Navigating

I'm still finding my way. I've wanted to blog more, little stories here and there, but time seems to be the thing I have the least of these days. To an extreme. Or maybe that's sleep. Either way, I'm hopeful that I'm working it out, whether or not I see much evidence of that. I just feel like I must be.

Work is good. I really like the people, and I don't actually like people very often. A sharp, young coworker of mine who sits in the cube across from me enjoys watching me unwrap my crumpled peanut butter-on-Dave's Bread sandwich every day, to which she dryly says, "I see you cooked." I had my first staff meeting yesterday, and afterwards two of my peeps went to my boss and said that they love me. Now, relax. I didn't fall off the turnip truck yesterday. I know it's a matter of time before those exact employees hate me, but it felt good and I took a few moments to enjoy it.

School is a complete mystery. It's good, bad, fun, a drag . . . I have no idea. I am, however, going to be half-way done with my first year before I know it. Crazy. Time is a thief. I am still figuring school out, too.

I will hear next week if I get chosen to be on the jury of a special trial set to last 4 to 5 weeks. I know. All the potential jurors went last Friday to fill out questionnaires and get the basics, and it sounds horrific. I wrote a letter basically begging to not be chosen. I feel a degree of guilt about requesting to be excused, but I really, really don't think that would be good for me right now. But what do I know about what is good for me. I'm waiting to see what happens.

I want to surf so bad. A few weeks ago I was in an HR class at work (with all managers) and we went around in a circle answering a question that was written on the board as an ice-breaker. It said, "Money, time, and responsibility aside, I'd rather be doing __________ ." It took me one second to answer that question. I'd rather be surfing. Then and now. I'd rather be surfing. It made me happy because at the time I'd surfed about 3 days earlier and I thought, I'm basically living my "If you won the lottery . . . " question. Perhaps not exactly, but closer than ever before.

I feel like some of that has gotten lost in the last three weeks between late nights, lunch-hour meetings, production reports, PTO calculations, lesson plans and learning theories, and just plain old exhaustion. But I feel determined - determined - to get it back. The first place I'm going to look for it is at the track where I run tomorrow. I have a good feeling I might find something important there.

Regress

Did I say progress? I guess the process of finding balance involves a little wobbling back and forth. I've felt overwhelmed, exhausted, alone, and pretty lost most of this week.

I did have dinner delivered on Thursday from Dinner at Your Door, courtesy of Groupon. Highly recommended -- this was chicken with brown rice and apple compote, and spiced squash. It came with a gorgeous green salad with Parmesan cheese and tomatoes, and oatmeal raisin cookies. They bring dinner for two, but I've had three meals out of it so far, and there's at least enough for two more full meals. The deal was for deliveries two weeks in a row, so I'll get another dinner next Thursday.

The other pic is my usual dinner. And sometimes lunch. And sometimes breakfast. Peanut butter on Dave's bread. Delicious and easy, but it's getting a little old. I admit it.

I haven't had a run since Monday, so I'm going to take a break from homework and go brave the rain to get one in. I start my new schedule tomorrow -- Sunday through Thursday, noon to 9:00 PM. I know it will be another transition, but I hope I can adjust pretty quickly. I'm not sure what to do but hold on and keep trying to figure it out. It's been four weeks on the job and six weeks since the beginning of school. I just need a bit of a routine, a few hours a week to laugh with friends, some consistent sleep. I'm going to believe that's all coming.

Progress

Gosh. I finished formal training last week and got an actual desk in an actual cube at work. Things have started to feel like they are coming together, or like they will come together soon, or like maybe they could possibly come together someday. In theory. So that's positive.

I'm not actually doing the specific work associated with my role yet, I'm just dealing with loads of HR stuff, but so far things are going pretty well. Good people, good organization. My paycheck last Friday was a little shocking. Mon dieu! I'm going to take a look at a one bedroom apartment (I have a 2 bed/2 bath right now, which I adore) in my complex and just see if it's even fathomable. I'm not sure where the surfboard goes if I have to give up the garage, but I'm just going to look. We're causal in my office, and I have to say: wearing casual clothes every day is too awesome. I'm all over khakis and polos. And commuting 10 minutes is so great. There's a real pull to stay late and take on little extras . . . but I'm trying to keep it balanced.

School is helping me keep work balanced because it takes up so much damn time and energy. I'm finding taking time to run twice a week, which needs to be three times at least, but other than that, it's all work and homework. No socializing. No Glee. No blogging. No talking on the phone. No anything other than work and homework. To the extreme. I think that might ease up in a few weeks, but I'm not sure. I hope.

A week or so ago we started a new class and the prof had us go around and introduce ourselves and say how we were enjoying the program so far. I decided to put it out there and was honest about not loving the program and really struggling with wondering if I should keep going or not. Well. ALL HELL broke loose at that point and we spent the next couple hours debating, yelling, kicking, screaming.

School has been much better since that day. At first when ALL HELL broke loose, I thought, "Well, there it is. There's the proof that this isn't a good fit for me." But oddly enough, it was a turning point for me in a good way. I think that was the point at which I stopped being what I thought the group wanted me to be and the real me started showing up. And the real me has been going to class ever since. Sometimes it's a little awkward during class discussions because I don't say the perfect thing or agree with the rest of the nodding heads, but in general it's going much better now. I'm one person - at work, at school, when I'm surfing, when I'm running. It's just me.

In the current class, I team-teach a 20-minute segment of class every Wednesday. My first week went better than I could have imagined and really reaffirmed my desire to teach -- something I was not expecting from the experience. I hope tomorrow goes well, too. I really need that encouragement after a long week of doing homework on my breaks at work and staying up late (um, 4:30 AM last Saturday?) writing crappy papers.

I did blow off my first teaching conference last Saturday to spend a perfect, sunny day at the coast surfing. I can't wait to tell you guys about it.