With Everything, To Go

I volunteered this afternoon auditing some books for a local org, and I finished and was driving home at about 4:00, which is the perfect time for Linner. So I took a little detour downtown and wound up at that food cart area on SW 4th and Hall, down by PSU. (Did you know Portland has a zillion food cart restaurants, all yummy? Now you do.) They have Thai, Vietnamese, Mexican, Cajun, Italian, Polish, and more. I decided on a Philly cheesesteak.

I didn't notice the guy, a little younger than me, was about to close up shop, but he said he'd make me a sandwich, no problem. While he cooked it, we started chatting, and it turned out to be a great conversation. He asked if I'd had a good weekend, and I told him that I'd taken another kayaking class and had been kind of bummed at how I did. He said that everything takes practice and I would probably get better, and then talked about recently going river rafting for the first time, even though he'd lived around water his whole life. He told me about his dad's family business of fishing off the coast of Washington State. He has two brothers, and the three sons inherited the business/burden of working fishing boats. He hated it. He did it for 8 years and got sick every morning before work. He described the smell of coffee and cantaloupe in the morning, and his mom making lunches for all her boys. He talked about how he decided to leave the family business, and how his parents felt about it.

We talked for less than ten minutes, but the whole thing was awesome - candid, genuine. If I could have conversations like that 24 hours a day, I would. And the sandwich? Delicious.

Patience

Surf lesson #5 today. I've had kind of a rough week, just kind of struggling with my self-confidence. I thought some time in the water would be the perfect medicine to bring myself back to myself.

It was a pretty good day. The forecast was for 80° and sunny; I got 57° and dark clouds. Weird. Jules said the weather and water felt like autumn and that I'd get used to it. I didn't really mind it - much less people at the beach and in the water. The hard core kids were out there, maybe 6 or 8 surfers, but the experienced peeps are always further out than I am. There were also a few kooks (none as kooky as me) and that inspires me. I like to see other people wipe out and get back on their boards.

I wore split-toe booties for the first time today and totally didn't like them. How distracting. (I'm getting kind of anxious to get booties and gloves of my own, so we'll see how long I can delay that gratification.) I had another Boz wetsuit, same size as the other, but this black/grey one felt kind of restrictive in the arms versus the black/blue one. (I know that no one is dying for these kinds of details. That part is for me.) They're always long in the torso, but I think that's just going to be my story until I can go down a size or yoga finally stretches me 6" taller.

As usual, it felt great to be in the water. My endurance has really improved, I can tell. I can also tell that my upper-body strength has improved skoshi, which I'm grateful for. (The thing I remember most about my first lesson is that my arms crapped out about five minutes into it with two hours and 55 minutes left to go.) The water was pretty mushy, but I have so little to compare it to and I'm so happy to be out there that I'm not about to be snobby about the conditions. Jules said they had to cancel lessons yesterday because the waves were over 12'. Holy hell, I'm glad I didn't see those waves. Today they started out at about 3' and were well over 5' by the time we finished.

We saw a jelly fish again today. I'd like the creatures of the sea to kindly give me a little more space in the future. I humbly acknowledge that I am in their home, but creatures that swim, crawl, fly, or slither creep me out bad. I am trying to grow in this area.

Technically, I'm struggling in small ways. I don't really know whether to push up by gripping the rails or from the deck. I know I'm supposed to grip the rails, but when the waves are small, any resistance at all slows me down, so I don't want to put my hands in contact with the water. Am I forming a bad habit? Any worse than my other bad habits?

And then there's the pop up. Jules has changed my move so I'm having to relearn a little, but I think it's going to be good. I like the new move a little better if I can just get my body to remember it. I've heard folks say that they never teach people to pop up on their knees because they get stuck. Well, I'm stuck on my knees. I am. It's super frustrating. Near the end of the session I was getting the bigger waves. Some of those really packed a punch - much more powerful than anything I've surfed. I loved the feeling of having so much time and so much energy propelling me - those rides were so long I had time to think about the meaning of life, look around on the shore, and get mad about my toes being separated. Jules suggested that I use that time to actually stand up on the board.

