Salt in my Hair

(I shouldn't have, but I ended up going surfing yesterday. It was a good day out, but my excitement is somewhat tempered by the fact that I've been studying tonight and I just failed my teaching pretests in math and writing. Suck. I'm going to try to put that behind me, remember that I have two more full days to study before the real thing, and record some thoughts about my session yesterday.)

Man, it was so good to see Jules. It was good to just be in the surf shop and see everyone and know I would be getting wet. I told Jules I was nervous about how long it had been since I'd been in the water (seven weeks! The longest since I started), and she said that surfing is different than most sports because sometimes you can get better in between sessions in the time you're not practicing. I knew what she meant. She talked about how surfing involves both skill and resistance: you have to have a level of skill, but you also have to be ready to let go. And all the skill in the world won't move you forward if you're not ready to give up some resistance.

The water was nuts yesterday. Totally crazy. Maybe 8'? Bigger? I don't know. But it was building the whole time we were in (to 15' today) and we got some monster waves I never would have felt ok about had I been alone. They were super fun, but the conditions meant that I got way tired way fast, and it meant fewer rides. But the rides I did get packed a punch, and those kinds are great.

I caught about ten waves, and almost half of those died out right after they picked me up. It's something about winter or something - you think a wave is going to pummel you and it barely smacks you and then dies out immediately. (Half the time. The other half it does pummel you.) Of the waves that were strong enough to ride in, I only took one on my knees. It was a nice ride, but (don't tell Jules) kind of boring. I'm surprised to admit that it doesn't pack the thrill it once did . . . I think I just want a little more. But it was ok. For all the other rides, probably just five, my feet were on the board. They weren't on it exactly the right way (can't get my front foot to turn), and they didn't stay there for very long, but they got on for every decent ride. That's really something. One hilarious ride I popped up (always the "right" way now, almost never with my knees), stood on my feet, flung my arms up and kept going backwards right off the back of the board. A perfect 180*. Very spastic. One pretty good ride I lasted a couple seconds crouched down on my feet before falling off. That wasn't bad. My first ride was my specialty - the downward dog - where my feet get on the deck but I'm too afraid to let go of the rails and I can't seem to bend my knees so I ride with my butt in the air. Not pretty. But, you know, progress. Tiny, microscopic progress.

It was fun to play around, and I just love being in the water and laughing with Jules, but - maybe it was the tough conditions or maybe it was just me having a tough week - the whole time I was getting bummed about having another session without a major "click" or tangible improvement. Even with my little rides with my feet on the deck, I just kept thinking - how long do you do something you're not very good at?

After about an hour the waves were getting ridiculous, so we finally got out and stood on the beach for a while to see if anything surfable was coming so I could get another few rides in. While we watched the sets mash around, I told Jules that I was truly sick of being shitty. I hated to be such a downer, but I wanted to be honest and I couldn't avoid what I was feeling. Well. Jules is so good. I don't know if it's her voodoo magic or what, but even when I'm at my most discouraged, she makes me want to keep going. She started talking about how far I've come, and how much I enjoy surfing. She talked about how comfortable I am in the water and how it's hard for anyone to make progress when you only get surfable conditions once every month or two. She talked about how I've been so determined and said, "Do you see anybody else out here in this water?" It was true. There wasn't a soul to be found.

As she was speaking she started slowly wiggling to one side and then kind of pushing her whole body slightly back and forth. You never know with Jules, so I just listened and waited to see what direction we were going in. Then I noticed she was writing something in the sand in big letters as she continued to list the reasons I was basically born to be right there, right then. When she finished foot-writing it said, "LOVE SURFING." She looked at me and said, "But you love surfing." I wanted to lay my body on the sand across those big letters and absorb her belief in me.

I think the summary is that I didn't make any huge strides in my skill level yesterday but I did decrease my resistance. That probably makes it an important session and a good day.

(Later Jules was telling me about her own experience of doing something she isn't great at: she takes guitar lessons every week and has for the past two years. She isn't satisfied with her progress, but she keeps at it. She said to me, "What am I doing? I don't know. I guess I want to be Fergie of the Chili Peppers." I opened my mouth to correct her and then stopped. As if you needed a reason to love her more.)

