Can't Always

This is a recent favorite of mine from PostSecret. I don't really feel pressure to be overly cheery, but I bet that everyone feels this way sometimes.

Cheering Section

Two of my blog buddies from the early days are making me all verklempt lately. D (here) is a very talented artist who makes illustrations that are fresh and incredibly expressive and complex without being pretentious. I don't know jack about art, but his work affects me on many levels. D had an illustration published in the New York Times last week. Isn't that amazing? Raise your hand if you've had an illustration published in the NYT. That's what I thought. I'm really excited for him. A sampling of his work is here.

Matt Allard (here) is a blog buddy who does things with words that will make you weep. He writes stories that are vivid and tactile and urgent. He has a unique voice - and I think that is quite rare in itself - and his very first book, To Slow Down The Time, is about to be published. Can you believe that? The cool website (where I pre-ordered my copy last night!) is here. I think a lot of people write well, but Matt is on a different level.

I'm so proud of these guys. Very deserving. It's fun to see good people with great talent get recognized.

New Math

Jules and I did our thing today. I don't know; it was tough. I know I'm a broken record (Oh god, does that saying even make sense anymore?) but I'm having a hard time right now, blah blah blah, and I knew it would feel good to get in the water, but I struggled the entire day with staying present. And it's hard to surf when you're spacing off or resisting your feelings.

I took some rides on the inside just to find my feet, and then I took some green waves with Jules giving me a little push, and then we paddled out and I tried for some more green. I think I'm learning more each time I go out, but it sure is hard to understand the timing and get the amount of paddle power I need to get those green. I got some so-so rides on the inside, but couldn't get anything outside. I did try several and ended up doing slow-motion pearls, but that was kind of good because it's helpful to get used to the steepness of the green waves, even if I'm not able to ride them very often yet. Jules said she felt like I showed a lot of courage in trying new things and having new experiences.

Surfing is so hard to accept, to surrender to, at times. I must have told Jules this 100 times, but with running or banking or just about every other thing in life, you figure out what you want to accomplish, set your goal, and there are specific steps you can take to get pretty much exactly where you want to be. 1 + 1 = 2. With surfing, time in the water is obviously key, but there are so many other factors involved that you just can't get a guarantee that 5 sessions out means you're going to be 5 sessions better than you were before. 1 + 1 ≠ 2. It's one of the reasons I love it. And one of the reasons it keeps me pulling my hair out. (But coming back for more.)

While I got up for almost every ride today, I didn't have many long, smooth rides. I just couldn't feel my feet on the deck and inhabit my body long enough to ride all the way in. Weird - I don't think I've ever had that problem before. I was really stuck in my head today. The lesson after mine no-showed, so Jules grabbed her board and asked if I wanted to paddle out again. We ended up going out for another hour plus, and by the end of the day, my arms and shoulders were begging me to quit. There is a reason most surfers are in rad shape. I didn't catch anything that second time out, but made several more attempts, and had a great time watching Jules take some gorgeous waves.

Best ride of the day: On the way in for a break, Jules and I both took a wave at the same time and wound up riding in right next to each other. Once I got up and got my bearings, I looked next to me and said, "Hey!" I was so surprised to see her there, just a few feet away. She said, "Party wave!" and did a little dance. It was so fun.

Americana

Yesterday I had my first (and probably last - that was a lot of work!) garage sale. My apartment complex does a one-day sale each year, and having extra time on my hands, I decided to participate this year.

I had no idea what to expect, but I ended up getting quite an education. The sale was scheuled from 8 to 5, but I got cleaned out and sick of it early, so I closed up shop at 1:00. I met lots of people who live in my complex, which was great, and actually ended up talking with a lot of nice folks for quite a while. There was a lot of ethnic diversity, and the Asian folks loved me (because of my time spent in Japan and all the Asian stuff I had.) I had several folks who came back multiple times, and several who stayed for an hour or so just shopping around. I had multiple customers spend over $50 each! I wasn't even sure if I could expect to make over $100, so I feel like I really raked it in. And in the end, everything left over went immediately to Goodwill, so I didn't keep anything that I didn't need to.

I think that every person who walked into my garage said some version of, "This is the most organized garage sale I've ever seen!" That surprised and pleased me, but by about the 50th time, it made me worry about my ability to find a job and not get too wrapped up, or really do anything half-baked. I wasn't trying to be organized when I prepared for the sale. One person even mentioned my handwriting being very nice on the price stickers. Lordy. But I did have classical music playing (more for me than them) and I had everything laid out orderly and in logical groupings. I have a ways to go, don't I?

