Just For Today

It feels like my family is going through the 9th circle of hell right now. I know we're not special - I keep coming across reminders that a lot of people are going through the same. It's so tough. I hate how hard it is. But I'm doing my thing and you're doing yours. We're trying to be nice when we bump up against each other. I hope we'll all make it.

I'm going to Al-Anon every week and hoping to add a second meeting just to have another resource when I need it. Today's meeting was really great. There was a newcomer, so experienced folks geared their sharing toward how the program has helped them overall. The speaker described how much emotional pain she was in when she first came to an Al-Anon meeting 20 years ago, and she said, "We come for the relief, and we stay for the recovery." Later someone else said to the newcomer, "We come because of the pain; we stay for the miracle." Al-Anon is a miracle to me, so those words meant a lot.

There is a reading nick-named The Recovery that is read at the beginning of every meeting and it's one of my favorites. It holds a lot of hope for me. I know if you're not familiar with 12-step programs, it all sounds kind of wacky/cult-ish/Saturday Night Live skit-ish, but those that know, know.

In Al-Anon we find the tools that enable us to put the past to rest, to forgive, and go on to live meaningful adult lives. Al-Anon helps resolve feelings of anger, guilt, and denial. Through working the Al-Anon program, children of alcoholics begin to change attitudes and behaviors that no longer work into rewarding and productive ways of living. The new understanding they find, through sharing their experiences and hope with others, improves their current relationships. Every area of their lives is affected by the desire to better themselves.

In Al-Anon we learn individuals are not responsible for another person's disease or recovery from it. We let go of our obsession with another's behavior and begin to lead happier and more manageable lives, lives with dignity and rights, lives guided by a power great than ourselves.

In Al-Anon we learn not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people, not to allow ourselves to be used or abused in the interest of another's recovery, and not to do for others what they should do for themselves. The emphasis begins to be lifted from the alcoholic and placed where we do have some power - over our own lives.

Good Lesson On A Bad Day

I went out for an afternoon surf on Friday (exams this Saturday? What exams this Saturday?) and, yeah, I should have just stayed home. High tide wasn't until 4:00, so I left at noon and was well on my way when I started passing loads of minivans. With pails and shovels and boogie boards and folding chairs shoved in the backs of them. Why did I go to the coast on a Friday afternoon?

My session sucked. Or rather, I sucked. My mojo is gone. I didn't get one good ride in, and the water was freaking cold - about 45°. Every attempt gave me an ice cream headache. I use 1.5 mm gloves year round, but I don't remember my hands ever hurting like they did on Friday. I lasted 45 minutes - my shortest session ever. I need to schedule some time with Jules and find the mo and the jo.

But this is what I want to remember from that day: While I was suiting up, this douche bag kept talking to me - telling me he and his girl live in Bali and they've surfed all over the world, and how there was nothing to surf that day. (It was 4-5' and yeah, it mushed out, but there was plenty to ride.) (Not that I could manage to do it, but it was there.) He was going on and on about how he's surfed my spot for ten years and how that day it was the coldest water he's ever surfed, and he told me I wouldn't last an hour. (That made me so mad. I hated that he ended up being right.) I tried to be nice and make small talk with him, but he just ignored me. I felt invisible. I guess he was only interested in the sound of his own voice.

That dude is why I don't want to meet surfers. There are too many assholes. I have nothing in common with that guy, and there is nothing about why I get in the water that I could ever talk about with him.

I finished suiting up and went down to to the beach. I was looking at the waves and deciding where to go in, still frustrated by the encounter up by my car, when this other guy comes right over beside me and puts his board down. Older dude, clearly from the islands, small guy, sweet board. He started talking to me, asking me how long I'd been surfing, telling me my board would do great that day, giving me pointers and encouraging me. He was so cool. He had this warm smile and this totally open vibe. He was worried about my wetsuit - he thought it wasn't zipped up, but it's just a little too big for me. And he told me how he quit his job 6 or 7 years ago so he would have more time to surf. Any regrets?, I asked. None. Not a one. We talked for another few minutes and then he told me to have fun, and he grabbed his board and headed for the water.

