The Pace of My Days

I know that blogging is just this tiny little thing, mostly weird, but I like it. I enjoy putting my thoughts down, however scrambled, and more than that, I enjoy reading the crap you guys put down. (Nothing personal.) However, if you're not the guy who wrote this thing, you might just want to quit altogether. I have so many favorite posts from that guy. I might just stop trying and start stealing his stuff.

I went surfing solo a week ago Monday. It was a small day, like 3 - 4', and not a weekend. Obviously it wasn't a weekend because it was a Monday, but I mention it because it's not even summer and yet I can't really handle how crowded it gets on the weekends. Seriously. Everyone who is currently even thinking about going to the coast some weekend this year is already in my space. It's been at least six months since I've been out by myself and I was so intimidated. I cried in my car before getting out and suiting up. I didn't get any good waves, but it was minus low tide and those conditions are mysterious and confusing. I spent two hours in the water trying my heart out and looking pretty silly, but I came out feeling whole. Now should I rant more about how that shop owner is full of shit for thinking I'm afraid to go out alone? I was. I am.

I was so certain I was going to get a pretty good job offer about two weeks ago. Man. When does it all come together? At what point does the perfect bow get tied and we all go, "Gosh, that girl was so smart to take a year off! It all worked out!"? Can it happen soon?

My Dale Carnegie teacher from New York was out in Portland this week for a work conference and we got together a couple nights ago. I don't even really know him, but I think if you see a person on one side of the country, and then see them again on the other side of the country, you should sit down for a few minutes and talk about life. Turns out, he's such an incredibly smart, intuitive, amazing guy. Better than you and me put together. He just knows a lot about life. I felt like I got smarter just being around him, and we couldn't be more different. It was time well spent.

Girls, have you tried boy-shorts or boxer-briefs? Set yourselves free from the tyranny of uncomfortable underwear. I mean it, I'm never going back. You? Do whatever the hell you want. I can't worry about that; I have enough going on.

"If A Bullet Should Enter My Brain, Let That Bullet Destroy Every Closet Door"

Happy Harvey Milk Day! It's California's first annual celebration of Harvey Milk, the first openly gay man to be elected to major public office. It's a great day to rent the Oscar-winning movie about his life, Milk, and learn more about his story. I have a promotional t-shirt from the movie's release, and I dug it out just for today. Milk is one of Time Magazine's 100 Most Important People of the Century, summed up with the following: "People told him no openly gay man could win political office. Fortunately, he ignored them."

Once in the public eye, Milk received constant death threats because he was gay. He famously hoped that if he was ever killed, his death would advance gay acceptance. A profoundly unselfish wish from a real life hero.

Also: Surfing

I had another session with Jules on Tuesday (and then I'm caught up! Thanks for being patient and encouraging during all this surf talk.) Surfing three times in one week means summer is coming. It also means: Omg, my life is so good, I just surfed three times in one week!

Tuesday was another big and junky day, and I would not have been playing in those waves alone. At one point a few kids came out and briefly tried to find something to ride, but other than that, we were pretty much in the water alone. I think it got up to 8', and at one point a wave came up so big that Jules (who was holding my board at the time, thank god), just went under the water and ditched my board. It was pretty aggressive. Other than that one, we did ok, although I sure noticed that those kinds of waves tire me out. Getting smacked in the head all day uses up a lot of energy. About half-way through, the undercurrent got really strong and it took so much strength just to walk around in the water. I slept really hard the night after that lesson.

The best thing about Tuesday was my first couple rides of the day. I hope I remember these rides for a long time. Jules always tells me to take a belly ride in for my first ride of any day just to warm up, but I can never resist attempting to stand and do my thing. Well. On my first ride, I caught a nice, strong wave, brought myself upright to a standing position in the most slow-motion, perfect flow pop up I've ever done, and stood upright for a nice, long ride in until my fin hit the sand. It was nuts. I had time to look up to the trees above the sand, look back at Jules, and look back to the shore. Nuts. I don't even think my arms were extended for balance. It was really crazy. Then I went back out, caught another wave, and did the exact same thing: totally smooth move, just perfect flow, standing sideways and totally upright like when I'm standing on the ground. All the way in. Complete craziness. All I can say is that it felt like totally peaceful, slow motion craziness. Heaven. Or crack.

