Today is Sunday and I have another paper to write and then 40 pages to read and a lesson plan to create on the material because I have to teach it during class on Wednesday.
I'm getting sick, I can feel it. I have pressure in my chest and my throat is sore. I'm pounding OJ, which I kind of hate, and promising myself I'll go to bed at 10:00 tonight and take something to knock myself out so I really sleep. I haven't had a decent night in weeks.
I'm struggling. I feel like this whole thing isn't working very well. I'm still running twice a week (which isn't enough) and I've been getting a massage on Friday nights for the past few weeks, and that hour is really wonderful. But I feel overwhelmed. I still have some personal shit that is creating stress and I feel worried about my weight and my health. I guess it feels like suddenly there are 10 things that all want the #1 spot on my cosmic priority list.
School is tough. It's not really the academics; the first class was very fluffy and didn't require a lot of brain power. But the teacher, the other students, the philosophies expressed in the program are all triggering me in various ways and it's exhausting. I've been wondering if I need to scrap it; I don't know if I have it in me right now. I'm not sure. So I'm going forward with it until I know for sure. That's all I can think to do.
Work is work. Jobs aren't that fun, huh? Letting someone else determine your priorities, how you'll spend your time, what's important to you for 45 or so hours a week in exchange for a pittance is a shitty set up. I don't know who thought of that. But I'm hoping it's just the transition -- these really tough weeks of going from 0 to 60 in two seconds -- and that once that passes, I'll be left with a pretty ok situation. I think I will, from what I've seen so far. I just need to make it through this transition.
I'm going to try to post a little more often and not only to say how life is so damn hard right now. Just for myself. Life is rough, but I don't want to make it harder by giving in to the temptation to keep my focus on how damn hard it all is. Little good things are happening (aren't they?) and I want to give those a little food and water and sunshine so hopefully they'll grow.
I'll try to pull a few out of my ass right now:
- I ran my fastest 5k yet the other night. I'm still getting my first mile in at around 9:45, but now my second and third miles are getting closer to 10 and under, too. The other night I did the whole thing in under 30 minutes, which was a goal of mine. It felt good.
- Huntington Beach might come up in a couple of weeks again. That sounds nice.
- I left a message for Jules to see if she could surf next Saturday. I have a teaching conference that day, but who cares. People gotta surf. The swell is up and looking very autumn/winter-ish, but there will still be windows for surf babies like me. Hopefully Saturday will be one.
- My boss at work is - so far - very complimentary of my skills and knowledge. He often expresses that he feels like he pretty much won the lottery with me. He's right.