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Thursday, June 4, 2009

Yes! Maybe.

I'm trying to say "yes" to the universe a lot lately. It's something I'm consciously working on and even enjoying. (I think my secret hope is that the universe will start frickin saying yes to me, too. Can the universe be manipulated? Is it wise to try?) 

My surfing instructor, Jules, who basically I want to be, gave me two pieces of homework after my lesson a few weeks ago. The first was to say yes (actually, YES!) to everything the universe handed me. We talked through my personality and the huge transition that I'm going through, and where I'm at in relation to all of that. (You didn't know that surfing instructors are therapists, did you?) We agreed that I'm in a hyper-growth period and that I'm craving new experiences to help me gain a frame of reference for my new life. I was excited about the homework; I'm pretty adventurous and generally meet challenges with enthusiasm. Since my lesson I've tried to be aware of new chances to do that, and I've been saying Yes, Uh-hu, Wahooey! to things that have come my way. 

The second assignment Jules gave me was to f*ck up everything I did for a month. Blink. Blink, blink. Huh? It gave me chills just thinking about it. F*ck up everything? On purpose? I actually felt like she should get a talking-to for even suggesting it. Why would anyone want to mess things up? I mess up enough when I'm trying to do things right. Hell, I'm trying to do everything right. Just right. All the time. I'm trying to do things exactly right so that I can blend in and minimize the attention drawn to myself, and most of all not rock the boat. (I'll give you a minute to wonder how I got this crazy. Ok, time to move on.)

So since my lesson I've been spending a lot of time thinking about that assignment and wondering what it would look like to do it. What would it mean for me to f*ck up everything? How will I know when I've done it? Is it even possible to complete that kind of a task? And then I started thinking, I can do this. I can totally do this. Actually, I bet I could be the very best f*cker-uper there ever was! I could do it better than anyone ever has, and when I go back and tell Jules about my progress, I bet she'll tell me that I'm amazing and that no one has ever f*cked up things like I have!

Sigh. This week I went to a volunteer orientation session at the local AIDS support organization, and as folks wandered in the room they passed out name tags for us to fill out and wear to facilitate mingling. It was a great group of folks and mingle we did. As the Volunteer Coordinator corralled us back into a circle and got started on the agenda items she said, "Before we begin I just have to say, LSL, you have beautiful handwriting. You guys, look at LSL's name tag. I wish everyone had handwriting like that." Click. Monster unleashed. Inside I thought "Yes! Eat it, bitches!" And then I realized that I was excited because I just got an A in name tag writing. 

And the sad thing? Sadder than all this? Is that when I wrote that name tag I was disappointed in myself for just a second because I did it kind of sloppily. Have you ever in your whole life known anyone who needed to f*ck up more than me? 

13 comments:

  1. Bree. Van. De. Kamp

    That's all I'm saying.

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  2. I had to employ Google just to figure out what that meant. And now I'm going to have to watch an episode of that show!

    (You're looking amazing lately, Greg!)

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  3. I think I match you in fuckedupness. I seriously do all of these things! I kinda feel a little better about myself knowing that I'm not the only one with this internal struggle. If someone told me to purposely mess stuff up? I'd freak inside. Hmm, maybe I should do it?

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  4. Why thank you. I lost 70 pounds in 17 weeks (don't worry, I'm not going to lose any more) and I'm feeling great. I'm actually enjoying shopping for clothes for the first time in about 10 years.

    And there was I thinking you were down with the Gays and you don't watch Desperate Housewives! I feel bad for my cheeky comparison of your behaviour to Bree's now - please forgive me if you watch it.

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  5. Gawd LSL, did I ever identify with this post - good one! Yet I have a decidedly geeky twist. Keep posting how it is going to both say yes and F*ck Up everything. Best wishes...

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  6. I had someone tell me once that they try to never say NO to anything....but YES to everything. They're afraid of what they'll miss out on in life if they say NO to something.

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  7. I LOVE this post. And I agree with Sizzle - I'd totally freak out if someone told me to PURPOSELY fuck things up. I'm willing to bet things would get done right instead of fucked up, and then I'd be an even bigger mess.

    Bree Van de Kamp - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! Greg, that was priceless. :)

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  8. Say yes to all and fuck it all up? Sounds like you'll be having quite an adventure. Makes me wish I had your surfing instructor. Or any surfing instructor for that matter.

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  9. HOLY COW! And you had never met her before. She may be in the wrong business! That is the greatest homework for you EVER! I love her and I dont even know her. I laughed out loud thinking of the look on your face when she said that. Priceless.

    So how can we F*ck up the 20-year? :)

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  10. I feel like abusing the new "yes" rule. But I wont, yet.

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  11. Okay, since you are committed to f*cking up, go and get a big ass tattoo and do it now!

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  12. I should sign up for surfing lessons, I think.

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  13. I'll have you know that I'm the valedictorian of peeing. Yes, that's right, I am super proud that I pee.

    Granted, it's because I pee while having no kidneys, but I like to think it would make me proud regardless.

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