Evolution

I had a great surf session two weeks ago and I guess I haven't written about it because of all that studying. Conditions have been terrible (big and stormy) here for months, so I hadn't been in the water since January. That session in January was good, but I'd been critical of my lack of progress and disappointed in myself in general. This time around I spent time thinking about my goals for the session and specifically wanted to make it through 1) having fun the whole time (no trashing myself), and 2) being really thankful for the waves. I figured I'd probably caused the lack of waves between then and now by my total ingratitude and spoiled-brat attitude. This time I wanted to maintain a better focus, so fun and gratitude were my only goals.

I got pulled over for speeding on the way to the coast. Sucks! The policeman was an older guy and he was so nice. He talked to me for-ev-er and told me all about his career and life and kids. I thought I was in like flynn until he slapped me with the ticket. One of his sons was even in the Nelscott tournament last year! I told him that I'd gone to that contest and how cool I thought it was that his son was that great of a surfer, how inspiring that is for a baby like me. (And how old is he and could I please have his number?) I still got the damn ticket.

Seeing Jules was soooo good. She had a lesson before mine, so she was already wet and salty by the time I arrived. She talked with me as I pulled my gear on (wow, strange to get into the wettie after so long; felt very unnatural) and then we sat on the curb above the cove and caught up. As usual, the topics of the beach talk are top secret, but I will say that one thing we covered is that frustration in life of knowing a behavior or mental pattern or whatever isn't good for you and feeling ready to stop, but not quite being able to. Just that inner conflict of: I don't need this old coping skill anymore, but here I go dragging it out again and using it. Damn, I hate that. It was a great talk and got us both opened up and ready to be in the water.

My session was good. As we wandered into the water at the beginning I did have the thought, "Is this fun?" The water was so damn cold, and keeping track of my board felt so foreign. (Luckily, Jules helps with the board when I'm tired or distracted. Such a luxury.) The waves were around 5' I think, but they had teeth. Jules took a slap on the side of the head at one point and we both got knocked around a bit. The waves in non-summer months are just different here. There was also a monster rip that made us really have to move around to find a spot where we could play without drifting north 15' each ride.

The jogging and my little 8 lb hand weights have kept me in fairly ok shape even with the dearth of surfing these months. (Exception: my paddle muscles. I know of no way to prepare myself for what happens during a lesson and the inevitable pain the following day when I'm barely able to use my arms.) From my first ride, I attempted a normal (no knees) pop up to try to get to my feet every ride. I had a good time messing around and it didn't take long before it all felt pretty normal again. And about four or five rides in, I was feeling the intense rush/total connection/never want to get out of the water feelings I've had every time before.

As I continued to try to stand, Jules watched my foot placement to coach me. I was having two problems - not charging forward hard enough during my pop, so I'd plant my feet on the back end of the board instead of the middle (and then fall), and not pivoting my front (right/goofy) foot so I was standing sideways on the board. She teased me saying that I could ride any way I wanted, but that she wasn't aware of anyone ever riding a surfboard facing forward before. I'd have to pivot my feet and face to the left if I want to balance my body over the middle (stringer) and sustain my balance for a whole ride.

On the very next ride I had one thing in my mind - CHARGE! - and of course I got up on my feet, facing forward, and rode the damn thing. It's so me! Ride it the hard way. Don't do it the easy way, don't do it like everyone else. Do it the impossible way. Jules was stoked and I could hear her cheering behind me as I thought (in slow motion), "I think I'm finally riding this damn thing."

After that, Jules said her rule for students who can ride on their feet is that they have to count to 20 before they can hop off. I laughed at that because I'm no more in control of how long I stay on it than I was of the process of getting on it to this point.

I had another good ride a few attempts later. I charged well (it's so hard to really throw yourself forward; I don't know why, and I can't tell if it's physically or mentally hard), planted my feet, and this time I pivoted and actually rode looking like the goofy that I am: body facing sideways/north, eyes looking toward the shore. I felt more stable this time (hmm, maybe there is something to that whole planting-my-feet-sideways thing) and it just felt good. Neither ride was all the way in to the shore, but they were both great fun and awesome progress. And Jules' partner who started the photog biz did get shots of both rides. Someday when I'm a much more secure person than I am now, I'll post those here.

The rest of the lesson was just me trying to do it all again, but it didn't happen. I had one epic wipeout that caused Jules to say she'd never quite seen a dismount like that before. And one nasty wipeout where I fell from my feet to my knees directly onto the board while we were both still moving. That hurt a lot. (And the picture is pretty cool.) I got a great goose egg below my right knee and it's been black and sore to touch ever since. A nice badge of honor.