It was just one of those brief encounters that make you feel like you matter. Kicked the shit out of my bad attitude. And I ended up feeling that I'd gotten something out of a lousy surf day - which says a lot.

Top Ten

Sizzle recently asked for suggestions for new music, so I thought I'd post the top ten tunes I'm listening to right now. She received a ton of comments over there with great recommendations. And if you have any suggestions for me, I'd love to hear them!

1. Girl I Wanna Lay You Down - ALO with Jack Johnson This song is smokin'. Impossible to listen to it without: a) giggling, and b) grooving. Go listen to it right now, but know that afterward you're going to have to call your significant other and whisper sweet nothings into the phone. If you don't have a special someone, feel free to leave me a dirty voicemail.

2. The Story - Brandi Carlile Hottest teeth-gap, super-amazing vocals, killer lyrics that start empowered and descend into a codependent mess. God, I love this song.

3. Come Pick Me Up - Ryan Adams When he sings, "Steal my records . . . " you're going to want to throw yourself under a bus. In a good way. Also, never a huge fan of the harmonica, but here it works, it works, it works. PG-13.

4. Hold Me - KT Oslin I am old. And I can't resist a woman with a powerful voice, or a story about people who stay together.

5. This Train Don't Stop There Anymore - Elton John When he sings, "You may not believe it, but I don't believe in miracles anymore," I find it difficult to breathe. I mostly like early Elton, but I think this is one of his best. This song is a brave, brave admission of complete heartbreak. One of my all-time top ten? Maybe.

6. Breakdown - Jack Johnson (Sweet video!) This song puts my mind in the right place for surfing and for life. Every time. And it contains maybe my favorite lyric ever: "I got no time that I got to get to where I don't need to be."

7. Crash This Train - Joshua James I've been listening to this for a while, but I can't stop. Addressed to the previous presidential administration. Haunting.

8. Run - Snow Patrol I've been slow to catch on to these kids, but this video did it for me. I also love the part, "Have heart, my dear, we're bound to be afraid, even if it's just for a few days."

9. After Tonight - Justin Nozuka I can't get over the rhythm of the chorus on this one. Fun to scream-sing in your car.

10. When You Walk In The Room - Fyfe Dangerfield The screeeeeech and the "Heh!" at the beginning make this song worth about an hour on repeat. But that's just me.

Outside

So I was about to leave after my craptastic session when I saw Jules take a long ride in. She put her board on the sand and ran up to where I was hanging out.

We talked for a minute about my morning. Jules said she looked over at me a few times while she was teaching and noticed pure frustration on my face. Then she said that she and her bf wanted me to come on the outside with them to hang out and take some waves. I was so surprised. I was tired and bummed and just mentally done for the day; I wasn't even sure I could physically pull it off if I was brave enough to try. But I knew it was a hell of an offer, so I took her up on it.

Jules told me we'd take the rip out, and that she would stay in front of me, and that I needed to just paddle, paddle, paddle past the waves. I said ok, and we grabbed our boards and headed to the north edge of the cove. That was it, no more discussion. But right before we walked into the water, Jules turned to me, smiling, and said, "This is important."

My first time going outside! We hopped on our boards and I started paddling. And I kept paddling. I paddled and paddled until I thought I might die. The waves were tall and strong and every time one came, I felt like I lost every inch of ground I'd gained since the last one. I couldn't keep up with Jules - she seemed to glide above the waves, and I felt like I was being tossed back and forth between them like a ping-pong ball between opponents. It was disorienting. After what seemed like a really long time, my arms were about to fall off and I was just beginning to consider giving up. It went through my mind what a totally stupid idea this was, and how dumb I was to think I could do it. Right then, I noticed Jules paddling left away from the rocks, and then, after a few final strokes, she sat up on her board. I followed her with the last ounce of energy I had, and when I was able to stop and look around: Open space. Deep water. Total quiet. Craziness. I pretty much expected to still be in knee-deep water after all that tossing around, but I looked back to the shore and it was a long way away. Craziness. A totally new experience, totally new sensations. I was stunned.

