Saturday, September 11, 2010


My leisurely days are slipping away. My new job starts on Monday. Monday! Yesterday I had an amazing massage followed by a little grocery shopping and studying, and Thursday was a heavenly surf lesson with the one and only Jules. This morning was class for half-a-day, and since then I've just been chilling and doing homework. Tomorrow is hang with family day.

I find myself reflecting about my time off - of course I do - and feeling ambivalent about all of the changes in my life. I feel ok about moving forward; I'm a new person now. But I wonder if I'm ready for everything that I'm experiencing and all that is still to come. During our beach talk the other day, Jules asked me if I feel like I've changed since the last time I was sitting in a cube at a bank. It was hard to find the words to answer her, and I got a little choked up, but I told her that I've definitely changed in significant ways.

That day's lesson turned out to be one of the best ever, of course. How could it not when it started out with the surf shop owner basically giving me a new wetsuit? Jules and I have asked the shop owner to keep me in mind when he does his end-of-season sale on the rental wetties, and that day he said, "Come here. I think I have something perfect for you." He had me try on a gorgeous, front-zip suit made of super-flex material. I was bouncing around the shop, not being able to keep my hands off myself because it felt so good on my body. He traded me straight across, that new (to me) suit for the one I've been using all year. Can you believe that? I gave him a big hug and he told me to get out of there. :)

Jules and I meant to paddle out but ended up spending the whole lesson in white water. The waves were just unpredictable and I really wanted to ride and not just paddle around. So ride I did. I was just feeling it - feeling it - and so I took long, smooth ride after long, smooth ride. It felt awesome. I even got one green just by chance and loved that little drop -- that feeling is totally exhilarating and better than I remembered.

I feel self-conscious about how slowly I continue to progress (sound familiar?), but I love surfing. I felt it more that day than I've felt it in a long time. Being in the water, feeling the board under my body, the challenge of it, the surrender it requires. And I love connecting with Jules, connecting with myself. The pruney fingers and toes. The uniqueness of the experience, even when there's a parking lot full of cars with boards on top. I love surfing.

I'm feeling some fear about starting the new job on Monday. And about balancing the still-new demands of school with my intense need for me-time, and sleep, and I'm wondering how I'll be able to incorporate my every-other-day running schedule in all of this. To be honest, that is more important to me than both school and the new job. My own health has a much different place in the priority list than it did last time I sat in a cube. How will I make this all happen? I'm not too worried about surfing. I couldn't keep myself away from it if I wanted to; it has far too much still to teach me. But the rest has me a little confused, a little weepy, a little intimidated. And very, very grateful. Some other time I'll write about the feelings I've had lately of disbelief -- thinking back over the last year and a half and recognizing that once again my life has exceeded my ability to dream or hope that it would ever be this good.

But for now I'll just finish out my weekend doing what I do and taking deep breaths and being open to the next thing that's ready for me, which comes on Monday. Wish me luck.


  1. Watching your growth over this past year + has been truly inspiring to me. I say this with all my heart, I am so proud of you! It takes guts to shift how we are inside, how we live, how we dream. And you have! That is no small feat. So it seems natural that the trepidation of the unknown is weighing on you (damn unknown) but hopefully if you can focus on what feeds your soul, as you've learned to do in this time away, and to remember that you always come first, I think you are going to be more than fin. Sure, you're going to have to find your footing but think about how it feels when you find your your footing on the surf board and you ride. Same in life, friend.

    I'm rooting for you. xoxo

  2. Fin = Fine. Not trying to throw in another language are reference The End. ;-)

  3. Dude, it's shit like this that makes me wish I were a hot guy so I could marry you.