I got about five good rides in (but no more as awesome as those), and then spent the rest of the time trying to do those first two rides again. I wasn't able to, and it got kind of frustrating. One problem is that I'm so used to falling that, as I get up, I keep my body in a position where I'd be ok to fall. It's not so good. It really works against me committing to the ride. I'm just not sure what else to do because I prefer to fall into the water vs. onto the board. I've fallen on the board during a ride before and it hurts. Another problem is that I'm still pretty afraid of pearling. I'm surprised at how much, and I'm not sure what to do about it.

But I admit that even the frustration of going through 2 more hours of nothing great wasn't able to take away the feeling of those first two rides. I never wanted them to end. I guess it's what getting so much time in the water in one week does for you - just allows you to really practice and progress. It felt amazing. I can't stop thinking about those rides.

The only other thing I want to remember from that day was a bit of a tough encounter after my lesson. I went back to the surf shop to ask the owner about getting a bag for my board. I don't care that Jules says all that wax is nourishing my hair :) I'm sick of it taking an hour to get a comb through it after I'm in the water. The shop dude is just a great guy, and he's been a huge advocate for me this past year. He gave me the Super Duper Bro Deal on a board bag, and then started giving me a hard time about still taking lessons. Now, the past few times I've been out to the coast, he's been telling me I need start going on the outside (um, further into the deeper water; outside before the waves break) and riding green water. I just blow this off because - please. A month ago I stood on my board for really the first time. But that day he was telling me that he's sure I get a lot of good information from Jules, but that I need to think about stopping lessons and getting out on my own. He was reminding me of all the folks I know from the shop who I would see in the line up, and he also said that the more I surf the more I'll meet people and make friends with other surfer girls.

This was really tough for me. I explained that I've practiced quite a bit on my own, and that I enjoy it, but that I just don't feel comfortable going out alone unless it's summer/early fall. (The waves are much stronger in the winter.) If I didn't go out with Jules, I wouldn't go out at all. Other than that, I was kind of tongue-tied and didn't know what to say. Going out with Jules has really nothing to do with any information she gives me - she's super smart, but to be honest, I forget most of the surf stuff she teaches me. And it doesn't really have anything to do with not wanting to be alone. I just know myself - I know myself - and I know when I need someone experienced with me to feel safe in the water. And I don't want to not be able to surf October - June because the water is too rough for me. And I've been in the water when I don't feel safe (black eye day) and it doesn't work well.

I don't know, it wasn't what he said, it was how I took it (poor guy probably just feels bad taking all my money), but I felt lousy afterwards. I felt like someone was telling me I was doing it wrong. Jules has been saying lately how "unique" I am in my approach to surfing, meaning, I guess, how I process it so holistically, and she means it only as a compliment. But I don't know. I wanted to say: Will you people please quit having opinions about me. I'm doing my own thing; go do yours. (I know I'm overreacting. That's cool.)

The thing about meeting other surfer girls really bugged me. I mean, I don't not want to meet people, especially because I think you can only really talk about surfing with folks who surf or you end up sounding pretty strange. But one of the specific reasons I wanted to learn how to surf was to have something I could do alone, something that could be a meditation for me. And if I do want to surf with buddies, I already know people who surf (or want to.) I felt like: don't assume things about me, don't assume I'm like other people. I'm me. I know I'm an unlikely surfer, and I know I've been a ridiculously slow learner. It's been very embarrassing for me. But this is what I do: I do things my own way. In my own time, in my own order, in my own way. In my world, everybody gets to decide for themselves what's important. I'm not going to do something a certain way because someone I don't even know has decided that's the way to do it. I can't imagine anything more stupid. I decide what has value in my life. You can say whatever you want. And then I'm going to do it my own way. That's how that works.

Anyway, I know he wasn't trying to tell me not to do my own thing. It didn't really have anything to do with him; he's just a cool guy who wants me to get all the tasty waves I can get. I just noticed a really strong reaction inside of myself and wanted to be sure to remember.

One of the stories my favorite Grandfather used to tell was about when we were all over at his house having dinner in the 70's. I think I was under 5 years old. We were getting ready to eat and I was saying the blessing for the meal - some kind of canned "God is great, God is good" type prayer. At one point he corrected me because I got the wording wrong, and I stopped and said to him, "Listen, Grandpa, you do it your way and I'll do it mine."

That's all I'm saying.