I don't know if it's mental or what. Actually, I'm pretty sure it is. I was riding too far back, so when I get on my knees, the nose of the board tips up and it puts the brakes on. Now she has me scooting up a bit, and I can feel the difference. I don't know if I'm afraid to wipe out? I don't think so. I've had some pretty hard crashes so far (my left knee today) and I know it just happens and you deal with it. (Although I do get kind of nervous when I've ridden all the way in and I'm going to wipe out in really shallow water. I just don't want to do anything that would keep me from being able to go back out. And that pearl last week did kind of freak me out. Hmmm.) I don't know. Jules had me do my move on the board on the sand today several times so she could see where I end up on the board when I'm on my feet. When I'm riding, I'm always ending up off balance and falling to the left, so I'm clearly ending up on the left side of the board when I go to stand. There's just something about catching the wave - I feel the energy change beneath me - and I start my move. The board feels stable enough to carry me on my knees, but not stable enough to carry me on my feet. Frick. I'm getting pretty frustrated with myself. Jules says I'll do it when I'm ready and my body trusts the board.

I love coming to the water before the lesson when I'm bringing my board down to the beach and Jules and I are doing our beach talk. It's such a clear feeling that the ocean is alive and I'm just coming to it asking if I can ride it for a while. Near the end of the lesson right before the waves got aggressive, the surface got totally calm and there wasn't a wave in sight. This after having waves 7 or 8 seconds apart all day. It was eerie. I looked at Jules and she said, "It's thinking." I knew it.

Bow? Stern? Hull?

So I took a sea kayaking class for four hours Saturday morning. Crazy! It's been on my life list for a while, and I decided it was time to take a new risk. It turned out to be a great experience, and now two days later I can almost lift my arms without gasping.

It was gorgeous out on Saturday - totally blue sky, and at least 75°. It was a small class and we had a very cute instructor. (Big bonus.) We started the day with a brief beach talk where the instructor told us what to expect. Listening to him I began to have some anxiety, and I wasn't quite sure if I could go through with it. I have some mild claustrophobia issues and those cockpits are small! Luscious legs and an ample booty are no friends in a kayak. Add the skirt and the pfd, and it gets downright crowded in that little boat. Near the end of the talk, we briefly reviewed the procedure for what to do if you flip in your boat, and I got pretty freaked out. I went into this with very little knowledge; I hadn't even considered the thing would flip on me. All I wanted to do was learn an activity that would allow me to be close to the water. I decided to just keep going as long as I could, knowing that if I reached a point where I was too scared, I would stop.

When we got in the water, I was surprised how shaky it felt - I was certain I was going to flip over before even paddling away from the dock. I have to admit that my stress level was pretty high, and I got into some negative self talk about why the $@#&! I want to do things that are clearly for athletic people. I had all those kinds of I'm not good enough/what if I embarrass myself/what the hell am I doing thoughts. Sometimes it's tough to push through that stuff.

A few minutes in, a classmate dumped his kayak and took the pressure off about being the first to flip over. And then a few minutes later he did it again. (Poor dudes with your big, bulky shoulders and high center of gravity.) That helped me quite a bit - I worried I would have special needs or hold up the group. But one by one throughout the morning most people went under. It was a pretty friendly group and everyone seemed patient with the various learning curves.

We paddled around between Ross Island and Toe Island, practicing different strokes and getting into a little bit of edging. I have to say - it was awesome. The river was quiet and beautiful. In a kayak you glide so effortlessly across the water, it almost feels like you're gliding above it. Looking at the Portland skyline that I love from a new vantage point (below!) made me feel happy, lucky, peaceful, and so glad to be learning something new. It's no surfing, but I definitely enjoy kayaking.

Near the end of the class, I knew I wanted to learn more so I could eventually go out on my own. I felt pretty stable in my boat but still had the fear of flipping over to deal with. And I was a little disappointed that I'd played it so safe. I realized I could probably complete the class without flipping, but that I would probably gain more from the experience if I did flip and faced my fears.