Salt in the Wound

Since you last heard from me (and before), I've been pretty much non-stop working on my application for the teaching program, which is due on Monday, and simultaneously studying for my first teaching-related exam, the Pra.xis I, which I'm taking on Monday. Both are proving to be tough - I need to write an essay for my application and I'm just terrible at essays. I can't get the first words on the paper; I freeze up. And the Pra.xis I covers reading, writing and (duh duh duh) math. Math? Yes, math. It's not terribly difficult, but I literally haven't done algebra and geometry for twenty years. So it's going like this:

How do I find the circumference of a circle? Oh, this says 2πr. Ok. I'll just have to remember that for the test. 2πr. That shouldn't be hard. Wait, what about the volume of a cylinder? That's πr². Ok. I'll just remember 2πr and πr² for the test. I can do that. But what about converting Celsius to Fahrenheit? Ok, I see that's F = 9/5C + 32. Ok, I need to remember 2πr, πr², and F = 9/5C + 32.

Anyway, I'm up to about 20 little hints or formulas that I have to remember for the test, and frankly, I don't have much hope that's going to happen. You kids might know all those, but I was never great in math and I haven't used even one of the formulas I'm studying since high school. Man, it's intimidating to be doing this after so long. And this is by far the easiest of the 5 tests I have to take! If I even make it into the program. (Deep breath.) One step at a time.

So what could be more cruel than me starting another day that will easily be twelve hours of studying, and then getting an e-mail with the surf forecast that shows it is THE FIRST PERFECT DAY IN WEEKS AND WEEKS AND WEEKS?! And tomorrow will be the same - actually, even better! It kills me. Kills me. I need a surf so bad right now. I can't tell you what a day in the water would do for me. But I can't even consider it - there's just no way. I got a cheapy ticket to the Blazer-Jazz game tonight, and I don't even think I can make it to that. I know, probably not a lot of sympathy for the unemployed girl who can't make it out for a surf, but that really hurts.

Ok, back to the books.

He Don't Even Speak Good English

Heavens, what supportive comments on my last post. You guys are a good group. I think I'll keep you.

I've been stressing about the various details of that whole plan, so much so that this afternoon I gave myself my second migraine ever. Those really suck. I quickly took some meds, pulled the blinds, and put a sleep mask on. I ended up snoring away with the cat sitting on my hip for about an hour and a half. I think it was just enough to keep the worst of the headache at bay, although I did get to the stage where I felt like my eyeballs were being pushed deep into their sockets. Ugh. Migraines are bad. So tonight instead of studying for my initial test for the teaching program, I popped in a movie and just vegged in front of the TV. Not the best use of my time, but I wasn't sure I could handle reading after my headache.

I enjoy seeing movies in the theater, but I'm a bit hard to please. And I'm totally disappointed by what passes as good acting nowadays. So I decided to rent some oldies that I've never seen before from this list and started tonight with 12 Angry Men. What a film! And Henry Fonda - what a great performance. His face is so expressive; he is entirely believable. I absolutely loved this movie. It reminded me so much of jury deliberations on the trial I was on a year or so ago. (And it made me want to write about that experience.) I thought Jack Klugman did great, too. It's kind of fun to watch movies without a bunch of special effects and just absorb the story. Great movie. I've only seen Henry Fonda in one other movie - On Golden Pond. Holy cow, is that a good movie or what? I haven't seen that since it came out. That would be another fun rental.

If I get my studying done tomorrow, next up is Glengarry Glen Ross. Not exactly an oldie, but highly recommended. Any other great ones I should see?

The Fish? They're Coming With Me

So it's been 11 months since the nasty layoff and time keeps ticking. I've been applying for jobs that come up, doing volunteer work here and there, enjoying my free time, and having no idea what I'll do long-term. None. I just can't see it. And I don't know what do to. I keep thinking that as I spend time thinking about it, searching through the want ads and researching other opportunities, something will just *click* and I'll think - that's it. That's what I want to do.