Plus Salt

My sessions with Jules last Friday was a good one. It was a beautiful, sunny day, and the surfers came out of the freaking woodwork to flood my little spot. (I know, now it's mine?) Where were these people when it was 30° out? That's what I want to know.

Before I even left my house, I received a crazy voicemail from Jules. (Crazy = normal.) She'd planned to call me with the conditions that morning, and it turned out that I'd slept in and just missed her. So with my eyes still shut, I groped my phone until I started the playback of her message. I laid there in bed listening to her totally psyched voice saying, "Is this LSL? Is this the famous, rock-star surfer, LSL?!!" and a smile crept across my sleepy face.

My surf-drive music that morning included Judas Priests' You've Got Another Thing Coming. One of my all-time favorite songs, and one from my very first surf-drive days. I'm afraid the rest of the playlist is top secret.

After my great sesh two days prior, it was impossible to keep my expectations of myself in check. In retrospect, I guess I was thinking that I'd finally had my breakthrough so I would be pretty much on the fast track to hanging ten. Or at least five? I had some great rides on Friday, and from the first ride on I was able to do my move and pop up on the board, but I quickly figured out that hanging ten is still a ways away. As I mentally processed throughout the day, I decided that I think surfing might be a long and hard-earned series of little breakthroughs instead of one big one. It sounds silly to say that came as a surprise, but it kind of did. So that means my big progress on Wednesday wasn't the end of the struggle but another beginning. Fair enough.

I still fought a little against letting go (physically and psychologically) of my grip on the board at times. I did great for many of the rides, but I started doing this funky thing where I held on with one hand (that produced strange results), and then as I got more and more tired, I had a harder time letting go of the rails. But honestly, even I could tell that my riding was night and day from two lessons prior, and every lesson before that.

The waves started small that day and then got kind of crazy and unpredictable. The wind came up about half-way through and it all turned pretty rough, so we had to really move around to find anything to catch. There was a good amount of downtime in between sets and Jules and I did a lot of girl-talk. Very, very fun, and lots of laughter. Occasionally the ocean would get small (in between big, junky sets) and it felt like floating around in a huge bathtub with a great girlfriend. Kind of like happiness + excitement + peacefulness + giggles.

I have to say that when I surf, life feels so stripped down. It doesn't feel easy, but it feels simple. I'm such a worrier - I have been my entire life - but when I'm surfing I feel like everything is stripped down to the bare elements and it's much less complicated than when I'm on dry land. I don't know. It's hard to put into words, but I felt it so clearly that day. One thought kept going over and over in my mind: Surfing is saving me. I feel like surfing is saving me.

When I got changed I noticed that my wetsuit zipper tore another small chunk of hair off at the base of my head. I'm working on quite a 'do with the caked on wax and the missing patches.

Breaking Through

This is a story about a really good day surfing. There are a lot of fun things to remember about last Wednesday, but just one best thing.

This is the best thing:

During my lesson I did my good pop up attempt every time. I got my feet on the board in some fashion on almost every try, but I ended up in a kind of squat and I just couldn't get much further. Jules was coaching me very specifically - I needed to charge forward a little harder to get my body in the middle of the board, and then hook my front (right) foot so I was standing sideways on the board. I was never remembering to hook my front foot! I also needed to lift my chest and head up, because that's what propels the rest of the body upright to a standing position. Jules always touches her heart and motions out and up with her hand when telling me to rise up. She touches her heart; "Rise up from here."

So on every ride I'd do my little pop, get my feet on the board and hover in a squat position, and then fall. Every ride. Jules would tell me "Good job!" and then give me the reminders: Keep charging. Hook that right foot; it's gotta hook for you to stay balanced. Focus on lifting your chest and your head so you come upright. Over and over and over.

I started to feel overwhelmed. I could visualize everything Jules was telling me, and I knew exactly how each movement would help me improve. But I was overwhelmed with it all. I felt like a student who was flunking class. Flunking surfing. Yes, flunking life. I couldn't do any of the things she was telling me, but most of all, I couldn't rise up. And I couldn't rise up because I couldn't let go of the board with my hands. I was trying my hardest to charge forward and hook my foot correctly, but none of that was happening because I was still holding onto the board with my hands.

