Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Class Dismissed

What a clusterfuck the last week has been. School started last Wednesday after a tiny little (3 week) summer "break". I was dreading being back, and not even sure I could handle the 4 hours of lecture on the first night.

It was really fun to see my peeps - this crazy group has become a family to me. We all hugged and chatted about what we'd been up to since our last class in the beginning of August. One of my classmates even had a gift for me: he painted a small picture of a woman surfing at the coast. Isn't that incredible? Another classmate admired my bag (which was one I had made), so I offered to make him a bag or a padded sleeve for his laptop, just for fun. Well, who knew, but he said that he makes knit caps and beanies, and offered to make one for me in return. So cool. I can totally use that when I surf in the winter -- having something to put on my head while I'm messing around putting my board on my car and stuff. I really love this group.

We settled in and our Advisor began the lecture, and I was sitting there wondering if I should shove my pencil in my eye . . . until about 10 minutes into the lesson. And then - and no one is more surprised than I am to say this - it all came back: the excitement of learning, the hunger to understand, the desire to grow, the love of the material, everything. I love learning to be a teacher, and I love preparing to teach kids.

Let's fast forward because I can't handle the build up, and I've already gone through the whole damn thing.

Because of finances, I made the decision to withdrawal from school two days later. It SUCKS. I hate it. There were meetings and conference calls with Financial Aid and budgeting and a lot of tears. The school was willing to really work with me, but in the end: the economy is in the shitter, I love my job, and it's just not the right time for me to abandon a good job to start student teaching in the hopes I will be able to someday find a teaching job. Super tough, but it's the right decision.

Monday morning I walk into work wondering when and how I should tell them, and instead get whisked into a meeting and informed they're cutting our department by half. Who and when? We don't know. Oh no they didn't. 

So I just feel emotional and exhausted and like I'm on motherfucking candid camera. Honestly, and this is hard for me to admit, postponing school is the right thing to do. But, really? The job news on the heels of that decision? Did that need to happen?

I sent my classmates a note letting them know why I won't be in class tomorrow, and I've been receiving lovely, loving responses back all day. It's been really nice.

So one chapter ends and another one begins. I don't know; maybe my job will hold on, and maybe good things will come. I can do this, I know I can.


  1. I'm really sorry that you feel forced to give the teaching up for now. I wish I was in a position to help. I have a friend in Brooklyn who came very close to doing the same last week.

    If there is a crumb of comfort to be retrieved from this it's that you rediscovered your enthusiasm before leaving, that you still believe in the dream. I know it might sound perverse to say that, but I'm glad you didn't abandon your dream because you'd lost interest.

  2. Good things WILL come. I believe this for you. I also feel your pain. I lived on rice alone when I was student teaching.

    In Maine we have a program for teachers who are working at the same time, it is a condensed program that allows you to do your student teaching in a shorter time period. Maybe Oregon has one too? (You're in Oregon, right?)

  3. Well FUCK about the job news. Can't the Universe give you a break?? As right as the choice was to postpone school, I know it was hard to make. I'm rooting for you.

  4. I believe that the Universe is pretty persistent about letting us know what we should be doing. And generally, when I don't know what to do, I do nothing, and know that the path will become clear to me. It always does.
    I love you and have faith in you. You are amazing.

  5. What a roller coaster!

    1. This contradicts my plan for your life.
    2. If the job news had come first, would the decision be the same? (rhetorical question, ponder on your own)
    3. If you move slightly to the side and squint your eyes like this, it almost looks like the Universe gave you an answer.
    4. Does it feel like I'm armchair quarterbacking your life? (also rhetorical)

    Can't wait for dinner. :-)

  6. School finances are bastards. I am totally feeling that right now, I just got my bill for tuition.

    I can't imagine how tough the decision to leave was but I know that you don't do these kinds of things flippantly so I'm sure you made the best decision you could have.

    I'm always rooting for you :)

  7. You can.
    You have.
    You will.

    Damn tho.
    Shedding a few for you here in little ol Hometown. Seriously tho?


  8. Thinking of you, friend, and very much looking forward to seeing your face over drinks soon and very soon, so we can tell stories and commiserate and laugh about how ridiculously ridiculous this life can sometimes be while simultaneously being ridiculously beautiful in so many unexpected ways.