Right away I told Jules that I was a little worried because I didn't have any paddle left in my arms. Jules nodded, and told me to first pick a point on shore that I could align myself with because the rip would cause us to constantly drift. And she said that I had to always be aware of two things - looking out to the horizon to anticipate the forming waves so they didn't sneak up on me, and looking in to the shore to my reference point to make sure I wasn't drifting too far.

In the time it took her to say that, we'd already drifted back towards the rip, so we had to paddle over a bit. I was incredibly relieved to notice that it took just a short break for my arms to regain some paddle power. We moved away from the rip a bit and I sat up on my board for the first time out there, and the first thing that went through my mind was: Ah, now I'm the shark bait. :) I've been comforted during the past year that there were loads of tasty folks between me in the shallow area and any potential hungry fish. But no longer. And then I took a deep breath and started looking around to just take in my surroundings . . . and splash! I see the bottom of Jules' feet as she paddles into a wave and heads toward the shore. Gone. Jules is gone and I'm on the outside alone.

This is one thing I love about Jules as a teacher and as a person: she doesn't coddle. She believes I'm strong and capable, and she doesn't just say those things, she acts on them. I admit that when I saw her ride off, I had to do a little self-talk to not scream for my Mommy. I thought, I know she didn't just take a wave and leave me out here. But she had. And then before I could even figure out what to do about it, Jules paddled up behind me with a big smile on her face. I said, "You're back? You took one in and then paddled all the way back out here?" It felt like less than sixty seconds had gone by. Strange . . . when I paddled out, the distance seemed to take a lot longer to cover.

Jules, her bf, and I just hung out sitting on our boards, not really saying anything. There were some other kids around (including one stand up paddler - ummmm, which one of these doesn't belong? That guy was just obnoxious weaving in and out of the surfers) but there wasn't a lot of activity going on. It was really great being able to watch Jules and her bf take waves just a few feet away - watching how hard they had to paddle, and seeing the timing of their pop. Very helpful. The coolest thing is watching people from behind as they take waves - all you see is the bottom of the person's feet going down into the water like they're taking a swan dive to the floor of the ocean. I think it's something about there being a vertical drop to get into the wave out there, but it looks like a free-fall. And when you're watching from behind, their head and body disappear and all you see is the feet. It's really neat.

I learned a few things - that if a wave is coming that is too big, you need to paddle towards it (so to the horizon.) I had to do that a few times and I admit it's a little counter-intuitive, but it works. I also learned that you have to start paddling waaaay earlier, and harder, than in whitewater. This is still confusing to me. The timing is really different because you can't rely on hearing the wave crashing or peeling, or feeling it pick you up, before you do your move. It's like you have to paddle and start your move before any of that happens. To be honest, I'm not really sure how it works. I just know the whole thing is a lot quieter. The waves aren't breaking out there, so it's totally silent, even as you're paddling and doing your move. That's pretty cool.

We were all getting tired and the waves were dying down, but Jules was her super cool self and didn't want to go in until I had a chance to catch a wave. I tried for one but didn't start paddling early or hard enough, and it was just taking too long for another good one to come along, so we decided to head in. I would have loved to have tried a few, but it was such an awesome thing just to go out and experience being there and watch great surfers up close.

When we got back in, Jules told me that I should really divide my time between whitewater and paddling out now, as I'll get more riding practice in whitewater but more paddling practice in green. She also said that whenever I go surfing, I should give her a call to see if she's going out so we can go out together. I mean, how cool is that? She and the bf talked about how they learned in green water - having someone line the nose up just slightly right or left so you don't ride straight, and giving your board a little push so you have some momentum - and Jules said she will do those things for me. I think I'll still schedule a few lessons with her so I can get some really solid practice time out there, but I would love to feel confident enough to surf with Jules during non-lesson times, too.