Least favorite part? People who argue with you over .25¢, or point at an item marked $15.00 and say, "I'll give you $1.00 for it." And there were plenty of those folks. Most favorite part? Interacting with all the cool people -- listening to their stories (and they were sharing, let me tell you) and just getting this broad overview of the community. I'm not a "people person" and I've had my fill for now, but I really liked the social aspect of it.

Most blogable part? When two teenage girls walked around looking at my things for a few minutes and then said to me, "Are you, like, Chinese? You've got a lot of Chinese stuff."

Have you seen me lately? I'm blonde. And 5'11". And really, really American-looking. Besides that I had nothing that was Chinese; everything was Japanese. I should have just said, "Stay in school, girls."

And Stick to Taking Orders, Please

School starts for me in one week. I can hardly believe it's come up so fast; I'm still telling people that I'm thinking about looking into becoming a teacher. I'm scared. I'm afraid I'll feel out of place, that I'll get overwhelmed, that I won't like it. I'm afraid I won't do well. I'm afraid I'll be the oldest in the class.

I'm interviewing for jobs again. It seems to go in mysterious cycles - I probably apply for approximately the same amount of jobs over time, but I go through periods where I don't get calls for interviews and periods where I do. All of the interviews so far, of course, have turned out the same, but I feel particularly anxious about this latest round. I have to say certain things, use certain words and phrases, in these meetings to convince others that I've been a professional person before. And when I hear myself talk like I used to talk . . . I feel like an impostor. Like an impostor and like a person who is giving up something important. Signing away their share of ownership in something valuable. I don't like it. I know it's just one last Shitty Banking Job to carry me through school, but I've never had a job without it taking over my life. I'm worried I don't know how to do it. I'm sure it seems that after the past year and a half and all that surfing it should come easy. But what's a year and a half compared to 16 years? Or 39?

With the recent heatwave, I haven't been able to run for almost a week. And before that, I was having some stomach cramping while running so I had to cut my runs short. So now it feels like it's been forever since I've had a long, satisfying jog. And I don't really feel like myself. I've been eating shitty foods and letting outside pressures or perceived pressures influence my food choices. My body doesn't like it and neither do I.

Let me tell you a story.

I've been doing a ton of dating lately. A hundred first dates, a handful of second dates, two third dates. Pretty much all really cool guys, and I've learned something important from each experience. It's been fun and good for me, but I admit that I'm getting kind of tired of the whole routine.

But two guys made it through the screening process pretty far, and I went out to brunch with one of those guys last weekend. We went to a place where the table is a griddle and you make your own pancakes. The waitress told us the instructions and gave us bottles of batter, and we got started. I like mine really doughy so I began to flip my first pancake pretty early, and the waitress, who happened to be flitting by at the time, chirped from behind me, "Let it cook longer!!" Surprised because I didn't realize the price of breakfast included advice, I looked at my date, who said, "Yeah, you need to let it cook longer."

So weird, other people assuming they know what I'm trying to achieve with my pancakes.

I finished that one up and put it on my plate and dropped batter on the griddle to start another one. The first one was slightly overdone for my tastes, so I tried with each subsequent pancake to get them raw-er, but I just received more advice. "You have to wait for them to bubble," my date said. Strange. I have to? Why? So the waitress won't give me a drive-by critique again? I continued doing my own thing, which should probably be my life's slogan, and was making more breakfast and soaking up the atmosphere, listening to the sounds, thinking about my date. Pretty soon he started laughing. "What is that?" he said, pointing.

Such a foreign thought for me. Is it that the pancake has to be round for it to be called a pancake? Or is it that it only tastes right if it looks like every pancake has looked for all time?

I took out my iPhone to capture our food-illustrates-life moment and told him, "This is to show our relationship therapist later."

The important part of the story is this: A year and a half ago, my pancake would have been the one on the right. Last weekend, the pancake on the left felt sorry for the pancake on the right. And for the bitchy waitress who really needs to keep her opinions to herself. If my date hadn't called attention to it, I would have gone right along eating the best pancakes in the world - because I'd made them my way, just how I like them - not even thinking that I'd been coloring outside of the lines.

