Life is hard right now. I have some heavy stuff going on, and there is a lot of heavy stuff going on with my family. I am ridiculously emotional all the time. I am trying to be militant about my self care - jogging, yoga, Al-Anon, eating right, and, of course, surfing. But my efforts seem to be barely keeping up with the stress. Maybe I need to stop trying to outpace it and let it engulf me so I'm no longer afraid. Like the protagonist who faces capture by the villain and says, "Do your worst." Except that I'm not that feeling that brave. It's tough; I'm not going to lie.
In other news, I thought being emotionally needy and unemployed was the perfect combination, so I recently started accepting applications for Part-Time Lover. (I'm giving online dating another shot.) I went out with a guy on Saturday and it was not a disaster. (Dear Universe: if you think that makes up for all the shit you've thrown my way recently, think again.) We'll call him J. I've heard from J. three times today, so I think it went well for him, too. I have a date with another guy, we'll call him R., this weekend, and R. seems to be the exact opposite of J. (I'm just here for the buffet.) They're 10 years apart, but, sadly, both on the shorter end of things. We'll see. I'm not really looking for anything serious right now because I like doing only my own laundry, eating breakfast at 11, and reading blogs (not yours) on the toilet, but I thought it was wrong to not spread some of my sunshine around.
I should mention that I have 100 pounds of fairly curly hair that I very carefully blow-dry straight whenever I go out. It takes a long time and the result is tenuous, at best, but I only like it straight, and I don't belong to an 80's hair band, so that's what I do. I was very nervous on Saturday night so the light drizzle that fell while walking from the car to the restaurant didn't bother me much, but about 3/4 of the way through the date, I went to the restroom and found myself, for the first time since leaving home, in front of a mirror. Yes, the half-ro. The humidity turned my silky, golden locks back into the half-ro I was trying to hide. Ugh. What can you do? I mean, after hyperventilating, what can you do? I just went back to the table and tried to act normal. He'd already seen it. Overall, J. seems like a pretty good guy. Oh, and Scottish. With a little, tiny accent. And, no, that's not a height joke.
The waves were 3-4' today and they were breaking beautifully - pretty much in a straight line parallel with the shore. (When I'm out lately, every time, I think of the gulf oil spill and the pictures of those waves and those animals. How could I not?) I don't know, I just felt exhausted before I began, and never really got my groove on. That's actually an understatement. I didn't get one ride all the way in. Not even one. I got a couple short ones, but mostly I struggled to even get up. It wasn't about letting go - I didn't get that far. I was so frustrated. I kept thinking about my session last Friday (which I haven't written about, but it was goooooooood) and wondering if I imagined it. I tried for about an hour and then gave it up. But it wasn't the conditions because there were tons of surfers there and more showing up as I was leaving. You could feel the stoke in the air. Alas, no stoke for LSL. Not today.
I don't know. I'm just going to sit with it. What else can I do? There's something to be learned here, I can feel it, but it's not quite within my reach.