Getting Ready

It's snowing big, fluffy flakes right now. It's been snowing as far back as I can remember. Actually, it's only been snowing since about Thursday of last week, but that's a long time for near-constant snow. 

It's 9:30 AM and I just had brownies for breakfast. (Note to self: having brownie batter for dinner is very handy because it pretty much guarantees you'll have something for breakfast the next morning.) I'm showered and shiny and fresh-smelling and ready to face this day. I've been impressed with this: I'm still getting up fairly early each day and showering and putting on different clothes. (Granted, the bar has been lowered.) There's only been one day lately that I've laid in bed and then eventually just pulled on PJ pants and thrown my hair in a pony tail. And I would probably have done that anyway at least once in three weeks. 

They came and got my car last Friday. It's really weird to watch a guy load and drive off with your car. My point-of-contact is a wreck and I'll be surprised if a single tire shows up on the other end of all this. 

I'm packing, packing, packing. Last night I started to get freaked out. I was just feeling disoriented - thinking about finding myself sitting in my new apartment in a few weeks. The lack of continuity gets to me. The unknowns - all of them - felt overwhelming. I feel really antsy to get going. I want to get there so I can paint and unpack and just see my neighborhood. I want to find the grocery store I'll go to and see where I'll park my car and just experience weather that doesn't have anything to do with Nor'easters. I want to get into a routine.

Things are going pretty good. I'm slowly finding my way.

My Sunny Someday

Two weeks ago today I was getting my ass handed to me on a platter. I can't believe it's already been two weeks. I am up to my neck in details about the move, and I am getting over it. I am over it. I have lists and spreadsheets with check marks by each line. I've set times to disconnect my utilities here and connect them there. I've put everything in boxes or plastic tubs. I've lined up the tubs in the storage room so they'll be easy for the idiots to grab when they're loading the truck. I've argued with the auto shipment place. I've talked with my contact at the moving company 500 times - we're completely sick of each other. I've gone over and over my finances. I've sorted items that need to be sent to Portland ahead of my move so I won't have to wait; I've made a list of items that definitely need to be on my person when I arrive. I have a list of things I need to do the first day in Portland (1. Buy litter box.) I've cleaned out the car. I've cleaned out the garage. I don't know what else to do.  

At night I lay in bed and think about being laid off. I think about the week or two before, when my bosses knew they'd be laying me off, and I think about how they interacted with me and how one boss was so unusually nice and chatty that I mentioned it to a friend. I know none of it matters, but my mind just goes in that direction and I go over and over it in my mind. It's like massaging a bruise or something; my mind is just drawn there. 

Wanted

Holy Craigslist. So I'm trying to get rid of some stuff I don't want to pay to have shipped across the US. The move is craptastically expensive, and the cost is calculated by the weight of the stuff on the truck. I have a bunch of (*sniff*) Japanese furniture that I never use and that doesn't really fit in with anything else I have, and it's slightly less painful to sell it than it is to pay for stuff I don't use to be trucked out to Oregon. Slightly. (I'm keeping the great stuff I do use, of course.) I spent a zillion hours putting it all on CL yesterday and today, all the while having the CL website crap out on me as soon as I'd get the advert 99% done. It took forever and I started to wonder if it was even worth it. 

So the minute I hit "publish" on my last item, my phone started ringing and it hasn't stopped since. (I bought an iPhone about 2 days before I got laid off and I still can't figure out how to answer it, so basically all calls go to voicemail.) (I think I have it figured out now.) It's been crazy. I have a friend who says I'm running a charity organization because my prices clearly aren't high enough if stuff is selling that quickly. I really just want the shit gone. So now the elliptical is gone. The chair and ottoman - gone. The rug. The lamps. The table. Gone, gone, gone. Tickets to shows I won't be around to see? Gone. And I just had a call from one person asking to purchase everything I have left. Isn't that nuts? I've almost paid for the entire cost of shipping my car to Oregon. No small thing. 

It feels good to make so much money in such a short period of time without doing much. Should I become a hooker? 

Besides that people need to freakin learn to take off their muddy shoes when they go into someone else's house, I love the CL concept. It's so cool to get a call from a complete stranger, within about two minutes give them your home address, have them pull up thirty minutes later, and not end up cut up in tiny pieces in the freezer. People are mostly cool and just a little weird, everyone's friendly, they bring cash, I take it, they leave. It kind of feels like a social experiment of some kind about the inherent goodness of people. I like to hear them ooh and aah over the stuff they're buying, and I picture my things sitting in a new home, happy to be there and getting lots of love. And I love meeting new people, people who are different from me. Different is good.

It's 9:40 and the last dude (the nicest so far; he seemed like just a really good, hardworking guy) just left. The house is looking a bit naked, but it all continues to come together.