But it hasn't happened in 11 months. People keep telling me that this is a perfect time to figure out what I want to be when I grow up and go in a totally different direction, and I know that. But I don't know what that direction would be. It would be really cool if I could say SCREW IT! and pull a Jerry Maguire and do something radical. I'd love to figure out a way to travel internationally and surf full-time, of course I would. But I don't know how. And I don't know if inspiration is going to come if I keep on waiting.

What I do know is this: I have zero interest in business, maximizing profits, improving morale, running test scenarios, conducting root cause analyses, leading conference calls, handing out 3% raises. I don't want to keep track of your sorry ass and if you're late to work or not. I don't want to take classes where I give mock sales presentations, and I don't want to travel to visit clients. I don't want to meet with you weekly to track your performance and "inspire" you to work harder, and I don't ever - and I mean ever again - want to use the word "passion" when I'm talking about banking.

This creates a huge problem for me, and it leaves me feeling very vulnerable and confused. Truly. I've been in banking for 16 years and for most of that time I've really enjoyed it. At times I've loved it. It's my grandfather's profession. And I've taken a tremendous amount of pride in what I've accomplished. I literally grew up in banking. Over the years my employers have helped me earn two college degrees, buy my first house, and fulfill my biggest dream ever of living overseas. They've also helped me learn what it means to be a manager, and a leader, and I think I've done a good job with what I've been taught, and I've given a lot back to them and to a few hundred employees. But banking is different now than when I started in 1993. And I think if it wasn't already on life support from my time in Japan, the job in New York pretty much killed it for me. I'm sure it's deeper than that, and I guess there were good things about that position, but when I think of a truly soul-sucking job, I think of my job in New York. And I want to put that behind me.

I want to do something bigger. I want to do something meaningful. In the past I've make a conscious choice to have a job that makes decent money and leaves me time to do volunteer work to find personal meaning. That worked out well for me for quite a while. But now I'm tired of it all and I want to do something that matters, even just a little bit.

My brother and SIL are teachers and they've suggested teaching to me a few times. I remembered that when I taught for 3 terms at a local college in Japan, I really did love it. I found a little evidence of that here on the blog - #24 on my 100 Things list from 2007, and in this weirdly-formatted post from 2004. And I used to talk with my then-boss about how much I liked it after I'd had a particularly good class. Last week I got out my old student evals from that time and they're really great - they reminded me of the feeling of connecting with students and the sense that you're making a small but real difference in someone's life. I'm not saying that teaching is my true calling or my passion or my dream come true, so settle down. But I did really love teaching, and I eventually quit just because it was so damn much work for so little money, and I had my very demanding day job to attend to.

So I've been thinking more about teaching and I'm horrified to say that I think I'm applying for a Masters in Teaching program that will allow me to become certified as a high school teacher in hopefully one year-ish. I would want to teach psych/soc, which is what my undergrad education is in, and psych has always been my first love. The whole thing is so mysterious - so many tests to take and forms to fill out, classroom observations, student teaching, and more. I mean, student loans. Can I even do this? Am I too old? Am I too tired? Do I even know how to be the student, the employee anymore? What if I can't support myself on the salary? And what if I get into it and don't really love it? It's very possible. What if I become a teacher and then complain about my job and you guys all say YOU CAN'T COMPLAIN ABOUT TEACHING. YOU DIDN'T LIKE BANKING. YOU HAVE TO LIKE TEACHING.

I think I'd feel better if I had a revelation, maybe a vision in a dream or a thousand angels descending on my apartment with the message that I'm supposed to be a teacher. I don't have that at all. But I think I'm at the point where I'm deciding this might be a good job that I might end up really enjoying so I'm thinking about going for it. Maybe summers off to surf? I don't know.

This whole being a grown up thing is exhausting.

Be the Change

Last week on Wednesday and Thursday nights I watched the Haiti news coverage until I'd cried for about 2 1/2 hours straight and had black eyes from it. In different ways it reminded me of what it reminds everyone of - 9/11, Hurricane Katrina, the tsunami of 2004.

Last summer I spent a few months volunteering with Mer.cy Cor.ps cleaning their warehouse and auditing material aid binders, reading heartbreaking stories of people in need around the world. I sincerely loved it - I loved it - and wish I could write in detail about the work I did and the stories I heard, but I don't exactly know the proper boundaries and I want to err on the correct side. But I did love it and yes, I know I should try to get a job there. I've tried - it's really hard.