After probably my 15th wipeout, and my 15th time receiving the specific feedback, I finally figured out what I needed. To be honest, I think I've known it for a while. And then after my next wipeout I found the courage to say to Jules, "Do you mind if on the next ride I don't hook my foot or do any of the other things? If I do it all wrong except for the "rise up" part? I'm only going to focus on rising up. Is that ok?" My own way. I was finding my own way. Ah. I'm starting to get a little emotional as I type this. Jules just said that would be fine. But later she said that she knew.

And then I did it. For the first time ever, I rode my board on my feet. I paddled, popped and charged, landed on my feet and rose up to a standing position with my heart facing the tops of the trees. And then I did it every ride after that. Nothing epic, my form wasn't perfect, (we actually started to wonder if I'm really goofy because of how I was ending up!) (I am), the rides were short and blah blah blah. I totally did it! I totally freaking did it. I couldn't do it no matter how hard I tried. And then I could.

Damn, I don't know how to describe it. But what I was doing what finally letting go. Literally. I've been trying to ride the board on my feet without letting go with my hands. Technically impossible, but I've been trying my heart out. And we've known for a while that it's probably not skill but emotional readiness that's keeping me from progressing, but I was just shocked, and still am, that I just decided at one point to ride standing up and then I did. And then I did again. After that first ride, we cheered and high-fived and Jules actually cried, but I figured it was just a fluke. But then it happened again. And again. No fluke. I decided I would stand up. And then I did.

At the end of the lesson as we carried my board up the steps to the parking lot, still in shock, I said to Jules, "Why did it take me so long to do that?" She said, "I don't know. Why does it take nine months to have a baby?"

That Jules-san is a wise one.

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These are the other things:

I'd gone to a yoga class the day before - my first since December! - and Jules is a big yoga-head, so our beach talk was mostly about that. I mean, the part I can reveal was mostly about that. We talked for a long time up in the lot and then went down to hit the waves.

I had a real slow start this time - the waves were about 6 - 7' that day (which is a little too much for me) and they were very unpredictable. It was just really choppy and big. Add to that colder than normal water temperature, and I had an ice cream headache from the second the first drops hit my head. I don't know what happened. I told Jules I felt colder than on our icy, 30° day this winter. So I just took it slow and eventually worked it out.

During the lesson I think I had one ride where I wasn't able to get to my feet and I just ended up with a long knee ride. I'm surprised how completely unsatisfying those are now. All they do is frustrate me. I'd rather miss the wave than ride in on my knees and waste the energy getting back out (and I don't even go that far out!) when I could have tried to get on my feet.

I did pearl once on Wednesday and I don't mind saying I really don't enjoy that. It's been a while since I've really pearled, but I notice myself making small adjustments often in an effort to avoid it. Like perpetually riding too far back on my board, just in case. It's just so unpleasant, and (minus that black eye) it's the most painful thing that's happened to me in surfing so far. Confusing underwater washing-machine action, all while dodging the board, which acts as a torpedo when pearled. Dislike.

Sometimes as I'm laying on my board and Jules is standing behind me, right as I'm starting to paddle into a wave, I'll hear Jules say something quiet and nonchalant, pretty much to herself, right as she gives me a little push in the right direction. One time that day was, "That one's just right. It's like the three bears." It's usually wacky enough to get me laughing as I'm trying to focus on paddling my heart out. The next lesson it was, "This is your sandwich wave!" just as I took off. I'm trying to paddle and throw myself upright and I'm thinking, "Sandwich wave???" (Later explained: a ride so steady and long you could just stand there and eat a whole sandwich before it's over.)

Even with the crazy conditions this time, I again noticed and was again really impressed by Jules' ability to "read" the waves. I can't imagine how many years it takes to hone that skill. But it's such an important skill to surfing! I'm not sure what to do about this.

That morning I picked out my surf-drive music like I always do before a lesson, and that day's included Jack Johnson's latest, To The Sea. In one of the songs he sings (in his perfectly laid-back voice; he sounds like summer, doesn't he?), almost begs, "You and your heart shouldn't feel so far apart." I've been meditating on that since downloading the song and using it as a frequent surf-drive selection. I could write about it forever, but for now I'll just say: I don't know of any other time when I've felt further from my heart than when I was working for that depraved bitch in NY, trying to convince myself that my work had meaning. That place took my soul. And I don't know of any other time when I've felt closer to my heart than when I'm alone in my car heading to the coast for a surf. Insert superlative. Add exclamation point. I'm getting my soul back.

Sweet, sweet music video on that Jack Johnson site, btw. Maybe someday I can ride like that?