As we packed up our gear on the shore, the initial paddle out was still on my mind. I told Jules that I felt pretty discouraged that with all of my working out (it's quite relative, but I'm definitely in the best shape of my life right now) I still could just barely get out there. I was trying to play it cool, but inside I was really thinking: I think it's beyond my skill level. I think I have to face it that it's too much for me. Jules' response was so reassuring. She told me that you don't have to be in absolute perfect condition to surf. She encouraged me to keep up my running and yoga, but said that it's also about learning the rhythm of the water. She said, "There's a little river in the middle of all those waves, and over time, with practice, your body just finds that path and you paddle right into it." She said she thinks I'm already on my way.

Rough Start

I got up at 6:15 on Thursday after a mere five hours of sleep and was on the road by 7:30. After such an amazing day on Wednesday, I couldn't wait to get back to get more tasty waves. I just knew it would be another sunny day with gorgeous waves and no wind, and I would have a ton of good pops and smooth rides, just like the day before. Can you see this coming?

I arrived at 9:00 to an almost empty lot and started suiting up. It was much colder than the day before - only 56°! - but it was earlier, too. The waves looked pretty small from the lot, and I thought it might *almost* be small enough to try green waves if I'd been with Jules, but they picked up in size as I suited up. So I just scribbled myself a note to remember to call her after my session to ask her to look for a small day in the next few weeks so we could get started on green waves.

About five minutes later, who drives up? Jules. Sleepy and smiling and with the twinkle in her eyes and the halo above her head. I was ready to go down to the water and she was getting ready for a lesson, so we only had time for a quick hello, but it was just great to see her. I'm crazy about Jules, y'all.

It was cloudy and foggy and, totally contrary to the forecast, stayed that way the whole day. Not so fun after an 85° day the day before, but it did allow me to get a fresh coat of wax on my board without it melting all over my head. And I wasn't even a little bit tempted to go without booties.

I had a pretty good first ride in the water - fairly stable, although not so long - and a few more right after that. I focused on really going for it and throwing myself into the rides, and ended up with some pretty fun and strange wipes outs on the few rides I got: no predictable back-flops like usual, so that was good. But the session was mostly crap and the ocean didn't cooperate with my romantic vision of what the day would be like at all. The conditions were so strange - around 4' and really mushy or something; the waves started big and strong and mushed out almost immediately. It felt like there was nothing to ride on the inside. I got impatient after my first few attempts and my frustration grew from there. I spent two hours moving all around the cove looking for anything decent, and only came up with crap. I don't know. My mojo was so far gone, I felt like I'd never touched a surf board before in my life.

I wondered if having Jules in the water giving a lesson made me nervous or was giving me performance anxiety or something, but I don't think so. If anything, I was feeling like she would be my good luck charm. Her boyfriend was there, and he came over to me at one point and advised me to go a little further out because the waves were mushing out so quickly. I appreciated his advice. He's so the opposite of a macho surfer; I really like him. But it wasn't having it - I couldn't get anything. There were two other instructors giving lessons around where I was surfing, and both of their students were about 8 or 9 years old. I started to feel self-conscious and crappy watching these little kids dominate their rides while I got sand in my teeth on every attempt. And one of the instructors was a girl I took a lesson with once last summer while Jules was busy, and I started to get really down on myself thinking - a year ago I was with that instructor on the inside (the shallow area), and here I am a year later, still on the inside.

