Sunday, September 26, 2010

Second Week

I worked all week last week and then had school on Saturday. I came home from school and wrote a paper that was due at midnight that night. I finished and uploaded the paper at 11:56 and then went to bed, although I couldn't sleep until about 2:30 AM.

Today is Sunday and I have another paper to write and then 40 pages to read and a lesson plan to create on the material because I have to teach it during class on Wednesday.

I'm getting sick, I can feel it. I have pressure in my chest and my throat is sore. I'm pounding OJ, which I kind of hate, and promising myself I'll go to bed at 10:00 tonight and take something to knock myself out so I really sleep. I haven't had a decent night in weeks.

I'm struggling. I feel like this whole thing isn't working very well. I'm still running twice a week (which isn't enough) and I've been getting a massage on Friday nights for the past few weeks, and that hour is really wonderful. But I feel overwhelmed. I still have some personal shit that is creating stress and I feel worried about my weight and my health. I guess it feels like suddenly there are 10 things that all want the #1 spot on my cosmic priority list.

School is tough. It's not really the academics; the first class was very fluffy and didn't require a lot of brain power. But the teacher, the other students, the philosophies expressed in the program are all triggering me in various ways and it's exhausting. I've been wondering if I need to scrap it; I don't know if I have it in me right now. I'm not sure. So I'm going forward with it until I know for sure. That's all I can think to do.

Work is work. Jobs aren't that fun, huh? Letting someone else determine your priorities, how you'll spend your time, what's important to you for 45 or so hours a week in exchange for a pittance is a shitty set up. I don't know who thought of that. But I'm hoping it's just the transition -- these really tough weeks of going from 0 to 60 in two seconds -- and that once that passes, I'll be left with a pretty ok situation. I think I will, from what I've seen so far. I just need to make it through this transition.

I'm going to try to post a little more often and not only to say how life is so damn hard right now. Just for myself. Life is rough, but I don't want to make it harder by giving in to the temptation to keep my focus on how damn hard it all is. Little good things are happening (aren't they?) and I want to give those a little food and water and sunshine so hopefully they'll grow.

I'll try to pull a few out of my ass right now:
  1. I ran my fastest 5k yet the other night. I'm still getting my first mile in at around 9:45, but now my second and third miles are getting closer to 10 and under, too. The other night I did the whole thing in under 30 minutes, which was a goal of mine. It felt good.
  2. Huntington Beach might come up in a couple of weeks again. That sounds nice.
  3. I left a message for Jules to see if she could surf next Saturday. I have a teaching conference that day, but who cares. People gotta surf. The swell is up and looking very autumn/winter-ish, but there will still be windows for surf babies like me. Hopefully Saturday will be one.
  4. My boss at work is - so far - very complimentary of my skills and knowledge. He often expresses that he feels like he pretty much won the lottery with me. He's right.


  1. There is no doubt that balancing life and all of its activities is not for the faint of heart. We must just keep on keeping on, Missy. I think it has more do with our attitude and how we approach what we do rather than what we actually do. (Oh, listen to me....all philosophical after all the crap I've spouted off about recently....)

  2. It's hard to balance it all. I can totally understand it being so much because, well, IT IS so much. And going from not working to working and going to school? HARD! I hope it will ease up as it becomes routine... or something shifts to make it better.


  3. ... nice to nourish the goodness!

    I find myself clinging on to my freedom like never before. Still hopeful that work/studies can be way to feel free... but doubts are creeping in.

    Sending you a bear-hug (saw two of those beautiful creatures out in the mountains with B yesterday!!)


  4. "Overwhelm" is a red-light word for me in my life, so I think I understand where you're at and my thoughts are with you. It's at times like this that the music should play and ease us through 6 months of hard stuff in what feels like a minute - Hollywood has duped us with that 'montage' thing.

    Like you, I hope all this pain is simply transition and that you'll find a way to balance, stand up and ride this arrangement all the way in to shore (my attempt at a surfing metaphor). I was concerned to read that you were thinking of ditching the class for the sake of work when the work was only ever a way of being able to keep doing the class, but I know that an income is necessary right now and that you wouldn't take such a step lightly. It's nice that you're getting some positive strokes from your new boss, but I hope you'll try not to let that distract you from your goals, unless you decide that you prefer 'Banker' to 'Teacher' after all.

    Thank you for continuing to blog amidst all this - I know it helped me focus and release stress in times when I was struggling. You know it gets better, right?


  5. p.s. I'd love to know the story behind the "advice/stories" notice in your picture. Cute.

  6. Balance is such a hard thing to find. I'm trying to find a way to balance out my work, school and family life and I'm not sure I'll ever really figure it out. I just have to remind myself that eventually school will be done and I'll be even more thankful for free time than I already am.

  7. He. Is. Right. You are the lottery.
    Go surfing.
    See you in two weeks?

  8. Huntington Beach? Um, you know that's just about 15 minutes away from me, right? RIGHT?!

    I'm gonna send you a note shortly, but I gottsta say this now: Going from what...? a year? of full-on self-care into a full frenzy of a SHIT TON of to-do isn't easy. Huge shock to the system. But you're doing it. You. Are. Doing. It. And this shit is temporary, leading to a whole new path. Doubt that helps in the painful moments, but dude--you're fierce. I hope you realize that.

  9. I've been thinking about this work week thing, and it's honestly setting back my work search. Do I really want to be beholden to someone else for 40+ hours a week.

    Sigh. Surf. Run and play a little.

  10. From twitter I know you're having a bit of a tough time. I'm glad you still took the time to type everything out on your blog. I know for me it really helps, and sometimes very therapeutic.

    I hope the coming weeks you'll start to find a better balance between work/school/leisure. Like what you said, it's just a transition, so you'll become better at handling all at the same time. Sooner or later, you'll be a juggle master!

  11. Such amazing comments. Thank you, you guys.

    Greg - the sign was in the window of one of Portland's famous food carts. This one is a frozen yogurt & ice cream cart, and the guy running it was kind of quiet and seemed a little shy. I was dying to ask for advice or a story, and my change from what I purchased was even exactly .50 cents, but I chickened out. Probably time to go back and try it again, huh?