I Think I Can, I Think I Can

So just to review, I quit school to focus on my job until the economy gets better, and as soon as I did that (like, literally while I was withdrawing from school) I received news that my job appears to be ending.

That was a rough week.

And then this happened: I received my lease renewal notice last Monday. Of course, I knew this was coming and had already made plans in my budget to handle two possible rent increases. One estimated increase was big but realistic, and the other possible increase was if my landlords wanted to be total a-holes. But moving is expensive, so I made plans to accommodate either. And then you know what happens next. The increase was exactly twice my high estimate, which puts the new rent for my two-bedroom apartment at almost $1300/month. Srsly.

So now I'm moving. Because everything else in my life is really stable, so why not move? I've been looking at apartments all week on my lunch hour and all day yesterday and today on my weekend. Such a stinky pastime. Why is every apartment manager a snotty 13-year old girl? And please, the next time you are looking to move, do yourself a favor and avoid online reviews of all apartment buildings. The last review I looked at encouraged cross-referencing the county homicide map with the complex. I couldn't resist, and sure enough - murder she wrote, right there in that very building.

I guess I had an outdated idea of what normal rental rates are because everything in my goal range has been kind of skeevy, and I can do a lot of things, but skeevy isn't one of them. So then I decided to try for a one-bedroom instead of a two, but I pretty much abandoned that today. I have a lot of stuff plus a 10' surfboard. A one-bedroom place isn't going to cut it.

I'm going to look at one more place tomorrow and then try really hard to just pick from what I've seen. It's only been a week, but I'm tired of the process and I want to make a decision so I can put this behind me. I hope that's the right thing to do. I can make just about any non-skeevy space comfortable and sunny and feel like home.

The whole school/work/apartment thing has sucked some ass; I'm not going to lie. But here are some good things:

• I went to acupuncture, glorious acupuncture, today for the 2nd week in a row. I haven't done that since before school started - over a year ago. 
• It's really, really, really nice to not do homework before work, after work, on my lunch hour, and all weekend long. I love not doing homework.
• I used to go to yoga. Remember? That's another thing I haven't done even once since school started a year ago. It hit me today that I can do that again if I want. And I think I do.
• I've been reading. Books and stuff. Did you know they make books that aren't about the cognitive development of middle schoolers? Me neither.
• I'm running 3 or so times a week, which feels really good. I've lost a couple ounces. That can't be bad.
• I enjoyed the hell out of that three-week summer we had. I mean, Hawaii. And all those days by the pool. And a few weeks ago I went to a party with new friends and had a total blast. So there's that. 
• The apartment thing kind of effed this up, but I'm going to get to go up to Seattle to see friends at some point soon. I haven't been able to do that for ages. Why? You guessed it. School. 
• I put a few things up in my Etsy shop. Guess why? That's right. Because I had time. (Those pictures are horrible. I haven't had *that* much time.)
• Remember all that fun I had dating last summer? Conceivably, if I could get my act (and my ass) together, I would have time to do that again. That's a goal of mine for relatively soon. 

I feel off-kilter and wonky and, I'm not going to lie, a bit depressed. But, I don't know, some good things have happened, and more good things are probably in store. It helps to remember that.

Surfing in Oregon

It was supposed to be about 5' with 10 mph winds, and I guess it was, but you couldn't really tell what was going on because it was so rainy and crappy. My plan on Saturday was to get up early and go for a little surfy surf, and to spend the time on the outside working on dropping in because I'm a big girl like that since my Hawaii trip. But there hardly was an outside - the entire ocean looked like swirly whitecap soup, and the waves were rolling in every direction with about 2-3 seconds in between them. Total crap.

Naturally there wasn't a person in the water when I pulled up. I looked at the ocean long and hard; there was a long line of surfers all doing the same - we were up in the parking lot looking down on the cove. I haven't seen water like that since the middle of winter. It was pretty bad. I started weighing the frustration of turning around and driving home without so much as putting a toe in, versus the frustration of suiting up and sloshing around for a couple of hours and then driving home without having gotten anything. Ultimately, I decided that I had to try.

The last time I was in the water was in Hawaii. There the process went like this: grab a board, walk across the street, walk into the water, jump on your board and paddle. Here in Oregon, for me, surfing is this whole ritual. I load up my car the night before. I get up early, grab some food, and head out. It's an hour and a half drive (and it really is, now that I'm not speeding anymore) listening to mellow music, thinking about life, wondering how the session will go. I get to the cove and make the final decision. Then it's this long suiting up process - an extra layer underneath, stretching neoprene around every curve and angle, hair in three rubber bands. Especially that part - when I sit on the back of my CR-V in my bathing suit in the chilly wind and see people walk by in full winter gear, and I start to pull my wetsuit over my toes and up my calves, it feels so much like a meditation. There's some kind of wicked muscle memory there or something because every time I do that I drift away and go to my happy place. Or maybe I'm physically at my happy place, so the feeling is just a byproduct of being really alive and grateful.