Because of my past service I'm on a list of volunteers who are called first when help is needed. What a privilege. So on Friday morning the call came at 10:00 and I gladly went in to work from noon to 5:00.

There were two groups of volunteers set up and the group I sat with was fantastic. There were about 20 people in the other room, but in my area about 6 of us sat around a table getting envelopes ready for donation receipts to be mailed out and working with collateral items for future donors. Of course I was the one to break the silence (must I always be the one? I can't help my mouth) and express how difficult a time I'd had the previous nights watching the news, and that it was incredibly positive to be doing something, channeling my anxiety about the disaster. The others chimed in with their own feelings and stories, and we ended up having such an amazing and even fun time together all afternoon. It was a group around my age or older, and it turned out that they were all liberal Democrats. (I guess the conservatives were busy at home watching Rush Lim.baugh and Pat Rob.ertson?) They were an intelligent, well-traveled and really sharp group, and I got so much comfort from spending time with them.

At one point the guy who heads the entire Haiti effort for MC came to thank us for our help, (one of many who stopped by with that message throughout the afternoon), and we asked him for an update on how things were going. It was such a crazy experience listening to someone so close to the disaster describe the detailed efforts, and great to know that so much is being done. When he left we were all speechless.

There were several encouraging moments throughout the afternoon, but the best was probably several instances of homeless people coming in to make donations to the relief efforts. So humbling.

I watched the news again last night (and bawled my eyes out again) and felt so proud of the US military involvement. What an entirely different mission than the one those guys and girls are usually assigned. I'm so proud of them.

I'm going back to MC next week to man (woman?) the phones. Call in Tuesday morning to make a donation and you'll probably hear my voice. I know it's going to be another great experience. I can't wait.

Currently Trying #5

This is a version of a Dave Barry rant. It's great, isn't it?

15 Things It Took Me Over 50 Years To Learn

1. Never, under any circumstances, taking a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can or can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background is that, deep down inside, we all believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person who is nice to you but rude to a waiter is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

I May Not be Perfect, But Parts of Me Are Excellent

Well, I admit that this is pure pain. One of the items on my Life List is to write 50 things I love about myself. Right now I'd like to punch the person I got that idea from. So I started the list about six months ago and recently have felt quite pathetic as it's lingered in my draft folder with six items on it. Every time I see it, it's a challenge: Really? I like six things about myself? That's it? I've wondered, how long should I let this task linger on my Life List? I have goals on there that will be significantly difficult to achieve - say, staying at the Ice Hotel in Sweden or earning a Ph.D. Am I honestly going to put off making a simple list until I've surfed in the Canary Islands?

When I decided to really do this, I was going to complete the list and post it on my Life List page and be done with it. Easy. But this blog is my space where I've recorded what's important to me for over five years. That's a long time in the blogosphere. So as I thought about it more, I knew what I had to do. Oh, gawd. I knew I had to post my list of 50 Things I Love About Myself right here for my little community to see. Cuss.

And then there was the task of coming up with 50 things that I really love. Honestly, it was difficult. For every positive thing I wrote down, three negative things instantly came to mind. And I worried that people would think I'm stuck up, or that I can't see the negative things. I actually thought of also making a list of 50 bad things about myself to post afterwards to show that I'm aware of those things, too. (Hello, therapist? Please keep my regular spot open.) (I bet that list wouldn't take six months to write.) Or maybe adding disclaimers. Like: "I like my body. Except for my butt! That's the worst!!" "I'm glad I blog often, even though I'm not very good at it." And then there was the issue of using confident language. I had to go through twenty times and take out the "I think I might . . . "s. While writing this list I've thought of times I've been hurtful to people I love, and felt that I didn't deserve to think of this many good things about myself. This was a tiring process. But I thought it would be an important one - a good teacher - and it has been.

My OCD prevents me from posting more than once a day (the formatting of the date would make the spacing uneven) but believe me that I have a post ready to go for first thing tomorrow to get this list off the top of my blog.