As I struggled trying to stand again throughout the rest of the lesson, I complained to Jules that I was frustrated. She said that I was doing really well, and that I'll progress more when I'm ready. I told her, "I'm ready!" And she said, "But you're not quite. Don't worry; when you're ready for it, you will." I said, "But I feel ready! I want to change!" I think we both recognized at the same time the parallel with that morning's beach talk. Why do I drag out these old coping skills when I know better? I feel ready to leave them behind. And yet I keep on relying on the old behaviors and not the new.

More belly and knee rides, lots of laughter, and finally the long walk up to the lot carrying our boards. Awesome day. I accomplished my two goals: I had so much fun, and I felt so, so grateful for the waves. More than ever.

I always make very specific playlists for my drives to and from the coast on surfing days, and as I drove home listening to my surfing music, I kept trying to think of how to describe or sum up a day that great. Being able to get in the water and slip and slide around on the board means so much to me. All I could come up with is this, but I grabbed a note card in my car and scribbled it down: Surfing is so healing. I thought it over and over on the way home: Surfing is so healing. Surfing is so healing. Surfing is so healing.

Catch Up

So much has been going on. I failed that #$@%& test and then took several days off to sulk about it and try to catch up on sleep. On Monday I didn't get out of bed until 6:30 PM! Ah, that was fun. Last week I ran down to the train station to meet Marlies, a European blogger friend who was passing through town in between trips to Belize and Montana. So cool to meet her. And this week I got to spend time with my good friend Shoo Shoo, who was in town from California, and who I've known since college. We laughed and ate and talked about the good old days (and the bad ones, too.) Our time together was just good for my soul. She turns 40 today and I'm thankful to have a few friends who don't make me feel so damn old.

I'm still running. I hit 4 miles last week and felt like I could have just kept on going. I still haven't broken through to a 10-minute mile; I'm hovering between 10 1/2 - 11 minutes. And my knees are kind of starting to feel some wear and tear. But I'm really enjoying it. I go every other day and I had to skip a day this weekend because of the weather. When I got back at it on Tuesday, I couldn't believe how glad I was to be back at the track.

While I was living life, my iPhone reader client got jacked and I lost all the bookmarks on the blog posts I was going to come back to comment on. (That's the normal process: read, flag, go back later and comment.) So I'm sorry if I haven't been around. I'll be back soon!

Reset

I had a great surf session with Jules last Monday and I want to write about it so I don't forget any of the salty goodness.

Pretty much since that session I've been in the We're All Going to Die Homeless and Alone spiral, but I'm trying very hard to not future trip about: what the job market will be like in 2012, if I'll ever get a Shitty Banking Job to support me through school, if I'll have to work for a boss young enough to be my child, if I'm too old to be doing this stupid career change anyway, the feeling that any minute I'll have to give up running and surfing - things that truly make me happy - and go back to the rat race, and 100 other worries that have made the past several days a genuine tragic-drama.

One other tiny thing that set me off this week was that Jules started a new business having her partner take photos of her surfing lessons. It sounds like such a good idea - capturing a particular breakthrough, or even just having a keepsake of a really great day. Unfortunately, I have body image issues and seeing myself in a wetsuit is not my idea of a good time. It really threw me. I already struggle with letting surfing be "for me" as I don't fit the normal image of a surfer girl, but seeing it in technicolor sent me to a bad place. There are times that I can let my body image struggles empower me - I can think, I am going to continue surfing because surfing is for everyone; surfing is for me. But sometimes the struggle wins.

So I'm working through all that stuff and after a dark few days, I'm doing pretty ok. I think that I'm going through a big transition with all this school/job/career change stuff, and it's normal that fears and self-doubts will creep in. I'm trying to focus on today (ODAT) and this week (big history test on Saturday!) and let 2012 worry about itself. And I think I'll post about my great time surfing another day because it really was a good day and it deserves a fresh page of its own.

Study

After a mild winter and an early, warm spring, I've been unprepared for the few weeks of rain we've had lately. I'm over it. Luckily, this week brought a reprieve and I've been able to study on my balcony in shorts and enjoy the hot sun on my legs for hours at a time.

My third of five tests is a week from Saturday. I planned on postponing this one after the heinousness that was my test last Saturday, but I learned that this particular test is only given three times a year and I would just like to get it behind me. So I took one glorious day off of studying and have been back at it ever since. This test is specifically to get certified to teach Social Studies subjects, so it covers eight subjects: US history, world history (5,000 BC to present! Rockin' the Code of Hammurabi!), government/civics/political science (is that really one subject?) geography, economics (I think I just heard my grad school Econ teacher groan), psych, anthropology and sociology. This test is only two hours and is all multiple choice, but before we get too excited about that, I'll mention that part two of this test is in June and it's over the same subjects and is all essay. But I'm just focusing on this one for now.