I don't know. Sleep-deprivation affects me in seriously evil ways, and I am working on about a month of no sleep. And I have some heavy shit in my life right now that is just always on my mind. I'd cried a bit in the car on the drive in that morning feeling defeated and tired. And the longer I stayed in the water, the more I spiraled - feeling embarrassed about my skill level and even kind of mad at myself for sticking with it. If it's taken me this long to make such small improvements, I need to take the hint - that's what I was telling myself. I cried for a little bit in the water (I know, I can't believe I cried in the water) and just had one of those times when you feel really alone on a deep level. Of course, I couldn't just end the session and go in because - this is a trick I play on myself every damn time - I want one last good ride before I get out. I have to end on a good ride. So I was feeling like shit, crying sad, little tears, getting smacked in the head over and over by waves, walking all over that cove, looking for one good ride to end my session on. Finally, I had a half-decent ride and thought, screw this. Good enough.

I went up to the rocks and put my board down and sat down to get my wits about me and have a snack. I needed a few minutes. I watched the surfers and the waves and just felt the heaviness of all the questions in my life that don't have answers. I felt resentful that the ocean didn't have more for me that day when I'd needed it so badly. And mad at myself for driving in for 3 or 4 mediocre rides. When I was ready to go, I noticed that Jules' surf bag was empty, which meant she must have finished her lesson and gone out for some personal surf time. I gathered a bunch of small rocks and started leaving her a message on her bag because I didn't want to leave without saying goodbye. Right as I finished, I saw her take a long ride in, and she ran up to talk with me.

And then the day took a turn for the much, much better.

No Booties Day

It's rad to come home from a surf session and leave your board on your car because you're going again tomorrow! It's less awesome suffering through the heat wave without using your a/c (so far) because you really can't afford to use it AND pay for gas money to and from the coast. But people gotta surf.

I only got about an hour in the water today because I screwed around and left home too late and made it to the coast too close to low tide. But it was a great hour! The beach was packed, which, although irritating, was surprisingly easy to block out once I got in the water. Putting on the wetsuit today was a sticky situation -- really tough to layer yourself in neoprene in 90° weather. I kept it down to my waist until the very last possible second.

Maybe the best part of today was that I started my session WITHOUT BOOTIES! No booties! I was hoping that today would be one of the rare days Jules has mentioned where you can surf without a wetsuit, but I quickly figured out that air temperature doesn't necessarily correlate with water temperature. I checked and all the other surfers had full gear on, so I just decided to dip my toes in to just *see* if I could maybe go bootiless. It was painful almost immediately - the water was really damn cold. But once my toes were in, it was over because I felt the soft sand squish around my feet and it felt so incredibly awesome! So awesome. I dipped my fingers in and there was no possible way I could go without gloves, so I suited up fully (no hood; I never wear a hood, and no one needed it today) minus my booties and went in. Ahhhhhh! So awesome. My very first ride I did my move - paddle, paddle, pop! - and just stuck my feet on my board and rode it all the way in. It was really something. It felt so good to have my feet directly on the deck - they've never been there before! And guess what? My feet were made to grip that board. It felt so natural and so barrier-less. I just love how surfing is like life stripped-down anyway, and then getting rid of even one piece of gear just made it feel even more innate. Instinctive. I don't know; I was stoked. I had three more attempts, including one more great ride on my bare feet where I scootched up and down the board a little to balance myself better and to have some fun, and then I was just in too much pain to continue. I couldn't really feel my feet, and I was getting a bad ice cream headache, which I'm sure was related. So I went back in to the shore to put on my booties.

(Side note: when I was barefoot, I was very distracted by looking into the water to see what was going on down there. I'm afraid of fish - yes, I am - and all creatures sea-ish, and I can't believe how many big, huge crabs I saw today. They were everywhere, just crawling around slowly and hanging out by my toes. Ew.)

The waves were about 4-5' today, mostly 4', and it was kind of spastic. I had a couple crazy wipe outs, but also a lot of good pops and smooth rides in. Sooooo satisfying. I did notice that my arms got tired pretty quickly. I'm still on the inside riding whitewater, so I'm not tiring them out paddling; I really do ok with the little paddling I do. I don't even get sore anymore. It's pushing myself up from the board that tires me out. After about 10 of those, I can feel it getting tougher. That bums me out because I've been faithfully using my little dumbbells and I can definitely tell a difference, but I think it's just not enough. I probably need to do push ups like the shop owner told me a long time ago. Ugh. I think I'll give it a try - even just ten? - and see if I can add it to my daily routine. It's usually my arms that give out during the push up and make me have to go in even when I have more energy overall.

