Monday, April 19, 2010


I had a great surf session with Jules last Monday and I want to write about it so I don't forget any of the salty goodness.

Pretty much since that session I've been in the We're All Going to Die Homeless and Alone spiral, but I'm trying very hard to not future trip about: what the job market will be like in 2012, if I'll ever get a Shitty Banking Job to support me through school, if I'll have to work for a boss young enough to be my child, if I'm too old to be doing this stupid career change anyway, the feeling that any minute I'll have to give up running and surfing - things that truly make me happy - and go back to the rat race, and 100 other worries that have made the past several days a genuine tragic-drama.

One other tiny thing that set me off this week was that Jules started a new business having her partner take photos of her surfing lessons. It sounds like such a good idea - capturing a particular breakthrough, or even just having a keepsake of a really great day. Unfortunately, I have body image issues and seeing myself in a wetsuit is not my idea of a good time. It really threw me. I already struggle with letting surfing be "for me" as I don't fit the normal image of a surfer girl, but seeing it in technicolor sent me to a bad place. There are times that I can let my body image struggles empower me - I can think, I am going to continue surfing because surfing is for everyone; surfing is for me. But sometimes the struggle wins.

So I'm working through all that stuff and after a dark few days, I'm doing pretty ok. I think that I'm going through a big transition with all this school/job/career change stuff, and it's normal that fears and self-doubts will creep in. I'm trying to focus on today (ODAT) and this week (big history test on Saturday!) and let 2012 worry about itself. And I think I'll post about my great time surfing another day because it really was a good day and it deserves a fresh page of its own.


  1. Oh man do I ever know what you mean. On FB, my friends sometimes tag photos of me that I would rather not see. Makes me want to crawl under a rock, (or at least untag everything and set my whole online presence to "CAN NOT SEE.")

    Keep on keepin' on, and I will too. And if we get to Happy with a little extra om nom nom around the middle, well, okay.

  2. I have those same body image issues and I hear you on that, my friend. Focus on now, on today, on what is right in front of you and don't let what MIGHT be deter you from greatness. I'm trying desperately to do this myself. It'd be good to have a partner in this endeavor. ;-)

  3. I peeked through my fingers at my bank account today and realised that I'm going to run out of money this month. At least you have something you're working towards. My practical way of coping with the terror was to go and see "I Love You, Philip Morris" and "Capitalism: A Love Story". Now there's a double-bill you won't see everywhere :)

    Ugh, I hear you about photos. I don't allow anyone to take pics. I would have thought the new service was optional, or do you have to pay Jules' partner NOT to take your photo? x

  4. if the mayans are right, we're all gonna die in 2012 anyway, so i say do whatever the hell you want. screw everybody else.

    i think everyone has body issues, right? otherwise plastic surgery wouldn't be such a well-financed industry. not that that makes it any better for you, of course, but just know that (almost) everyone is thinking the exact same thing about themselves. just try to love yourself—are you healthy? that's all that matters, not how many muscles show.

    p.s. the word verification is 'michloge'. of which i think the definition should be, 'one who hates his backfat, but still buys haagen-das ice cream anyway.'

  5. [Greg changes his name to "Michloge Belgian Chocolate]

  6. Impressed you surf! One day at a time, it's a cliche but for a reason.

  7. Do you ever trip about your body when something else is going on? Like, I'm freaked out about money so OH MY GOD MY THIGHS ARE SO HUGE! kind of thing? I think we women folk do that. Like, um, all the time.

    And and and! do you ever find yourself getting really excited whenever you see photos or television images of people who look a little more real and a little less like they just stepped out of a salon? 'Cuz, yanno, it's so rare to see normal-type folks in images (even though we are surrounded by normalcy all day long)? For some reason, the pictures become more real than the lives we inhabit. Le crazy.

    Maybe while your body is taking on the burden of your career change stress and you're tripping about said body in a wet suit, someone like me will see the pictures and get all excited and gleeful because OH MY GOD! we really do exist! Maybe you'll be able to psychically connect to that feeling of empowerment and validation and general glee?

    If not, I have some Valium I could send while you keep keepin' on. <3

  8. You are I deed going on some major change in your life, but don't stress out too much and just take one step at a time. 2012 is still 20 months away, who knew what will be the job market then!

    Keep surfing, it's your own experience that matters!

  9. Okay, now I feel like a real turd for giving you crap in the last comment. :( I hope you're feeling a little less icky by now, and that your studying is going great for the upcoming test. Either way, we'll have to do something fun while I'm there and hopefully leave all the worries behind for a little bit. It's been so long since I've played around in Ptld, you can take me to your favorite place(s), K? :) I'm up for whatever. Except maybe jogging. ;)