I can't help but think that surfing has had a major influence on my pancakes. I hope very, very much that I'll see the effects of surfing in the way I experience school next week, and eventually a job, and the rest of my life. I hope, I hope, I hope.

Adapting

I had such a great session with Jules today. It's been two weeks since I've been in the water, and it felt better than I even hoped it would. But it always does. I was feeling pretty burnt out on the drive (1.5 hrs/each way) a month or so ago, so I purposefully took some time off, but I'm ready to get back at it.

I'm amazed at how much I continue to learn from Jules. Early on, she really taught me the basics and about water/board safety and helped me know what and how to practice. Then there was the time when I wasn't able to stand up yet and our lessons were just drills of pop up attempts. I wanted her with me to help me feel safe as I experienced different waves and conditions, but there are only so many ways you can say, "Push up, charge, plant your foot, and pivot." That was a long stretch of me just having to get sick enough of knee rides to want to risk letting go. I definitely learned from Jules during that period, but the scope of what we were covering was pretty small. Now that I'm riding on my feet and feeling more comfortable taking some risks, I feel like I'm in another growth period where it's just incredibly helpful to surf with her again. One lesson with Jules is like 10 solo sessions in terms of comfort and progress.

Even though I wanted to focus on green waves, I decided it would be best to stay in the whitewater and have Jules help me learn more about choosing the right waves to ride so I can have more satisfying solo sessions. It ended up being very productive - although mostly she said I just need to paddle harder and then blame the rest on the conditions. I definitely paddled harder - I can feel it tonight - but it's frustrating how much depends on the conditions! We started at almost low tide and everything was pretty mushy, but as it came in the waves changed and they really packed a punch. I was getting some real speed, which I love, but why can't I figure out when the conditions are going to be good and only surf then? Jules always says it takes years to learn to read the waves. Years? Why must everything in surfing be so not on my terms?

Today was 4' with light winds, and the water was a toasty 51°. My wetsuit is pretty big on me right now, and I'm surprised how cold I get because of it. It doesn't really trap a thin layer of water that eventually warms up, which is the goal. Instead, I have a gallon or so of water moving in and out of the wetsuit the whole time. I just end up shivering the entire lesson. I really need to figure something else out - I planned on surfing longer today but ended up too damn cold to do it!

The best part of today's lesson was that Jules had me focus on just going for it, jumping on the board and taking waves whether I was "ready" or not. It's hard to describe, but it was a great experience. I usually wait and fidget and plan and calculate, and she wanted me to just take waves without thinking about them and just operate from my gut, letting my feelings guide me. What a change. My first few rides were kind of strange - I was popping up weird because I wasn't "ready," so I would scootch around on the board a bit once I was up. After a few of those Jules said, "You know, you're kind of hopping around or something." I said, '"I know." I was just working it out. Jules also mentioned that I'm chillin' like a villain on the board with my arms down at my sides, and she said it's good that I'm relaxed, but that she wanted to give my hands a job. (Don't you love Jules? Give my hands a job. Jesus.) She wants my hands up like I'm ready to do a karate chop while I ride. And I knew from the pictures her boyfriend took during my last session that I have serious issues looking up -- in almost every photo I'm riding with my eyes glued to my feet. So I was trying to let my feelings guide me to catch the wave, and then be more aware of my habits once I was up.

I got better at listening to my gut as the day went on and pretty soon I was pulling great rides out of rides I would have ditched before. Twice I started to pearl and figured I was done, but I made small adjustments and figured it out. And once I screwed up my pop and ended up on my knees, but the ride was long so I decided to not stay there -- I just popped up later and made it on my feet for the rest of the ride. I had several where I wasn't centered on the board so I was really wobbly, but instead of going into the world famous back flop, I leaned my body in whatever direction I needed to balance and continue the ride. Change, revise, shift mid-ride. It really felt great - not giving up because it wasn't perfect. Jesus, I'm such a case. But I'm learning and I absolutely love it. I can't tell you how much I love it. On all of my rides, once I got up and steady, I said to myself, "Give my hands a job . . . and look up." It helped a lot. On one ride, as soon as I said, " . . . and look up," I bit it hard because I wasn't centered on the board and didn't notice it until too late because I wasn't staring at my feet. Jules loved that one, of course, and said I should feel it in my belly; there's no need to look at my feet to see what they're doing on the board, because I should feel in my belly whether or not my feet are in the right place. Not yet, but soon, I hope.