After my session, I went by the surf shop to ask about wax. It was so hot today that my wax melted almost completely off my board. It sucked! Usually if you touch the wax, you get sticky. Today, anything that touched my board got a thick coat of wax slimed all over it, to the point that the place where I carried my board on my head is perfectly wax-free and smooth. And, yes, all that wax is still in my hair, even after two good scrubbings tonight in the shower. (Jules would say it's extra nourishment.) Anyway, it turns out there's nothing really to do because the wax is made for the water temp, not the air, so I still need the cold water wax on it. Exactly how I'll get enough wax on it tomorrow to ride, I'm not sure. It's pretty bare right now.

While I was at the shop, the owner gave me crap (as usual) about not getting out of bed early enough to join the morning group. He said that if I could just make it there, he'd put me right beside him in the water and I'd have nothing to worry about. So cool; such a cool guy. I told him (again) that I'm not ready for green waves yet (he just rolls his eyes), but to be honest, I feel close. Jules and I are just waiting for a small day to take me out there and play around. I wouldn't want to do it on a 4-5' day like today, but a 3' day would be perfect. And then I'd love to go out there with him sometime. What an honor.

So, no booties day. A great feeling and a great time in the water. I'm going to try really hard to drag my butt out of bed early tomorrow just to avoid the crowds and to get there before the wind comes up. I don't know how I'll do it, but I can definitely see that I need to get used to early morning sessions to get the best waves. So tough. But people gotta surf!

9:57

I was standing over the kitchen sink shoving the last bite of a big sandwich into my mouth at 7:30 Saturday night when I realized it was a run day and I hadn't done my run yet. Poop. And now with a full stomach. 8:30 is about the very latest I can start and still stretch and finish before dark, so I had a little time, but it still wasn't quite enough for optimum conditions. Being the delicate flower that I am, there is a very specific mix of food, water, air temperature, wind, sun, clothes, shoes, and hair situation that I need present to have a good run.

I've been staying really consistent with my work outs - every other day since late December with very few misses - but I haven't made many gains in my running speed. I've wanted so much to run a mile in under ten minutes, and maybe I could have if I went out and just ran one mile, but my goal has been to do it in the course of my normal runs, which are usually 5k. Twice in post-surf euphoria I've made a 10:06 mile at the beginning of a run, but those were months ago, and now my miles are pretty consistently 10:50. I can stick with an 11-minute average almost no matter how far I go - 3 miles will be 33 minutes, 4 miles will be 44, etc. - but I can't get that first mile under 10. Or I couldn't. Until Saturday.

I know that a 10-minute mile is pretty slow to real runners and people who are in great shape. But I'm neither of those things. A year ago I laced up tennis shoes for the first time in a long time to see how far I could jog and I made it barely 1/4 of a mile. Since then I've tried consistently to run a mile in under ten and I've never been able to do it. And I'll never run a marathon, and I'll never be a super athlete, but on Saturday the temperature was right, there was a light wind, and the first song on my iPod was a good one, and as I finished my first lap (4 laps to a mile) and noticed 2:30 on my watch, I did some quick math and thought: I'm doing this.

I had a pretty tough week last week; there were a few difficult events that discouraged me and got me off course personally. But as I was running I was thinking how I always look to things outside of myself for inspiration - to my family, to poems or quotes, or to famous people who have overcome obstacles. That night I thought: I'm going to be my own inspiration. I'm going to accomplish my goal so when I need extra strength, I can think of something I've done. And then I did it! I came in *just* under 10 minutes for the first mile. Not much under, but it didn't matter - it was under ten. And I went on to finish 2 1/4 more in good time, even with the pause for the fist pump and the happy dance after the first one.

Next stop: 9 1/2-minute mile!