Thursday, March 4, 2010

Holding On

I'm really struggling lately to stay positive. I don't usually worry about staying positive, I just roll with whatever I'm feeling and that's always ok with me. But right now there's a shitstorm of things going wrong in life and I really need to keep the good vibes flowing. It's hard. I'm definitely fighting the We're All Going to Die Homeless and Alone* spiral.

Re: the school/job thing, I don't know. It's a bit of a cluster right now.

I am still running a few times a week, which is very positive. If I ever make casual reference to no longer running, please break into my apartment, gently take the box of Captain Crunch out of my hands, and give me lots of hugs. Then lace up my tennies and carry me around the track.

I had a dentist appointment yesterday. My teef are always great, but I've been having some gum sensitivity so I asked my dentist about it. She poked around in my mouth and then told me it's most likely because I'm peri-menopausal. (I mean, really? Do we need to do this right now?) I said, "What???" loud enough for it to echo throughout the office, and then told her I wasn't really equipped to handle the discussion and maybe we could talk about it next time.

So I'm trying very hard to do things that make me feel like the earth is going to continue spinning on its axis, like avoiding the mainstream media, and focus on things that make me believe I'm going to make it, like these:
  • I try to remember that spring is coming and very soon there will be surfable waves more often. I think this will make a world of difference.
  • I have a small circle of best peeps I can call when I need someone to crawl into my mental space with me.
  • I'm not much of a TV bug, but the old Iconoclasts episodes with Sean Penn/Jon Krakauer and Eddie Vedder/Laird Hamilton (iTunes) calm me down.
  • My Flickr favorites really inspire me.
  • I totally avoid Twitter. Oh, the kvetching. (Me included!)
  • I attend Al-Anon.
  • I write letters. To myself or other people. With paper and stamps and stuff.
  • I've been walking around my neighborhood in the evening. It's pretty relaxing.
  • I go to church.**
  • I have a few go-to movies that help bring me back and make me believe that good things come from hard times. They include City Slickers, Parenthood, Miracle, and Step Into Liquid.
  • I have a few go-to books that make me feel like I'm not crazy. The list usually starts with Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott.
  • I listen to a specific mix of music, and it always includes Craig Carothers. How lucky am I that he's doing a string of shows here starting tomorrow night? Very lucky.
  • I do the thankful list. Gratitude can be so transformative.
  • I look through a massive file I have that contains encouraging quotes, poems and blog comments. I always find something that speaks to me. This is one quote I like right now: Hold on to what is good, even if it is a handful of earth. Hold on to what you believe, even if it is a tree which stands alone. Hold on to what you must do, even if it is a long way from here. - Pueblo Verse
*well-said, from Dooce


  1. I hear ya, homegirl. We should talk soon. In fact, I need to write you an email. Just not tonight, I'm writing another blog post.

    (Seriously, what's wrong with me? Holy crap, two blog posts in a week? Crazy town.)

  2. Dude. I'd never heard of the Iconoclast thing. Now I gotta go spend a bunch of money in iTunes. Thx.

    Get well soon.

    PS: church = ocean, and I don't get to church as often as I should.

  3. "Parenthood". Thumbs up as a movie. Thumbs up as one of the wisest, most insightful tales I've ever seen.

  4. Don't hit me when I say this, but you sound fine, almost as if you're beginning your next upswing. Now, me, I'm a mess. I've realized this week that nobody loves or respects me. They all want to grind me to a bloody, crunchy-bony pulp under their feet. But, hey, we'll be okay.

  5. I like your Flickr faves. I always forget to favorite.

    Just push your bed so you're facing another direction. Fixes things everytime. Double points if it's totally out of place in your bedroom when you move it.

    Moving furniture to relieve stress is an age-old Langmead women tradition.

  6. I love inspiring quotes. That's a good one.

    I've been losing my focus on the good. I should follow your lead and make a gratitude list for some perspective. Thanks for the reminder.

    I'm sorry life is hard on you right now. You know this already but, anything you need that I can help with, I'm here.

    Love you, friend.

  7. Dude, it's important to remember that all things change, and the change is always to your net benefit. Even when it doesn't feel like it at the time.

    Love you, dude.

  8. Powells is the best church ever. I need to get down to Portland and get me my fix.

  9. Well well now, you've certainly introduced me to a new term or two that I've never in my life heard of. Interesting.

    As for staying positive, I,too, am generally a positive guy. But not always. I believe in seasons. Times. I don't believe that anyone is all the same way their entire life. I believe that these times of our lives are those that shape us, teach us, help us....if we allow it. Embrace it, learn from it. It'll be over soon.

  10. You sound like you have copious coping skills. Hey didja know Anne is coming out with a new book next month? Can't wait!

  11. ANNE LAMOTT will save you from the depths. Really. Keep reading all of her. She will make you laugh and remind you that even if it feels crappy now, it won't forever.

    Hugs to you.

  12. Just wanted to say I think you're swell, and I miss your face.


  13. It sounds like you need a hug right I'm sending you a cyber hug.

    Just know that life may not be the best right now but it always has a way of turning its self around if you hang on long enough.

    Keep your eye on the surf and don't ever forget what you love!