I had a few very tasty rides that I can still feel. We were having a discussion about facing specific fears in our lives while waiting for a good set, and mid-sentence during an intense story, Jules tells me, "Take this one - and feel all your feelings while you do it!" So I immediately took this sweet, steady ride to the left, and it was so long and so peaceful. The beach was actually packed at that point, but everything went silent during that ride and all I could hear was my own breathing. I was so present - I could feel every sensation during every second of that ride. I got choked up on that one, and when I ended my ride, I just stood there for a minute trying to get ahold of myself; I was holding my board with one hand with my head down. Jules walked in to where I was standing, and without saying anything gave me a big hug, and then we walked back out together.

I had several more like that -- long and smooth. It's so overwhelming to pop and know that it's going to be a great ride. Humbling. Electric. But relaxing, too.

It's so different from anything I've ever experienced, and it's not based in knowledge, or really even performance, or even physical effort. At least, not entirely. It's this experience of all these crazy mental, emotional, even spiritual ingredients coming together, and you couldn't force it if you tried. It's almost like it picks you. Aw, hell. I can't describe it. It's really special.

So I'm going to go back out for some solo sessions and hope that these couple lessons with Jules helped me find my mojo. Judging from the crowds at the spot today, I'm going to have to get started early if I want to avoid the chaos. I'm excited - I loved being out there today. As I went and did a few errands after my session, hair still matted with surf wax and skin caked with salt, I looked at everyone around me and felt like I had the best secret in the world. I wanted to go up to folks and whisper, "I've been walking on water."

Probably best that I didn't.

32 Years

Via JMG - this man, like thousands of others, was denied Social Security benefits upon the death of his partner of 32 years. Those benefits would have been granted to any straight spouse that had been married ten minutes. Even if it was ten minutes into a fifth marriage to someone they barely knew after having serial affairs that ended the first four marriages. It doesn't matter - they would just have to be straight.

In my opinion, equal rights for our LGBT brothers and sisters is the most urgent current civil rights issue.

Thank You For Your Call from Shawn Nee / discarted on Vimeo.

Green

I had a crazy session with Jules on Thursday. I've been buzzing a bit ever since.

When I got to the surf shop, a new guy was working the front counter. He started filling out the paperwork for my lesson and charging me the full price. When that happens, I never say a word. I appreciate every break they've given me at the shop, and I'm not about to take it for granted. But the owner came up behind me just in time, threw his arm around me and told the guy, "This is LSL. She gets the bro deal." Awww yeah. That's what I'm talking about. :)

It was really great to see Jules. She looked radiant with her blonde eyelashes and clear blue eyes. She asked me how I was doing, and I told her that I was feeling a little raw, and then I started to cry. It's all just so close to the surface, I couldn't help it. Jules put her arms around me and said quietly, "It's so hard to be amazing." We had a brief beach talk but we both just wanted to get in the water.

Conditions were really nice - 4' and glassy - and I wanted to try the outside again, but we decided that I should first take some rides in the whitewater to find my mojo. It's been so long since I've had a good session; I just needed that feeling of getting it right to help me remember that I know how. I took a few - nothing great, but I got up each time - and Jules gave me feedback. On one ride she said, "You're doing fine, but you're fidgeting a lot." I said, "What do you mean?" She showed me by doing this little dance and moving her arms around and hoping back and forth. She said, "It's ok, you're working it out" but to be honest, I was just impressed that I can move around that much on the board while it's going! Her imitation cracked me up. But it was true - I was having a hard time relaxing and letting go during the ride. And I was slouching over a little; I was having a hard time rising up with my head and my heart. "Have courage," Jules told me. "When you lift your heart, it's a display of courage."

After a handful of rides inside, we paddled out. Because of the conditions it was slightly easier than last time, but I still was surprised by how much muscle it takes. Or rather, what different muscles it takes. I was beat when we got out there. (No, I haven't started my push ups yet. I know!) We hung out for a while just waiting for something to try, but it seemed like things flattened out as soon as we arrived. The other two or so surfers (I love surfing in Oregon) went in, but we kept at it, just waiting, moving around to get in better position, waiting more. Jules' boyfriend was out surfing and he went by us at one point and said, "Nice day for a paddle."

