Progress

It's a sunny day and I'm headed out with my books to study in the sunshine. I'm preparing for yet another standardized teaching test. This is another biggie - 4 hours long and it cost $190 so I'd like very much not to fail it and have to take it again. The areas of testing are: language arts, social science, art, mathematics, science, health, and physical education. I know. I'm nervous about it.

My goal has been to get in 6 - 8 hours of study each day, although I admit that I only did that three days this week. (I know.) I hope to do that every day for the next two weeks (test is on April 10th) with hopefully one day off for surfing if the waves calm down. Speaking of calming down, I am stressed about this damn test. I am loving the material - just loving it. I am retaining it and I can picture myself teaching it. Learning is so exciting. But I just feel a lot of pressure to pass this one, so my schedule is very open for the next two weeks and I have to stick to my plan.

I've been keeping up with my jogging and it's going well. This week I hit 3 miles twice! I haven't done that since last summer. Over the fall and winter I developed this nasty smoker's hack that we first thought was bronchitis and then the doc said it was whooping cough and now it looks like I've developed adult-onset asthma. Wha? Very frustrating and not at all sexy. So I've had to deal with this short-of-breath feeling (explains why I couldn't even carry my own board last time Jules and I went out surfing) and relearn how to pace myself when I jog. I was stuck at one mile for-ev-er and felt like I'd never again be able to go further, but I've s-l-o-w-l-y built back up to where I can consistently run 2 good miles and occasionally more. It feels great! I don't want to make anyone throw up, but today is my "off" day where I take a break and it's hard to keep myself from going running! This is a perfect visual for how it helps with . . . everything.

Thirty-Nine

Last year was a great year for me. Lots of scary changes but lots of good things, too. I especially enjoyed last summer and everything involved in learning how to surf. If twenty years prior you told me that I would take time off from work in the summer after my thirty-eighth birthday to learn how to surf, well, you would have had to find me first. I skipped a lot of class during high school. But if you'd found me and told me, I probably wouldn't have believed you.

I turn thirty-nine today! I'm not going to lie, this one hurts a little. My parents are 39, I'm not 39, right? My sister was kind enough to go first (18 months ago) and pave the way, so it's not completely uncharted territory, but 39 feels tough to swallow. Still, I have a long list of things I'm grateful for - it starts with my good health, and includes my family that I love so, so much with two perfect nephews to hold and hug, my friends that love and care for me in big and small ways, my awesome apartment, my dependable car, a possible career change, and it just keeps on going.

I'm hopeful that this year will contain some great surprises and adventures of its own. Maybe 39 will be the age I take long rides on my feet on my surfboard? I hope!

Hard to believe, but I turned 34 here, 35 here (I guess I didn't want to talk about it), 36 here, 37 here, and 38 here! What have I been going on about?

With A Bullet

• So the excrement continues to hit the propeller-driven ventilation device, and I continue to hang in there. You know. I'm making it. I'm finding it hard to want to do much or interact with other humans, but I'm still running and I'm persevering and trying to stay encouraged. On days I can't stay encouraged, I'm showering and brushing my teeth. Mostly.
• The cat has suddenly started sleeping on my pillow at night. He's fairly good-sized, so that leaves me a tiny corner on which to lay my melon. It's too sweet to make him move.
• The latest thing to make me absolutely nuts: Super neat that Conservatives are rewriting history and no one is stopping them! This impacts your kids, by the way. You don't mind if your kids don't learn about African American and other minority heroes in American history, right? What did Martin Luther King Jr. really do, anyway? Big thanks to Conservatives and to other Christians who (shock) probably aren't even aware of this issue. Good, brief video here.
• I am reading a real page-turner right now about the production of genetically modified, hyper-palatable food. It's (unfortunately) called The End of Overeating. This makes the documentary Food, Inc. look like a romantic comedy. (Ok, not quite.) It's outstanding - highly recommended.
• I think this is officially the longest stretch of unsurfable weather since I started surfing last summer. Reading the wave report each day is becoming physical painful. I am, however, starting to feel the slightest stirrings of excitement that changes are coming. I don't even know if that's true, but I can almost envision a time when I'll be loading the board and driving to the coast for a session again, and it feels like it will be soon.
• I've been waking up at night, every night, over job and money stress. I am applying for jobs and not getting calls on anything. And these are jobs I'm qualified for - jobs I've done before. I don't understand it unless my resume is just one in a stack of 100 qualified applicants. I admit to feeling desperate and discouraged. I did, however, recently remember that last time I was looking for a job, dumbing down my resume helped immediately. (I got the very next job I applied for!) I spent a few hours today stripping my resume of all major accomplishments, and I'll give it another go with this new and improved? version. Please cross your phalanges.
• I've almost decided that I need to do the two-year, part-time school program (to become a teacher) instead of the one year, full-time program. School would still start this summer, but I would be working during the day and going to school at night. It's a really tough thing to accept, and I'm not quite there, but I think it's the smarter choice. Stay tuned.
• I'm headed to Seattle later this week to spend time with my brother and sister. All three siblings in one place! I can't wait.

Holding On

I'm really struggling lately to stay positive. I don't usually worry about staying positive, I just roll with whatever I'm feeling and that's always ok with me. But right now there's a shitstorm of things going wrong in life and I really need to keep the good vibes flowing. It's hard. I'm definitely fighting the We're All Going to Die Homeless and Alone* spiral.

Re: the school/job thing, I don't know. It's a bit of a cluster right now.

I am still running a few times a week, which is very positive. If I ever make casual reference to no longer running, please break into my apartment, gently take the box of Captain Crunch out of my hands, and give me lots of hugs. Then lace up my tennies and carry me around the track.

I had a dentist appointment yesterday. My teef are always great, but I've been having some gum sensitivity so I asked my dentist about it. She poked around in my mouth and then told me it's most likely because I'm peri-menopausal. (I mean, really? Do we need to do this right now?) I said, "What???" loud enough for it to echo throughout the office, and then told her I wasn't really equipped to handle the discussion and maybe we could talk about it next time.

So I'm trying very hard to do things that make me feel like the earth is going to continue spinning on its axis, like avoiding the mainstream media, and focus on things that make me believe I'm going to make it, like these:

• I try to remember that spring is coming and very soon there will be surfable waves more often. I think this will make a world of difference.
• I have a small circle of best peeps I can call when I need someone to crawl into my mental space with me.
• I'm not much of a TV bug, but the old Iconoclasts episodes with Sean Penn/Jon Krakauer and Eddie Vedder/Laird Hamilton (iTunes) calm me down.
• My Flickr favorites really inspire me.
• I totally avoid Twitter. Oh, the kvetching. (Me included!)
• I attend Al-Anon.
• I write letters. To myself or other people. With paper and stamps and stuff.
• I've been walking around my neighborhood in the evening. It's pretty relaxing.
• I go to church.**
• I have a few go-to movies that help bring me back and make me believe that good things come from hard times. They include City Slickers, Parenthood, Miracle, and Step Into Liquid.
• I have a few go-to books that make me feel like I'm not crazy. The list usually starts with Operating Instructions by Anne Lamott.
• I listen to a specific mix of music, and it always includes Craig Carothers. How lucky am I that he's doing a string of shows here starting tomorrow night? Very lucky.
• I do the thankful list. Gratitude can be so transformative.
• I look through a massive file I have that contains encouraging quotes, poems and blog comments. I always find something that speaks to me. This is one quote I like right now: Hold on to what is good, even if it is a handful of earth. Hold on to what you believe, even if it is a tree which stands alone. Hold on to what you must do, even if it is a long way from here. - Pueblo Verse

*well-said, from Dooce

**bookstores