I have a lot of exciting stuff going on. I guess I just mean my life. I had a great run on Tuesday - my first mile was 10:06! Six seconds from my goal of a ten-minute mile! Although I think I have to chalk that up to the post-surf euphoria, as I had a lesson on Monday and I've noticed that running/life/everything works better post-surf. And tonight I have the first of three make-up classes for the Dale Carnegie series I took a long time ago in NY. (And the way I described the award I won in that blog entry, if I may, is hilarious.) I'm scared, but it feels good to be pushing myself to do something uncomfortable. More on all of that later.

This week was again forecast as all rain, everyday, all day. This was a quick pic I snapped while driving back from the beach on Monday. (Top, right corner is my surfboard :>)

By the way, if you're not from Oregon and you're thinking about moving: it rains ALL THE TIME here.

El Condor Pasa

Hello, Earthlings. My test is over. It took every minute of the four hours and I didn't even have a chance to check my answers. Some of it was really hard, and some of it I felt pretty good about. It was broken into two main sections, and I am hoping, hoping, hoping that I passed at least one so I won't have to go through that exact painful experience again. I think I speak for all of us when I say, that was painful. I get my scores in one month, and I'm pretty sure I failed the section that included science, but I really do hope I passed the other section. The best part of the whole experience was when I arrived early with about 40 others to check in and the examiners asked if I was there as a proctor. Yes, they thought I was giving the exam, not taking it. Aging. Neat.

Before I tell you guys that I have another test in two weeks - I don't want to make anyone panic - I thought I'd blog a Moment of Zen with a meme that I stole from Sizzle and Kaply. Ready? Zennnnnnnnnnn . . .

If I were a month I'd be September

If I were a day I'd be January 1st

If I were a time of day I’d be sunset

If I were a font I’d be marker felt

If I were a sea animal I’d be a dolphin

If I were a direction I’d be northwest, baby

If I were a piece of furniture I’d be a lounge chair by the pool

If I were a liquid I’d be salt water

If I were a gemstone I’d be in the ground

If I were a tree I’d be an evergreen

If I were a tool I’d be a fin key

If I were a flower I’d be a tulip

If I were an element of weather I’d be wind

If I were a musical instrument I’d be Yo-Yo Ma's cello

If I were a color I’d be light pink

If I were an emotion I’d be gratitude

If I were a fruit I’d be perfectly ripe and juicy

If I were a sound I’d be laughter

If I were an element I’d be asking Iron Fist what an element is

If I were a car I’d be on my way to the beach

If I were a food I’d be ice cream

If I were a place I’d be Berlin, Gimmelwald, Kamakura, Siem Reap, Kailua, Lucca, or Lake Chelan

If I were a material I’d be the softest cotton

If I were a taste I’d be sakura Kit Kats

If I were a scent I’d be fresh-baked chocolate chip cookies

If I were a body part I’d be long, tan legs

If I were a song I’d be Everything's Magic by Angels & Airwaves

If I were a bird I’d be this one

If I were a gift I’d be a book

If I were a city I’d be Portland

If I were a door I’d be open

If I were a pair of shoes I’d be Birkenstocks

If I were a poem I’d be Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

Big Girl Pants

Man, I am really struggling tonight with the studying. I did great until yesterday and then I started to lose my focus. Now I'm letting the overwhelmed feelings get the best of me and I'm just starting to crack. I've been half-way between laughing and crying all day. There's just no way I know all the information required to pass this test on Saturday. I know a good amount, and I've learned a hell of a lot, but I just don't know everything I need to know. Remember how I said there are essay questions for every subject? Here are a few sample essay questions:

• With reference to the US Constitution, explain the differences between enumerated and implied powers. Explain the significance of McCulloch v. Maryland in determining the constitutionality of implied powers.
• Briefly discuss three reasons that the earth's atmosphere limits the usefulness of optical telescopes. Include refracting and reflecting telescopes in your answer, as well as relevant supporting information.
• Briefly describe the development of ritual dance as practiced by Stone Age cultures. Include in your answer the function of dance and the characteristics of fertility and hunting ritual dance.
• How can bean-bag activities reinforce perceptual-motor abilities at the lower primary grades? Include specific perceptual-motor, performance-based objectives used in movement education to support your answer.

I know at this point I'm just whining, but I feel so crappy. I think I just have to look at this test as a practice round and know that I have lots of time left to take it again and pass it. It is incredibly difficult for me to go into something knowing that it's a throw-away. I am not very good at doing stuff I'm not very good at. But the cowardly thing to do at this point would be to skip it, and going through with it will give me valuable experience that I can use next time. Can you tell that I am hating this? I am hating this.