I tried a couple out there but there was nothing to dig into. At that point I was feeling some familiar feelings - discouraged about my progress and just truly skeptical about my ability to ever really get this. I hate that I jump to that so quickly, but you have to admit that I've been at this for a while and I think I've been pretty patient with myself. And I was just coming off a couple of sessions where I did the 3 hour round-trip drive, suited up, went in for two hours, and didn't even get a single wave. To still have days where I can't get on my feet on whitewater? That makes a girl question whether or not she's just fighting the inevitable. I talked with Jules about it a little and she thinks I'm choosing the wrong waves and wrong parts of the wave, and that it will just take lots of time in the water to learn what is best to ride. That may be true, but with my progress as slow as it is, I still question my ability to do this.

We gave up on anything happening way out, so we went slightly in and Jules put her board up. We were still outside so we could get the waves before they broke, but because of the tide, Jules could just touch the bottom. That meant she could line me up and give me a little push, which is how she's always said she wanted me to try my first green.

The waves finally picked up to about 3' and Jules encouraged me to take a belly ride so I could feel the difference between white and green waves. I tried, but wiped out or ditched on the first couple, just feeling so disoriented at the slight vertical action. There really is a tiny drop! I was able to take a fully belly ride on maybe my third attempt, and it was great to feel the difference while on my belly. After that, I was really to try it on my feet, but I was still confused about when I should do my move -- you have to pop up so much earlier on green waves, and you can't wait for the sound of it breaking to help you. By then it's too late. The only times I've tried green waves, I've popped way too late.

So Jules told me she'd say "Now!" on a few to help me learn the timing, and I should pop right when I heard her. Well, it happens so fast! You really do have to go so much earlier and quicker. I have to say, I'm getting a pretty good snap in my pop, just doing it faster but without losing too much control or flow. That feels good.

So I took a wave, heard Jules yelled, "Now!", and I popped. And then I dropped! Crazy!!! I still can't get over this feeling. It's crazy! It's just a small drop, but you feel it. And I thought it would be jarring or something, but it is so crazy-gentle; at the bottom of the drop, the water just absorbs you and carries you. But that drop - wow! It was a small day, so I know they weren't huge waves, but I could still feel that millisecond of catching air before the cushion. Crazy!!

On my first ride, when I popped and got to my feet, I was like, "Ok, I'm here. What's different about this?" And then I dropped and I yelled, "Oh my god, Jules!" and looked back at her - it was so funny. It was just my reaction. My neck snapped back in her direction and I saw her jumping up and down and pumping her fists. And I was thinking, "I can't believe I just felt that crazy feeling. That is a totally new experience. That is crazy." And then I realized I was still riding! So I just took it all the way in, slightly to the left, and the did my world famous back flop off. (Ouch.) I got my board and ran back out to Jules just babbling and OMG-ing, and as we were getting into position for the next one, she looked at me sideways with a smile and said, "That's the drug."

I took several more right away, and on the next two I let out involuntary "Whoaaaaaaaa!"'s when I did the little drop - it's just such a rad feeling. I felt like a little kid unable to control my reaction or something. I wish I could describe it better. It's so out of control one second and then completely in control the next. It feels amaaaaaaazing. Near the end I had one really great ride, my best ever, that was just long and yummy after a very fun drop, and I just danced around on the board a bit to celebrate as I rode in. So fun. So, so fun.

Jules was so excited for me, just reflecting on how far I've come and how she's watched me progress. I just couldn't get over having such a new experience. I told her - how often as an adult do you get to experience something completely new, something you've never even heard of or considered before? Jules' boyfriend was taking pictures that day and he said he got several of me dropping in. You all know I'm not nuts about pictures of myself in my wetsuit, but I'm hoping there are some good ones in this bunch. It would be neat to have a picture from this day.

I had a date that night (Oh, lawd. Must blog about all the freaky dates lately.) and he asked how my day was. I tried to very briefly explain that I'd had a really great session, and how surfing is so good for me, so different than other "hobbies" or interests. Then I asked how his day was, and he'd had a really bad one - it was EOM and everyone at the office had been working late this week, the sales folks were breathing down his neck, etc. It was kind of hard not to say, "Should you just kill yourself or something?"

I have another session with Jules on Tuesday, and so far the report is looking awesome - 4' at 12 seconds with very low winds. Looks like another great day to get outside, which is good because white was super fun, but now all I want is green, green, green.