Then it's board on head, and down the trail, and stash the backpack, and check the wax, and leash on ankle, and wade out into the water to see what happens next. I love every part of it. Yes, I can surf until I'm tired in Hawaii or Costa Rica in the time it takes me to just get to the ocean here. But I love surfing in Oregon.

While suiting up, a class of beginners went out, and I was glad because it's never good to be in the water alone, and no one who knew better would be going out that day. I thought I would be irritated by the temperature -- I got so cold last fall and winter, and I never use a hood -- but I did ok, even with the wind. There was a strong pull north, and I spent most of the time fighting to keep from drifting, or just trying to stand. But I got a couple of rides in, one pretty good one in particular, and that felt great.

It was such crap out there, but I was really happy to be in it. In the end, I decided what I always do - that I needed just one more good ride before I could leave. And then I spent the next 45 minutes moving around the cove looking for anything rideable that could qualify -- at one point I even just lay down on my board pointing toward the shore waiting for a gust of wind to push me in. But it didn't happen.

Eventually I got my wave, and it was white (they all were), but it was enough to give me a nice, long ride - my best of the day. I made my move, stood up, realized it was going to be a good one, and slowly put my arms up in the air in victory. Then I stood up straight so I wouldn't curve left so hard, took a few baby steps further forward and left the weight on my front foot (the "gas"), and looked up at the sky and trees and felt grateful. When it started to slow down and pumping didn't help, I fell backwards and grabbed at the leash on my ankle in one motion. "Good enough for me" I said out loud.

It was a really wonderful, crappy day surfing.

Class Dismissed

What a clusterfuck the last week has been. School started last Wednesday after a tiny little (3 week) summer "break". I was dreading being back, and not even sure I could handle the 4 hours of lecture on the first night.

It was really fun to see my peeps - this crazy group has become a family to me. We all hugged and chatted about what we'd been up to since our last class in the beginning of August. One of my classmates even had a gift for me: he painted a small picture of a woman surfing at the coast. Isn't that incredible? Another classmate admired my bag (which was one I had made), so I offered to make him a bag or a padded sleeve for his laptop, just for fun. Well, who knew, but he said that he makes knit caps and beanies, and offered to make one for me in return. So cool. I can totally use that when I surf in the winter -- having something to put on my head while I'm messing around putting my board on my car and stuff. I really love this group.

We settled in and our Advisor began the lecture, and I was sitting there wondering if I should shove my pencil in my eye . . . until about 10 minutes into the lesson. And then - and no one is more surprised than I am to say this - it all came back: the excitement of learning, the hunger to understand, the desire to grow, the love of the material, everything. I love learning to be a teacher, and I love preparing to teach kids.

Let's fast forward because I can't handle the build up, and I've already gone through the whole damn thing.

Because of finances, I made the decision to withdrawal from school two days later. It SUCKS. I hate it. There were meetings and conference calls with Financial Aid and budgeting and a lot of tears. The school was willing to really work with me, but in the end: the economy is in the shitter, I love my job, and it's just not the right time for me to abandon a good job to start student teaching in the hopes I will be able to someday find a teaching job. Super tough, but it's the right decision.

Monday morning I walk into work wondering when and how I should tell them, and instead get whisked into a meeting and informed they're cutting our department by half. Who and when? We don't know. Oh no they didn't. 

So I just feel emotional and exhausted and like I'm on motherfucking candid camera. Honestly, and this is hard for me to admit, postponing school is the right thing to do. But, really? The job news on the heels of that decision? Did that need to happen?

I sent my classmates a note letting them know why I won't be in class tomorrow, and I've been receiving lovely, loving responses back all day. It's been really nice.

So one chapter ends and another one begins. I don't know; maybe my job will hold on, and maybe good things will come. I can do this, I know I can.

A Start

I want to write about my time surfing in Hawaii before it fades from memory. I went out immediately upon arrival - dropped my things in my hotel room and rented a board to paddle out at Waikiki (across the street from where we were staying). It was a really small day, like 1-2', and it was packed. I did some good paddling and went for a couple of waves, but not much was going on. Or I should say, not much was going on for me. Some people have the muscles to do something with 1-2'. I do not.

