Second Week

I worked all week last week and then had school on Saturday. I came home from school and wrote a paper that was due at midnight that night. I finished and uploaded the paper at 11:56 and then went to bed, although I couldn't sleep until about 2:30 AM.

Today is Sunday and I have another paper to write and then 40 pages to read and a lesson plan to create on the material because I have to teach it during class on Wednesday.

I'm getting sick, I can feel it. I have pressure in my chest and my throat is sore. I'm pounding OJ, which I kind of hate, and promising myself I'll go to bed at 10:00 tonight and take something to knock myself out so I really sleep. I haven't had a decent night in weeks.

I'm struggling. I feel like this whole thing isn't working very well. I'm still running twice a week (which isn't enough) and I've been getting a massage on Friday nights for the past few weeks, and that hour is really wonderful. But I feel overwhelmed. I still have some personal shit that is creating stress and I feel worried about my weight and my health. I guess it feels like suddenly there are 10 things that all want the #1 spot on my cosmic priority list.

School is tough. It's not really the academics; the first class was very fluffy and didn't require a lot of brain power. But the teacher, the other students, the philosophies expressed in the program are all triggering me in various ways and it's exhausting. I've been wondering if I need to scrap it; I don't know if I have it in me right now. I'm not sure. So I'm going forward with it until I know for sure. That's all I can think to do.

Work is work. Jobs aren't that fun, huh? Letting someone else determine your priorities, how you'll spend your time, what's important to you for 45 or so hours a week in exchange for a pittance is a shitty set up. I don't know who thought of that. But I'm hoping it's just the transition -- these really tough weeks of going from 0 to 60 in two seconds -- and that once that passes, I'll be left with a pretty ok situation. I think I will, from what I've seen so far. I just need to make it through this transition.

I'm going to try to post a little more often and not only to say how life is so damn hard right now. Just for myself. Life is rough, but I don't want to make it harder by giving in to the temptation to keep my focus on how damn hard it all is. Little good things are happening (aren't they?) and I want to give those a little food and water and sunshine so hopefully they'll grow.

I'll try to pull a few out of my ass right now:

1. I ran my fastest 5k yet the other night. I'm still getting my first mile in at around 9:45, but now my second and third miles are getting closer to 10 and under, too. The other night I did the whole thing in under 30 minutes, which was a goal of mine. It felt good.
   
2. Huntington Beach might come up in a couple of weeks again. That sounds nice.
   
3. I left a message for Jules to see if she could surf next Saturday. I have a teaching conference that day, but who cares. People gotta surf. The swell is up and looking very autumn/winter-ish, but there will still be windows for surf babies like me. Hopefully Saturday will be one.
4. My boss at work is - so far - very complimentary of my skills and knowledge. He often expresses that he feels like he pretty much won the lottery with me. He's right.
   

First Week

I mean, what am I supposed to say? I haven't known how I would explain it all to you, but then I remembered that I really only have to explain it to me. I worked Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and it was pretty depressing. The j-o-b is ok. It's fine. Mixing it with school is impossible and I can't even really think about it long-term. I am hemorrhaging homework right now. Wednesdays are terrible, tragic, no good, very bad. Work starts at 8:30 AM, school ends at 10:00 PM. The break in between the two is not quite long enough to make it from one to the other.

It all feels like an assault on my body and my brain. I just ache from sitting - everything hurts. Human bodies weren't made to sit for 9 or 14 hours a day. Everything hurts. I don't know how to tell you, but this is the hardest part for me. Jules would understand.

I had today off and I had a massage and then I went to yoga. Yoga with Sarah™. There's nothing like it, and my new schedule (let's just call all of this a new schedule, ok?) precludes me from practicing with Sarah. I did amazing today, if I do say so, and cried at the end during Savasana. But Savasana begs for tears. It's almost offended if you don't cry a little.

I'll make it, I know I will. Conditions willing, I'll probably surf next weekend or soon after, and I'll settle for a B on my first paper, and I'll keep making it to work with a minute to spare. My sister totally understands, and that means everything. This weekend is time with my brother, and we have multiple runs on the agenda. That will feel awesome, I know. He's the perfect running partner. I think it really just takes a lot of time to transition. I feel like I'm either the midwife right now, helping birth this behemoth, or I'm the thing being born. Maybe I'm both.

There are good parts, too. It's not that bad, it just feels hard. Maybe now I'll decide that we can just say it: It's all working out. At every moment right now I'm becoming more of who I want to be. It's painful, but it's worth it. Gosh, that girl was so smart.

Now, come over here and give me a big hug and a foot rub. I need 'em.

Note to Self

I'm not sure how long I'll leave these up, but I wanted to share them with you guys. (After debating it for a month or so :>) These are from a session in July that Jules' boyfriend shot. I have shorter hair now. And a wetsuit that fits. And I didn't think about it until my brother said something (it's always the brother), but I do ride waves bigger than 6". Most of these are just pics of me riding in to shore after catching the wave.

I should take one of these pics and put it in my cube at work, huh? Just so I can look at it during the day and remember what matters. After training, my new schedule is Sun - Thurs, so Fridays are surfing days!

