Wanderlust

Lately I've been having dreams about traveling. Before my grandmother died, it was nearly constant - almost nightly. And when I wasn't asleep and dreaming, I was awake and daydreaming. In the past few days, it's picking up again. It's always the same type of scene - me, alone, walking around in a brand new city, and the feeling or sense that I have in the dream is one of total connection with myself, excitement, peace.

The scene is always something from a trip I took to Europe in 2007. (Gawd, I blogged about it here, and before and after.)

Here I am at Wawel Castle in Krakow, Poland, freezing my buns off. That entire trip was a dream. And I've been craving the part of travel where I'm alone in a new place and I don't speak the language and I'm a bit lost and I am totally and completely at home with myself. I'm forced to be. The relative silence of being away from the familiar for a few weeks puts me in the company of myself and my thoughts, and settles me in ways I can't seem to make happen when I'm deep in my daily routines here at home. I am craving: being unsettled, unsure, unable to sleepwalk through my days.

In all these dreams, I just keep seeing myself walking down narrow, curved, foreign streets. I wake up feeling good, like just as I round the next corner, I'm going to find something important that I've misplaced. I'd pretty much figured that from here on out all of my vacations would be surf vacations. But I'm not sure this is something that can be satisfied with being in once place - even a beautiful place. For now I guess I'll keep dreaming mysterious dreams and try to pay attention to where they lead me.

At Least I Got Wet

I went surfing today. I was too tired, really, but I know that my chances to get out are numbered as we head into winter. The conditions were supposed to be beautiful, about 6' with low wind, so I made myself go even though I wasn't sure I was up for it.

It turned out to be 6' with swells up to about 8', and it really was nice out. It wasn't very cold, although the waves had a bit of a bite to them and there was a pretty strong rip. You can tell it's autumn.

I did ok - I find I'm so lost when I go out lately. I'm not really charging with my front foot, so I end up in this shallow stance (feet close together) on the board when I get up, and then I shuffle my feet around trying to balance. It's pretty weird. I'm just working it out - it's what I've always done when I'm not surfing regularly - but it's irritating. I got a bunch of rides today, but nothing smooth or long. And one washing machine-type wipe out. I'm mostly hopping around on the board for a while and then falling backwards. Not exactly refreshing or restorative.

I got caught in a little rip today. Another guy did as well. He was taken out about 10 yards past where he wanted to go, I think, and I was being pulled out as well, but not as far. I kept my eyes on him to see if he was ok, but then decided to worry about my own self. That was a good idea, because I was starting to panic just a bit, and just pausing and refocusing on myself helped me to relax and go with the flow. I was back on track in no time - the ocean was just sucking up a lot of water to make a big, huge wave - but it did get my heart racing and convinced me that it was time to hang it up.

I missed Jules' instruction and companionship today. I thought about Ray from Hawaii, too, and still am resolved to finish writing about my lessons there. I'm talking with a friend that I met this year in Costa Rica about going back together next year - isn't that fun? But I learned more in two days with Ray than I did in over a week in CR. (I also think it would be fun to do a school in a brand new country - