Pretty much since that session I've been in the We're All Going to Die Homeless and Alone spiral, but I'm trying very hard to not future trip about: what the job market will be like in 2012, if I'll ever get a Shitty Banking Job to support me through school, if I'll have to work for a boss young enough to be my child, if I'm too old to be doing this stupid career change anyway, the feeling that any minute I'll have to give up running and surfing - things that truly make me happy - and go back to the rat race, and 100 other worries that have made the past several days a genuine tragic-drama.
One other tiny thing that set me off this week was that Jules started a new business having her partner take photos of her surfing lessons. It sounds like such a good idea - capturing a particular breakthrough, or even just having a keepsake of a really great day. Unfortunately, I have body image issues and seeing myself in a wetsuit is not my idea of a good time. It really threw me. I already struggle with letting surfing be "for me" as I don't fit the normal image of a surfer girl, but seeing it in technicolor sent me to a bad place. There are times that I can let my body image struggles empower me - I can think, I am going to continue surfing because surfing is for everyone; surfing is for me. But sometimes the struggle wins.
So I'm working through all that stuff and after a dark few days, I'm doing pretty ok. I think that I'm going through a big transition with all this school/job/career change stuff, and it's normal that fears and self-doubts will creep in. I'm trying to focus on today (ODAT) and this week (big history test on Saturday!) and let 2012 worry about itself. And I think I'll post about my great time surfing another day because it really was a good day and it deserves a fresh page of its own.