Frick. So I asked the instructor if I could dump myself on purpose before getting out of the water. He thought it was a great idea, and suggested I do it right at our current spot, as the water was deep and the area was clear of boats. I have to admit - I was suddenly terrified. Heart beating in my ears, having a hard time catching my breath, all my courage was gone. It reminded me of years ago (like 20) when I used to do challenge courses in my early years of therapy. Nothing like your very first zip line to make you feel like you're going to die.

It took me about two minutes, but I finally took a deep breath and turned myself upside down. Holy trapped feeling, it was so scary! I got my skirt off fine, (only because I started to grab for the strap before I even hit the water), but came up for air right under the boat. It only took a minute to figure out that I need to swim a foot or two around it, but it was a pretty disorienting experience. It felt good to have done it, although it didn't really take away the fear. Plus, getting myself back in the cockpit from the water was no small feat. I need a lot more practice.

So I really liked it and I'm signed up for the next step, a rescue class, next weekend. This will fulfill the requirement so I can rent a boat and go out on my own. I don't know whether I'll feel confident doing it after just four more hours of instruction, but I'm proud of myself for jumping in, and I'm excited to find another way to enjoy my beautiful hometown.

Plus, I ended up with three big, black bruises on my arms and legs, and a long, thick scratch half the length of my shin from sliding my legs out of the cockpit when I flipped. Coupled with my surfing injuries from Thursday, I'm a bit of a mess. I love it! I'm starting to feel like I didn't have a very good day unless I get a new scar.

Movie: The Cove

Tonight I went to see a truly amazing movie - The Cove, a documentary/thriller about dolphins being secretly captured and killed by the thousands in Taiji, Japan.

I should say that although I do love and appreciate animals, I didn't grow up around a lot of animals and I'm not really an animal nut. I'm also a bit freaky about movies - very picky about what I see, and then I spend most of my time checking my watch and making a mental shopping list. I shift in my seat every few minutes and think about the meaning of life. It's hard to capture my attention for two hours.

This movie is really something. Two hours felt like five minutes, and I'm not sure I even blinked. I did cry a few times, and I wanted to stand up and cheer near the end - it was truly hard not to. It's done so, so well. I will absolutely see it again.

In his 4-star review Ebert says, "There are many documentaries angry about the human destruction of the planetary peace. This is one of the very best - a certain Oscar nominee."

Have I convinced you yet? Please go see it and then tell me what you thought. I want someone to talk about it with!

Related: Awesome result of the movie - Taiji's sister city in Australia severs ties over the dolphin slaughter.

Follow The Cove on Twitter.

Accomplishment

TONIGHT I RAN THREE MILES WITHOUT STOPPING!!! It felt great!

Surf Lesson #4

My surfing lesson today was SO GOOD that I can't help but stay up past my bedtime sharing about it.

It was cloudy and grey at the coast, but I was so, so happy to be back in the water and I'd slept well the night before (for once); there was just a combination of factors that helped it be a pile of total awesomeness with awesomesauce on top.

Since my last lesson (it kind of sucked) I've been trying to practice my pop up three times a day on my bed. I struggle with this because it makes the sheets messy and that rocks my world a little bit. But I stripped the guest bed and have been using that. I also struggle with it because I'm not good at it, so it's not very fun to practice. I know. Durr. But I've been doing it a few times a week and I have to say, it's actually helped. Man, practice helps you learn stuff. You heard it here first.

(One minute vid of a pop up here.)

I've also been spending some time in the pool at my apartment complex, just swimming laps and playing around, and I think it's helped just feel even more comfortable in the water. (Although - no giant crabs in the pool like in the ocean. During my last lesson Jules stumbled over the biggest, freakiest crab I have ever seen. She told me today she thought that would be the last she ever saw of me.)

So Jules and I started by doing our beach talk where I catch her up on what's been going on for me, and she magically relates events in my life to surfing and zen. That's all I can tell you. The rest is completely top secret. But it's very cool and gets me totally focused and in the zone. I love our talks.

Jules had me take a belly ride to start out the lesson (no pressure, right?) and I swear, the wave felt so right and long that I just had to try my move. It half-way worked out, and it was such a rad way to start the day. After that I got in lots of waves and every one felt good for a different reason.

Jules and I say a few words about each ride when I'm done so that I can hear what it looked like from her perspective and learn what I can improve. Sometimes the few words are just me saying swear words that would curl your hair, but usually it's Jules asking me how the wave felt, and telling me if she's noticed anything I should be aware of. Every once in a while it's her saying, "I'm on to you" and busting me about some lame or lazy thing that I'm doing. For a while when I was wiping out, I was doing this crazy footsie grab thing that she said she's never seen, where I could end up crashing without losing my board (sans leash at that point.) It's lame because before I even start falling I decide that I'm probably going to (based on historical data), and I position myself to catch my board between my feet so I don't have to chase it. I say: creative and resourceful. She says cut it out.

After one particularly fun ride, Jules and I were reviewing how I did and I was trying to explain that I noticed I was kind of dragging my left foot off the board and it was slowing me down. As I walked up to her I said, "Jules, I think I'm . . . " and she said, "Kicking ass?" I love it when she says stuff like that. Although I always say, no, that's not what I was going to say.

I did a lot of surfing on my knees today. It's not really what I want to be doing, but it's something. I continue to be completely amazed at how stable the board feels. And now when I end up on my knees I'm totally up and my arms are relaxed and I'm looking around. Very different from before. Another cool thing about riding on my knees today is that I took a lot of waves where I didn't wipe out. I'd say at least half. I actually rode it in and either sat back down on my board or made a decision to slide off. Controlling my dismount is revolutionary, folks. A little different than being shot out of a cannon.

Jules graduated me to riding a little further up on the board, which felt very different. I guess she starts folks out a little further back and inches them forward when they're ready. I need more time to practice this, but I can see how it would give me more of the "rolling floor" experience that I need to feel confident enough to stand up for the whole wave. When you ride too far back on the board, your weight makes the nose come up a bit and it's not very stable. When you ride too far forward on the board, well, you pearl.

I pearled today for the first time. It was nuts! One minute I was on the board paddling, (strangely enough with the feeling that I was too far forward), and the next minute I was having a true washing machine experience. I had enough time to think, god, I really don't know what's happening or what direction is up. That is a crazy experience. I was quite confused and when I was able to stand, I put my hands in the air and yelled to Jules, "What happened?!" And then I learned the word pearl. The bummer is that when I went underwater and was thrashed around, I slammed into the ocean floor pretty hard on my left shoulder. I felt it immediately and by the time I'd returned my rented gear and was driving home, I was getting quite stiff. So I shouldn't have, but I've already scheduled a massage for tomorrow. It's still killing me to move it around and I like that shoulder and want it to work. So I'm going to enjoy the massage and try to figure out a way to roll a little better when I face plant.

Other injuries include a good-sized goose egg on my right knee. This is a problem because at no point should my right knee come in contact with the board. It's quite the dead giveaway that I'm doing something weird with my pop up, which I guess we already knew. I slammed that knee onto my board so many times today and I have no idea how.

But you know what? I'm letting go enough to have injuries, which I think is awesome. There is honestly something very intimidating about surfing - the whole out of control thing. Coming to the ocean is like surrendering your body and mind to someone you don't know (someone very moody) and it's easy to be tense and calculating the whole time. But that doesn't really work, and I'm happy that I'm putting it out there and trusting Jules' instruction and taking some small risks.

I asked Jules about the hood on her wetsuit today and she talked about how vital it is in the autumn and winter. I told her that I'm not sure I can do it - I get claustrophobic with things around my face and head. She said, "I think it's hard to feel claustrophobic in an ocean" and we both just kind of stared at each other. It struck me as really funny. (But don't make me wear the hood.)

My last wave of the day was my best. Jules told me to just charge forward and really manhandle the board, and I did and got up with my right (forward) foot in a great position for the first time ever. It felt killer!!! Bummer that it only lasted about three seconds and I came down hard on my left thigh/hip on the side of the board when wiping out. How, I'll never know. That's new for me. I generally wipe out in pretty much the same way each time, but I guess as I try new things I'll wipe out in new ways. Wipe out or no, it still felt good to go a little further in the process than I have before.