Shifting

My leisurely days are slipping away. My new job starts on Monday. Monday! Yesterday I had an amazing massage followed by a little grocery shopping and studying, and Thursday was a heavenly surf lesson with the one and only Jules. This morning was class for half-a-day, and since then I've just been chilling and doing homework. Tomorrow is hang with family day.

I find myself reflecting about my time off - of course I do - and feeling ambivalent about all of the changes in my life. I feel ok about moving forward; I'm a new person now. But I wonder if I'm ready for everything that I'm experiencing and all that is still to come. During our beach talk the other day, Jules asked me if I feel like I've changed since the last time I was sitting in a cube at a bank. It was hard to find the words to answer her, and I got a little choked up, but I told her that I've definitely changed in significant ways.

That day's lesson turned out to be one of the best ever, of course. How could it not when it started out with the surf shop owner basically giving me a new wetsuit? Jules and I have asked the shop owner to keep me in mind when he does his end-of-season sale on the rental wetties, and that day he said, "Come here. I think I have something perfect for you." He had me try on a gorgeous, front-zip suit made of super-flex material. I was bouncing around the shop, not being able to keep my hands off myself because it felt so good on my body. He traded me straight across, that new (to me) suit for the one I've been using all year. Can you believe that? I gave him a big hug and he told me to get out of there. :)

Jules and I meant to paddle out but ended up spending the whole lesson in white water. The waves were just unpredictable and I really wanted to ride and not just paddle around. So ride I did. I was just feeling it - feeling it - and so I took long, smooth ride after long, smooth ride. It felt awesome. I even got one green just by chance and loved that little drop -- that feeling is totally exhilarating and better than I remembered.

I feel self-conscious about how slowly I continue to progress (sound familiar?), but I love surfing. I felt it more that day than I've felt it in a long time. Being in the water, feeling the board under my body, the challenge of it, the surrender it requires. And I love connecting with Jules, connecting with myself. The pruney fingers and toes. The uniqueness of the experience, even when there's a parking lot full of cars with boards on top. I love surfing.

I'm feeling some fear about starting the new job on Monday. And about balancing the still-new demands of school with my intense need for me-time, and sleep, and I'm wondering how I'll be able to incorporate my every-other-day running schedule in all of this. To be honest, that is more important to me than both school and the new job. My own health has a much different place in the priority list than it did last time I sat in a cube. How will I make this all happen? I'm not too worried about surfing. I couldn't keep myself away from it if I wanted to; it has far too much still to teach me. But the rest has me a little confused, a little weepy, a little intimidated. And very, very grateful. Some other time I'll write about the feelings I've had lately of disbelief -- thinking back over the last year and a half and recognizing that once again my life has exceeded my ability to dream or hope that it would ever be this good.

But for now I'll just finish out my weekend doing what I do and taking deep breaths and being open to the next thing that's ready for me, which comes on Monday. Wish me luck.

Quick Question: What's a Job?

Hi guys. Let's Catch up. 

I started school last week. Oh my god, what have I done? Last week was mostly orientation plus homework assignments, but I met my cohort and my main professor and it was all just a really good experience. I was stoked. And I absolutely loved my homework -- so far, it's basically reading I would do for pleasure. But this week was our first official class and I kind of wanted to kill myself or someone else. Too many reasons to go into. Frick. 

I hurt my back on Sunday. Double frick. This happens every few years - I put my back out and I can't ever really understand how or why. It takes almost a week of painkillers and nothing but sleep to go back to normal. This time it's not quite as bad, so I've just cut out all jogging and surfing this week and moved around real slow, but that's not really doing the trick. So I got the painkillers today and I guess I'll add those to the mix. It's from stress, I know it is, but I would like it to go away. Now. Please. 

I got a job. I know. That didn't take long at all! Remember how I needed one last Shitty Banking Job to get me through school so I can leave the industry once and for all and become a teacher? Well, I got what looks to be a pretty good Shitty Banking Job. We'll see. I start on the 13th, it's a mile or so from my house, and I can wear casual clothes. (See what's important to me now?) My schedule is swing, Sun - Thurs, so that's really different, but maybe I can surf on Fridays? I manage a small group and that's probably all I'll get to say about that. Please sacrifice a goat or throw a virgin into the volcano or whatever. It's going to be a TRANSITION.

About a year and a half ago when I moved back to Portland and tried online dating the first time, I met a great guy who I would have liked to date, but he wasn't from the area and I don't do long-distance relationships. We kept in regular touch, and he finally wore me down (that's bait, btw; he's not supposed to be reading) and I let him come up to visit about a month ago. We had a really great time, and he arrives tomorrow for a second visit. Don't go apeshit or anything because I still don't do long-distance relationships, and nobody's moving, but he seems like a great guy. He's 6'3", very smart, has a nerdy job in a good field, divorced with small kiddos, and is from the Hunting.ton Bea.ch area. Also, 6'3." I'm excited for his visit. I hope we have another fun weekend. 

Ch-ch-ch-changes. It's all a little way too much right now. I'd like to surf really bad and let the water take all the jumbled parts and help them settle where they belong. Soon, I hope. I want that to happen soon.