1. I love my life. I love the life I've created through hard work, infinite luck, and the intense kindness of other people.
2. I love my body. Mostly. This body has gotten me through 38 and 3/4 years of adventures in every corner of the globe. It's been a faithful travel companion, and I'm grateful that it still works. Mostly.
3. I have a good, long neck.
4. I like my feet. I have good feet and lovely toes. Very grippy.
5. I recognize my ability to overcome difficulty and appreciate that I have the inner strength to do it. And then do it again.
6. I like that I form my own opinions. I can listen to others forever, but in the end I think what I want to think.
7. Eyelashes. Flutter, flutter.
8. I'm a very compassionate person.
9. I like my fingernails. They're very strong.
10. I made one of my dreams come true and moved to Japan for almost four years. I still can't believe it!
11. I love that I'm a reader.
12. I genuinely value diversity so much. The more different you are from me, the better. Something I've never encountered? Great! Something I don't quite understand? Help me understand. I want to learn from you.
13. I haven't always, but I do currently know the difference between you're and your. I'm glad.
14. I have a freckle behind one ear that's pretty cute.
15. My skin is soft like buttah.
16. I'm pretty adventurous. Something new? Let's do it!
17. I'm glad I journal often and have since the first grade.
18. Just because something is hard doesn't mean I shy away from it. I'm glad.
19. I love my own company.
20. Good teeth. No braces.
21. Lots and lots of silky hair. 100 pounds of it.
22. I really know how to keep a secret.
23. I'm new at it, but I think I'm a pretty good Auntie.
24. I don't mind my ability to come up with just the right swear word for the appropriate situation. And sometimes for an inappropriate situation.
25. I think I'm generous. When I'm in a position to give, I do and I can't think of much that I enjoy more.
26. I have smallish wrists. They're nice.
27. I'm an explorer. I have a desire to discover
28. It's important for me to improve. I'm pretty familiar with my shortcomings and weaknesses, and I've put a lot of time and money into working on them.
29. I love that I push myself to grow. Always pushing further.
30. I'm glad I like to keep things clean and organized.
31. I am learning to surf. I absolutely love that I'm learning to surf.
32. I love that I watch my favorite movies 20 times and get just as caught up in the story the 20th time as I did the first.
33. I'm a pretty great listener.
34. I'm glad I value my ideas. I don't always go with something I've thought of, but I believe that my thoughts deserve to be heard just as much as anyone else's.
35. I have really good intuition.
36. I love my attitude problem.
37. I know how to travel light. One small pack for two days or three weeks.
38. I have a very tender heart. I cry a little more than most, and everything - good and bad - goes in quite deeply, which can be hard, but I am glad that in all these years I've never really closed my heart up.
39. I don't have to win an argument.
40. I respect people. When I look at a person, I'm focused on them. They matter to me.
41. I have good legs.
42. I'm glad I'm liberal.
43. I do a good job at taking care of my cat. He's the only pet I've ever had, and I think I'm a good kitty mom.
44. I'm pretty good at having fun. I haven't always been, but I work at getting better. It's important to me.
45. I'm glad I've become a traveler, and I am proud of myself that I've taken every opportunity to travel the world so that I can learn about people and places that are different from me.
46. 5 feet, 11 inches of me, every inch better than the last.
47. I have a good, loud laugh. I used to get made fun of for it and that was a little rough. But if the worst you can say about me is that I'm laughing too much, I'll take it.
48. I can ask for help, and I do a lot.
49. I have a good heart. I don't always do or say the right things, but my intentions are almost always good.
50. I'm a very grateful person and I know that I didn't develop all these awesome qualities without an army of supporters who have taught me important lessons throughout my entire life. I think of them often. They are my kindergarten teacher and other teachers, my Grandpa P and all my immediate and extended family, my friends - loads of them, some employers, volunteer coordinators, authors and artists, animals that have been in my life, and more. My gratitude list goes on forever.