Last night when I was getting my clothes out and preparing for my lesson I thought, how long should I keep doing this before I decide it's too hard and quit? I thought, well, if I'm having fun, maybe the answer is never quit. I don't know. I'm so glad to have had a good lesson and to not just improve a little, but to have such a total freaking good time.

Summary: I love surfing!

Being Alive

I've been slowly reentering the job hunt in the past week and it's been a painful process. Besides that there really is very little (underscore, exclamation point) out there, it's getting me to again think about what I've liked and disliked about past jobs, and what I'd like to find if I were to get my pick.

And all of that is getting me thinking about my life right now and the time I've had off. My cashola is slowly running out and I'm not ready to let go of this experience of having energy and time to do the things I like and want to do. I found a site called My Life List run by a very cool guy named Bill Starr. I have about 75 items listed so far (I'll post a link to it when I can figure out how to do that), and I get a little angsty when I work on it. I'm not ready to let go of crossing things off my list. I want to keep pushing myself out of my comfort zone. I want to hold on to this feeling of growing and achieving goals and experiencing new things. And I don't know how to do those things when I'm working.

I guess I'm worrying that I'll have to go back to this stressed, work-centric existence. People bitch about their jobs a-lot. Like, all the time. Me included, when I have one. But I think you really have to be outside of the whole experience to hear just how much people bitch about their jobs. And I'm worried that I won't be able to incorporate any of the great things I've recently discovered (surfing, running, being happy) into my new life - whatever it will look like. I'm not obsessing about it; I have plenty of time to worry about what it will be like to have a job when I actually find one. But it's been coming to mind lately.

Sizzling Weekend

I've had such a great couple of days. Sizzle came down to Portland to visit Jenny Two Times this weekend, and all the Portland peeps rejoiced. We met up Friday night at East Burn, which I'd never been to (and my favorite thing to do is go someplace new.) We caught up with new and old friends and I ordered glasses of ice. Because I'm hardcore like that. Afterwards we went to a tiki bar in NE (also new to moi) where we battled with a broken toilet and had a bartender with a belt buckle that said "FART." What can I say? These are the kinds of things that happen when Sizzle is in town. We met up again this morning at Gravy (omg, new!) for breakfast where Iron Fist risked life and limb to be with us. (Srsly. He got hit by a car while riding his bike.) (He is ok; currently trying to treat his injuries with beer.) The things Iron Fist won't do to be in the middle of a group of gorgeous women.

My Flickr photos here. Can we please do it again next weekend?

In other news, I saw this on my drive home from breakfast this morning. I've been looking for that bra everywhere.

Nephew

Hurricane Nephew left this morning and I feel so sad. The cat does not. Upon their departure he immediately came out from under the bed and examined every inch of the house to make sure He was gone. It was strange to me - we all came and went several times a day during the visit. So how did the cat know he was finally free? He went straight to the guest bedroom and rubbed his furry body over every surface within reach. I guess it was his way of saying something I've heard many times over the last three days: Mine!

I felt so sad putting away the matchbox cars and wiping up the little handprints off the table. After everything was cleaned up, I went into the kitchen barefoot and landed on what must have been dried jelly on the floor. A little remnant of the happiness I felt while he was here. Between my toes.

I'm struggling with how to describe our time together. I loved it - looooooved it - but I haven't been around a two year old since my almost-30-year-old brother was two. Here are a few notes I jotted down the past few days:

• Living with a two year old all the time has got to be like living with someone with schizophrenia who doesn't always take their meds. He is so sweet, climbing on my lap and listening to a story like every word I say is a clue to the location of the arc of the covenant. Five minutes later I'm cleaning up and he's yelling at me because he thinks I'm stealing his crayons. The whole "mine" thing that kids do is very unattractive. If I touch his matchbox cars he yells, "Mine! Not Mimi's!" (I'm Mimi, btw.) Kid, I don't want your cars. Relax.
• Last night after his bath, he ran into my room to show me his PJ's that have cars on them and he couldn't have been prouder. He was all, "Tada!" with his arms in the air like a little gymnast who sticks a landing.
• I think it would be really fun to have kids and only sometimes I'd want to anesthetize them. Just a little general when you want to watch a ball game on TV or something.
• We took my nephew in the pool today. I'd forgotten what pure childhood joy is like. He plays by slapping at the water. He laughed harder than I've heard anyone laugh when we would disappear underwater and then shoot back up to surprise him. When he couldn't hold it in any longer, he would let out a combination scream/laugh. I loved it! His mom showed him how to hold on to the side of the pool and kick his feet - his tiny arms and soft shoulders working to keep him propped up.
• When I'm walking beside my nephew and we're about to cross a street, he reaches up and grabs a couple of my fingers - as many will fit in his small hand - to steady himself. He does this without even looking up to see if I'm there.
• Tonight as we were leaving the restaurant, my brother and SIL were way ahead and I was carrying my nephew. He was super tired and acting a little drunk and very suddenly he put his hands on either side of my head, came very close to my face while staring intently into my eyes, and kissed me on the lips. He did it over and over, squeezing my temples, each kiss getting longer and longer. It was the sweetest creepy moment, or the creepiest sweet moment I've ever had. Lay off the sauce, kid. I'm your auntie.
• I had a very tender moment with my nephew tonight. My brother and his wife went for a walk and my nephew and I laid on my bed and read books before his bedtime. It was one of the best times of my life. He never likes to cuddle with anyone; it's not his personality. But we had a special time cuddling and going through books, making animal sounds and talking together. As I read he slowly inched his feet under my legs until his toes were safely buried.

This morning when my brother, SIL and nephew started to drive off, my brother said, "Bye, sister!" and then rolled down the back window so my nephew could see me. As soon as the window was cracked, my nephew called out with swagger to spare, "Bye, sister!"

That was hours ago. The house is clean and jelly-free now. The cat is sleeping in a circle on my bed and the laundry is tumbling. I miss him so much it hurts.

I Want It That Way

A couple of weird things happened at the track this morning. I arrived and started stretching to get ready for my jog, and I noticed a woman running backwards on the track. She wasn't running back-first, but she was running in a clockwise direction showing complete disregard for the starting line, the arrows in the lanes, and two thousand years of conventional wisdom. I was flabbergasted. It bugged me so bad - I imagined myself doing a full-body tackle every time she came near me. Also, I'm used to people lapping me, but it happened twice as fast, as we were going in opposite directions.

Then there were two men were at opposite sides of the track making elaborate gestures to each other. They were stretching up high and then bending down low and contorting their hands in all kinds of positions. They seemed to be loosely mirroring each other. I thought they were nutballs and it made me a little uncomfortable to be on the semi-secluded track with them until I saw they had a tiny wire and were making yard marks on the field. I don't understand how they were doing it but they continued from one end of the field to the other so I think it was legit.

Finally, the last weird thing was me. I listened to a new playlist today and couldn't help but play air drums and dance as I went around the track. I have three playlists on my Shuffle - the first is called "Run Fast" and the second is called "Run Slow." They music isn't separated so much by tempo as by the degree it inspires me because of whatever memories or associations I have with the songs. I listened to Run Slow for the first time in a long time today and was overcome with excitement at "She's A Beauty" by The Tubes. What a great running song. The third playlist? Backstreet Boys, of course.

I see Colin Hay tonight at the Aladdin and I CAN'T WAIT! Here he is playing "Overkill" in Scrubs, and here I am talking about seeing him in upstate NY last year. It's going to be so much fun!

Hiroshima

As usual, it was Twitter's trending topics list that alerted me to news today: It is again the anniversary of the Hiroshima bombing.

I attended the Peace Festival twice (2004 and 2005) while living in Japan. It was by far one of the most moving experiences of my life. The first year I went the night before the anniversary and lingered in the Peace Park very late, watching the Buddhists groups doing their all night meditation vigils in preparation for the festival. The second year I went on the 6th and stayed over that night so I could experience the thousands of lanterns floating on the river in the evening.