I called my school earlier this week and changed my enrollment from the full-time to the part-time MAT (Master of Arts in Teaching) program. That means I'll start school in August and go one night a week for 14 months and then student teach full-time for six month, graduating in April of 2012. It's not my preference; I really wanted to do the super-quick full-time program and graduate and start teaching next year. But I've been thinking about it for a while and I know this is the right choice for me right now. I'm disappointed. However, what can I do but think about how lucky I am to even have this opportunity and just decide that it's time to start getting excited about August. I am going to love it. I know I am. I'm ready. And I guess it does mean I have even more time to pass this heinous, heinous test.

(To clarify - I have five Oregon state-required tests I have to pass completely outside of school before I can start student teaching. I've passed one already, and the one on Saturday is the second one I'm attempting. It's the hardest of all of them - and the only one that is comprehensive, every single subject taught in school. The first was math/language arts/reading comp, and the final three are comprehensive but only on the subjects I am choosing to get certified to teach - social science (2 tests) and business.)

So let's end on two good notes, because I need that. One is that I had my best run ever two days ago. I don't know exactly why, but it was awesome. I usually pace myself quite slowly from the beginning in the hopes that I'll somehow be able to make it the entire 3 miles without walking. And sometimes I can and sometimes I can't. This time, I just started out at a good pace and just gradually built from there. I felt like I was flying. It felt amazing. My goal has been to run a 10-minute mile. (I'm sure that's probably not very fast to most people, but it would be great for me.) I've never timed myself while running until today; I always just estimate when I get back to my car and know I'm way over 10 minutes. Today was a hard run - I just couldn't catch my breath and I felt like I was doing ok for the first mile, but running in molasses for the last two. But I wore a watch and timed myself exactly and my miles were 10:30, 11:40, 12:25; 34:35 in all. Not great, but that first mile is pretty good! And I was specifically not going as fast as I could on that one because I wanted to hang in there and run the whole three. Anyway, boring stuff, but I feel good that I might be getting close to my goal. First I want to run a 10-minute mile, and then I want to run consistent 10-minute miles when I'm doing 5k.

My second good note is that after months of 15+ foot waves, things are starting to calm down. The reports change often and quickly, so I don't know if this will work out, but I have a session scheduled with Jules for Monday. That thing you just heard? That was angels singing the Hallelujah Chorus. Sweet, sweet relief. I can't even imagine the feel of lifting my board onto my car, pulling on my booties, waxing up the deck, wading out into the water. I feel like I've never surfed before! It's been 2 1/2 months since my last surfy surf, and it was 1 1/2 months before that one. I hope it works out. It would be great to see Jules, and amaaaaaaaaazing to get wet.

So there you have it. Now let's just make it through Saturday.

Was The Gulf of Tonkin Incident About a Truck?

This is a list of what I've been doing lately:

1. Studying

Sure, there's been a fairly steady stream of meals. I've tried to get a run in every two or three days. There has been occasional showers and teeth-brushing. And I've managed to play and lose two Words with Friends games in there somewhere. But mostly, from morning to night: studying.

My second teaching prep test is coming up on Saturday and the amount of information I have to know is so vast. It's not that it's that complicated (except science; I don't understand you, molecules! And I never will.) It's just that there is SO MUCH information to review and relearn and retain. I am heartened that teachers have to pass these tests. I want the people instructing our future leaders to know how to convert miles to kilometers and what the Reformation was, even if it's not in their subject area. But it's just a tremendous amount of information. There is no study guide printed for this exam (neat, huh?) but my school recommended at least three months of preparation because there is just no way to cram for this one. I second that emotion.

The test is four hours long, and from what I read online, it's the one teaching prep test that people usually don't finish in the time allotted. That stresses me out. The hardest part for me is not that it covers so many subjects - seven - or that the subjects are so wide that each one really includes several subjects ("social science" includes history, economics, civics and government, geography, state history, sociology, and scientific research.) The hardest part is that for every tested subject there is an essay section on the test. With multiple essay questions. That is bad news in LSLville. I can try to narrow down which of the national parties came second chronologically between the Republican, Whig, Federalist, and Democratic, but I have a hell of a time naming the four major geological eras and discussing characteristics of the plant and animal life forms of each era. Know what I mean? Multiple choice: good. Essay: bad. Times seven subjects.

I am very sleep deprived; I've been studying until 2:30 or 3:00 every morning. And I do feel like I'm starting to crack a little - the stress is building in my mind and in my body. But mostly I am loving what I'm learning and really enjoying the chance to spend 14 hours a day (day after day after day) learning it. What a luxury! When I read the material I think of how awesome it would be to teach it to little inquiring minds, and then I get so excited for school. But one step at a time. First I need to pass this test.

P.S. I know their minds won't be inquiring. :)