Tentatively

If I leave my MacBook closed, my cat sits on it. If I leave it open, he puts his entire body on the keyboard. So I've taken to leaving it slightly open when I have to walk away from it so he can't do either. Today I went to the kitchen to get food and came back to see him resting with his front paws on the mouse pad and his furry head pushed up against the half-closed screen. I think it's warm or something. He's also blind and he likes anything that's really bright. Isn't he cute?

What a week. I guess I'm making plans to move back to Portland. I mean, I am. It's all happening a little fast. I've given notice to my slumlord, and found an apartment online in Portland that my Auntie visited in person today. I don't know if I should go out and see it first - I'm sure it's smarter, but I don't think I'm going to. I'm looking maybe 3 or 4 weeks out. I don't know. 

It's positive; the job market in Portland is quite a bit better than the job market in Upstate. I still have a few friends in Portland. I love the Pacific Northwest; it's so beautiful. All of my family is there except my sister. My sister, who is the other half of my heart. I can't even bear the thought of not living down the street from her. 

Among my many, many, many concerns is that the only experiences I've had in Portland in the 7 years since moving from there to Japan have been relatively negative. Three or four day whirlwind trips during my annual home leave when I've been jet-lagged to the extreme, leaving every friend upset with me because I didn't have enough time to spend with anyone to meet their expectations. They were stressful, terrible trips. I actually hated them and dreaded them to a certain extent each year. Before moving to Japan, I always loved Portland. But it's been a long time. 

I'm sure at first it will feel like just another brief trip; it will probably take a while for it to feel like home again and to shake those negative associations. Going back to apartment living stresses me out a little. I don't think I'll really mind it, but I've had a lot of space for a lot of time. 

It's really difficult to think about everything coming together. Here we go. 

Upside: Every Day Is Casual Day

I'm going to stick to my story that, in general, I have extremely good luck. Good things happen to me: I win contests, I meet good people, I stumble onto great opportunities, I often get things I need and want. It's been the case for years and years.

I got laid off today. It's shocking, really. I am in shock. Literally one minute I'm on hold with the IRS about a pending tax liability, making notes in files and making sure my documentation is within bank policy, and the next minute I'm packing up boxes and reassuring HR that those really are pens I brought from home; I'm not stealing anything. See the Japanese writing on the side? I got them a few years ago, before moving to New York. 

Gosh, I'm just in shock. I have this strange, mild awareness that I'm being pushed into another major life transition, but I can't really go any further than that mentally. I guess that's probably good, because I just don't know if I have it in me. I got home at about 1:00 PM and since then I've been alternating between crying my head off and staring off into space for twenty or thirty minutes at a time until the cat comes up and nuzzles my hands or face.

My first worry is that there are about 50 billion other highly-qualified folks looking for work right now. I know there are other things to worry about, but that's as far as I've been able to think. Actually, my immediate concern is where I can get some pizza. And chocolate. And ice cream. And alcohol. Perhaps this is a good time to take up smoking. Or start a mild addiction to prescription pills. (God, I wish I had a prescription for something stronger than heartburn.) At a different time I'll try to look at all sides of this and see how it might work itself into something of an opportunity. But for now, I think I'll go back to staring into space. Damn, what a day. 

And I'm Here to Recruit You

Why have you guys been keeping OAR from me? I don't know if we can continue being friends if you keep hiding things like this from me. 

So anyway, isn't there a game on today or something? 

I saw Milk yesterday - finally. Holy bell-bottoms, that is a good flick. About thirty seconds in, I forgot it was even Sean Penn playing the lead role. I felt so proud watching it, so convinced once again that equal rights for gay and lesbian folks is a straight issue. A black issue. A white issue. A disabled, able-bodied, vision-impaired, seeing, everyone issue. There is no difference between what Harvey Milk wanted and what I want - love, respect, acceptance, dignity. Safety. I couldn't help but crying at several parts of the movie, especially at one point when the crowd is gathering and he yells into the megaphone, "I know you're angry! I'm angry!" (Seen in the linked trailer.) This Booker T. Washington quote kept coming to mind: "You can't hold a man down without staying down with him." Incredibly humbling to watch. I loved it. 

And then I saw The Reader today. Ralph Fiennes is so absolutely magical to me. One look of his is worth twenty lines of dialogue. He has a powerful, brooding, angsty presence that draws me completely in. I adore him. The story itself is a little convoluted, but I loved the book several years ago, and I loved the movie. What's-her-face did good and he did great. Two thumbs up. 

One more best picture nom to see - Frost/Nixon. I enjoyed Benjamin Button, very original, but it didn't hold a candle to Slumdog Millionaire. It will be fun to see the Oscars this year.