Saturday, January 29, 2011

Homeward Bound

I went running tonight for the first time in almost three weeks. It's crazy that I've let it go that long. The first quarter mile was ridiculous and I thought I'd have to stop, but I ended up making it my full three miles.

I hate that I've let myself go this winter, but I have. I've been taking care of other people and not taking care of myself. I eat food that is shit, and mentally there is no connection between what I put in my mouth and the consequences of putting it there. I don't drink much water and I'm not taking my vitamins. I work long hours and I focus on achieving externally. It kills me to admit that because I've spent the past two years undoing a lifetime of external achievement and the ways it has poisoned my brain. But all of this is true.

I've gained about 13ish pounds since I was at a good weight in the fall, and I can't believe how 13 extra pounds feels on my body this time around. It's harder to move. The weight gets in the way. 13 pounds in an entire clothes size. I hate leafing through clothes in my closet every morning wondering what I can wear. The extra weight is making me feel self-conscious lately. Moving through life and not being overly conscious of your body and how it might look to other people or how it might interfere with something you want to do is a gift. And I miss it.

Lack of exercise these last few weeks and even months has done more damage than adding weight to my frame. My mind is fuzzy, bogged down, dark. I haven't had a regular infusion of fresh air since I don't know when. The only fresh air I breathe is running from my car to the office and back to my car twelve hours later. My body aches - it truly aches - to move. It hurts. My body hurts in ten places right now from lack of moving. Other people mention getting exercise and I feel resentful. "It must be nice to not have responsibilities" I think. What am I doing?

I miss listening to music, which I almost only make time to do when I'm running. Listening to my special mix of tunes does something inside of me that only music can do. I miss being physically exhausted. I've thought that I've been physically exhausted these past few months, but that's been mental and emotional exhaustion, and I haven't been present enough to tell the difference. What am I doing?

What I'm not doing is surfing. I haven't surfed since December 5th. I haven't surfed much at all since the summer. I just counted -- I surfed twice in September, twice in October, and once in December. That kills me. But it makes sense that I've been disconnected from exercise because I started running and doing yoga - my god, I miss yoga - so I could lose weight so I could surf better. Any exercise I've done these last two years has been a meditation of surfing.

The last time Jules and I went out I told her that I felt like I was losing what surfing had given me. I touched my chest, my heart, when I said it. I felt like I was losing what surfing had given me inside. I think I felt that way at the time because it had been so long and because life was beating me up a bit. I still feel that way.

How do I get back to myself? My body is my home. I love my body; it's been so good to me. I despise external achievement at the cost of internal peace. I'm acting in a way that I don't even believe. Maybe some of it is winter. The season, the metaphor. Whatever it is, whatever is going on, I've been here before. And I guess I know what to do.

I'm going to find my compass, my north star, and follow it home.


  1. I'd blame it on winter. The only constant in life anyway, is change. If you have an ipod touch or iphone, the loseit app is great. Alternatively, it's on the internet at No, I do not get paid for this, but it helped me take control over my body.

  2. Try to be gentle with yourself, dude. Life is a series of cycles, and you will always come back around.

    I think of you when ever I see someone surfing on TV, which is all the time since I started watching Hawaii 5-0.

  3. Oh my friend, I feel so deeply for you in this struggle. It's so hard to find balance, to choose yourself- especially when those you love are going through a rough time. I've been there. And the more I chose forgetting my self-care in the name of showing up for others or doing a job 110%, the less I had to actually give- to the loved ones, to the job and especially to myself. Maybe this is some ACOA stuff playing out? The giving and giving but not to ourselves? Like somehow that makes us a better person but we usually just resent it and feel like shit (I did).

    You've had a lot on your plate this past year especially so it's no wonder this struggle would arise. But know that you can and will find a way to your best self again. YOU WILL. Because you love yourself. Because you want happiness. Because you've tasted it and want it back.

    I have to remind myself that I am no good to anyone if I don't care for me first. I have to tell myself that daily when I choose yoga class over making dinner for Mr. D or Nia class over happy hour with friends or extra sleep to sit on my meditation pillow and get to my own heart.

    Choose you. The rest comes.

    I love you and am rooting for you. xo

  4. I tried to go surfing today. Checked spots between PC and Nelscott. Lots of surf, but nothing ridable. But still. The beach.

  5. It's so hard to stay focused when everything around is chaotic. That's part of why I gained so much weight after moving here (not all but it did help, finding out how cheap cake mix at Target wasn't my best move either).

    This year I'm (trying) to focus on getting it off and just being healthier. Right now I am so uncomfortable with myself, so self conscious.

    I know you can do anything you set your mind to so I have 100% faith in you achieving everything you want to achieve.

    And besides SOMEONE needs to drag Vahid surfing this year (he's getting altogether too pouty about not going).

    I also know that in about six weeks you will truly find that inner peace that surfing gave you. (and you will look so awesome doing it!)

  6. The North Star and a compass are good things to keep handy.

  7. Follow the boardwalk (ha! a pun -board-walk ...) anyway, follow the boardwalk, you will find you :)
    You're still on the right path. Trust me, you are right where you need to be, learning what you need to learn.

  8. Gentle self-loving, my friend. You'll find your way back to center. Just please be nice to LSL while she's doing so, mmkay?