(Title of post taken from a book by Ashleigh Brilliant)

Withdrawal*

I couldn't be more frustrated about the lack of surfing lately. This is getting crazy. Jules and I talked on Wednesday, and she said the waves were surfable but the weather was kind of shitty - rainy and windy. But here's the thing: I don't care if it's raining. Or snowing or hailing. I want to get in the @#$%^&* water. It's making me edgy and jumpy and crazy.

Last month after a few weeks without waves I decided that I needed to find a surf school to ensure that I'm not basically kneeboarding for the rest of my life. I read up on a few and found one in particular in Costa Rica that looks pretty good and is quite cheap. (The schools in California are three times the price. Meh. Keep 'em.) Nothing fancy, but that's ok. I think it might even be the same school that the author attended in that book I won from Patagonia. Well, once I started really looking into it, the insecurities crept up and I decided that I just can't. I can't do it. I can't travel that far, alone, and look that silly and be terrible and wipe out 1,000 times and have people wonder, What is she doing? Why did she even come here?

You know what I think now? I think I wasn't desperate enough before. I hadn't gone long enough without wax in my hair and salt water up my nose. I had the luxury of thinking I would be surfing soon enough, maybe on Christmas. No? Oh, ok. Probably on New Year's. No? How about the following week? 15' waves you say? Oh.

So I guess I'll keep tossing pennies into the jar and keep focusing on a time, hopefully relatively soon, that I'll have the good fortune to be able to have 2 or 3 practice sessions a day on beginner-sized waves and wipe out 1,000 times and make a complete fool of myself. Damn. I should be so lucky.

*With-draw-al, noun. Discontinuation of the use of an addictive substance.

Greeting the New Year

I had such a nice time last week at the coast with the girls (Kerri Anne, Sassy Leo, and Sizzle). We spent two nights in the cutest cottage right on the beach and passed the hours talking, playing cards, and drinking wine. The weather was nasty ! so no surfing, but nothing could keep us from taking a quick midnight dip - and it felt amazing to be in the water at the exact moment it clicked over to a new year. It really was perfect to feel the force of the waves (I mean, before my entire body went numb) and just affirm the connection I have with the ocean - one that has deepened greatly in the past six months.

Several times during the weekend I had a sense of overwhelming gratitude to have friends that I can hang out with for two days at the beach. I'm a pretty private person and a bit of a loner, but I need good conversation and good people in my life to know and be known by. My time in Japan was somewhat lonely and I was pretty isolated in New York as well. I love having so many people I care about here in Portland. I'm very lucky to have more than my share of close friends, and blogging has only helped me develop even more great friendships. I thought about that a lot over the weekend.

I love a fresh start and am grateful to see another year. During the last week I've made lots of resolutions and set many new personal goals, and I'm actually already working on a few. I'm ready for the new year! So I guess the questions is: 2010, are you ready for me?

Nihon

I've been missing, missing, missing Japan lately, so on Sunday I closed my eyes and clicked my heels three times, and found myself at my local Uwajimaya Asian grocery and gift store. It was wonderful. And now let's all be totally amazed that I live in a place that has a local Asian grocery store. For, lo - this was not always the case.

Free Admission - Portland Chinese Garden

I'm a member of our local Portland Chinese Garden (only $35 people!) so I get to enjoy it anytime I want. On a sunny day I'll bring a book and go for two hours, or if I'm downtown in the area I'll pop in for ten minutes to just see what's blooming. The garden is patterned after a beautiful garden in China that I've actually been to (crazy) and it's one of my favorite places in Portland - even more than the Japanese Garden. It's so well done and there are hundreds of Chinese design elements to enjoy in addition to the various trees and plants. I can't say enough about it.

I'm a big fan of making art and culture available to everyone, so I always figure out free or reduced admission days at museums and art spaces. The coolest thing is that the Chinese Garden just started ten days of free admission to celebrate their tenth anniversary! It's Jan 2 - Jan 11, which means it started yesterday, which means: go, go, GO! They have special activities every day of the celebration, so pick something you're interested in, or just go any old time. But do go! It's so beautiful, so peaceful. You'll be really glad you did.

It's located on the corner of NW Everett and NW 3rd. Go a block down to Accuardi's Old Town Pizza afterwards and say hi to Nena, the resident ghost. This has been a public service announcement. We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.