I felt discouraged immediately because of the crowds, but more than that, the reef. We're blessed with a soft, sandy ocean floor here in Oregon, and the sharp, ubiquitous rocks and reef that surround the island make it hard for a beginner to play around with confidence. Luckily, I have no shame and no ego around my surfing (I think that's what happens when it takes you 9 months to stand up), so right away I decided to book a couple of private lessons. I wanted to really enjoy some water time.

I went with a school that taught at a break right there at Waikiki (although away from the crowds) so I could minimize travel time. I called the school and just said - hey, I'm not a total beginner, but almost, and they set up me up with Ray, 38, from Rockaway Beach, NY. Let me tell you - the surf gods were watching over me that day because Ray was a rock star. And we had a blast.

If the Sky That We Look Upon Shall Tumble and Fall

This song is overdone for me, but I found this version incredibly moving - today more than ever.


Playing For Change: Song Around the World "Stand By Me" from Playing For Change on Vimeo.

Details

I feel like writing about mundane stuff right now. I read a book, I watched a movie, I went to a show. I don't know if I'm trying to capture the little things that make up my life, or if there's something to it that helps me keep the bigger things at bay. The bigger things are questions without answers, but these individual components are ordered, specific, measurable.

• I'm trying to get through movies that buddies at work are assigning me because they're aghast that I haven't seen things like Kill Bill or The Big Lebowski. This brought to you by the same gentlemen that suggested Fight Club. (Please.) I say they get one more chance, and then I'm back to watching Parenthood and Step Into Liquid over and over.

• I went to see Hall & Oates at a charity benefit the other night. I was a mild fan in the 80's, and the setting for the show was fairly intimate, so I thought I might have fun. I did - it was a great time; such beautiful voices and such an iconic sound. My favorites are Wait for Me, Rich Girl, Family Man, and Say It Isn't So, but I recognized and enjoyed almost every song. It's all so 70's and 80's. Also, Everybody's high on consolation? Swoon.

• I met a friend at the Farmer's Market on Saturday, which was such a pleasure. Yummy tamales, fresh veggies, Ruby Jewel ice cream sandwiches - all outdoors, sitting in the sun. It's the first time I've been to the market this year, I'm ashamed to say. I'll be back soon.

• Google tells me that today would have been Freddie Mercury's 65th birthday. He's a hero of mine, and I love any reason to put on my favorites (including Somebody to Love and Save Me). What a talent. 

• I dusted off the sewing machine finally this weekend and made a cute little messenger bag complete with a flap and everything. I need some webbing for the shoulder strap and then I'm done. I'll post a picture when I finish. 

• I've spent a ton of time lately napping by the pool or doing lazy laps. The sun and I get along very well.

I'm also reading for the first time in forever. It feels so good. I'm currently working through West of Jesus by Kotler, which I've been eyeing for some time, but I've avoided because it has the word "Jesus" in the title and I have no interest in crazy. Some review or something finally convinced me that I do not think that word means what I think it means (get it?). Either that, or I just got really desperate for another great surf book.

Well, this is one great surf book. Right now he's trying to describe how surfing is just different, and he says that in a recent Australian census, 70k people listed their religion as Jedi. And how, when he was trying to figure out how to ride a tube, an experience he likens to walking on the moon, a friend gave him the Yoda-esque advice: "Do or do not. There is no try." He says, "And, perhaps stranger still, not thirty seconds after I had been told to do or don't do, I did."

That means so much to me. The book is totally capturing the mystic/voodoo/unexplainable part of surfing that I love. And the author's experience of improving not through skill alone but through the shedding of resistance is something I can relate to and that is helping me believe that maybe I can continue to improve as well. It feels great.

Band of Brothers

I bet it's something about getting older, but I have been really getting into history in the last year or so. And perhaps you'll understand how little I know about it by the use of the phrase "really getting into history". I had a big credit at Amazon, so I purchased a ton of books and some DVDs, and I just finished the DVD series Band of Brothers. Now, the Google tells me this originally aired in autumn 2001, so that means I'm exactly ten years behind. That sounds about right.

I have loved this series. Loved it. I'm just starting the special extra whatevers that come with DVDs, and I bawled through the interview portion tonight. It's so fantastic. I think there must be something about brain development that allows for me to understand the context of events when I never was able to before. I don't know; I couldn't be bothered with trying to figure it out until now. Maybe the magic ingredient is just aging.

I have a hard time finding two hours in a month for television, so this has been an unexpected indulgence. I ordered The Pacific and a few Stephen Ambrose books to get started on next. 

If you've been living under a rock for the past ten years as I have, quick trailer here. (And now to lose any credibility I may have had: Ladies, Berger from Sex & the City is in it!)