I have memories of the oppressive, oppressive heat that is normal for Hiroshima this time of year. I clearly recall feeling very conspicuous as an American in the middle of thousands of Japanese marking the anniversary of a time when America changed their lives forever. I remember the mood in Hiroshima - the feeling in the air, so different than the previous hundred times I'd been in town. It truly was palpable. If you have a life list, put visiting the memorial park and museum in Hiroshima on it.

The anniversary always brings up discussions on whether or not it was necessary for the Americans to use the bomb. I think it's an important discussion, but I have absolutely nothing to add. I've read several books about the war, but I don't know enough to have an opinion, and I don't really feel like I have the right to question a decision made in such terrible conditions so many years ago. It was a different world in 1945. For my own perspective, I always come back to these two thoughts: As in all wars, both sides did horrible things. Everyone wants peace.

Links:

• My post and several pictures from the 2005 Peace Festival marking the 60th anniversary of the bombing here (scroll down.)
• I do support the call for a nuclear-free world by 2020.
• Here are Google Image results for the Peace Park. I've been to every one of those places in the Park many times and they're all even more amazing than they look in pictures.
• Mari, one of my favorite Japan bloggers, of Watashi to Tokyo (Me and Tokyo), has a brief post that inspired the same old debate here.
• Pretty thorough Wikipedia article on the bombings here.

Foul

I hate to think I'm this vulnerable to the elements, but the heat kind of ruined my life last week. I guess I've learned that a big part of the whole loving my funemployment thing hinges on being able to be outside and breathe fresh air and be active.

So I've just been kind of passing the time, which I don't like to do. This is what I've done recently:

• Movies. I saw Away We Go. It's good. Something about it struck me as trying too hard to be really, really arty, but it's a good movie. She's a believable actress.
• I saw Up. Good lord, I bawled during parts of that movie. It got a little long and manic for me, but it's definitely worth it for the beginning.
• I saw (500) Days of Summer. Totally good movie. Best use of a Hall & Oates song. That guy is so expressive. Great flick.
• I went for a few short jogs in the mornings and almost died.
• Then those movies made me kind of depressed about what passes for a good movie and good acting these days.
• I went to yoga and could only finish about 1/3 of the class. I laid on my mat on my back for the rest of the time and I might have cried a little.
• I got my roots colored. Thank god. Back to my natural color.
• I let my cat hang out in the fridge to ensure he wouldn't stroke out.
• I volunteered two more days at that int'l aid org, continuing to hope they'll fall in love with me and hire me. So far it's not working.
• I remembered I am technically a student with student ID and, at the advice of Rhi, I went to see Storm Large's Crazy Enough on the cheap. Wow, Storm is a great, great singer. The show is very good. Performance art like that is always a little awkward for me - I was in the second row and it felt a little vulnerable. But I liked it and felt so lucky to live in a place where that kind of stuff is available to little old me.
• I ate a huge bowl of spumoni ice cream.

I was frustrated with my surfing lesson last week. Jules and I could both tell I'd improved and that my Hawaii practice went a long way for me, but it was still a bummer. I started this whole thing to try something new, something totally foreign, in order to practice not being good at something. Somewhere along the way I started liking it enough that I want to be good at it. That's tough. I was exhausted almost immediately - I don't know what happened there. They also didn't have my wetsuit size (XL) so I had to wear one size down (L) and that was a stiff, bendy situation. It felt like I had a girdle on from my big toe to my ear lobes. I've wondered if I should just sell enough drugs to buy my own wetsuit - I don't mind borrowing the suit itself (as long as it's available in the right size) but the rental booties and gloves are all torn up and squishy. It would be great to have my own. But I need to be sure I'm going to stick with this first. I have another lesson on Thursday so I hope I can be more patient with myself. I'm practicing 3 pop-ups on my bed every day, but even practicing discourages me because it still feels so unnatural. Whine, whine, whimper. But I'm going to keep it up.

I'm also going through another bout of insomnia. This one sucks. When I do sleep I have intense, semi-relevant, crazy, messed up dreams. I would expect these kinds of dreams after a heroin binge. Every last one of you have been in them. Plus every person I went to grade school with, the person who drove in front of me yesterday, my mailman from New York, and Steve from Sex & the City.

The weather looks like it will be turning sometime midweek, so maybe I can get my mojo back.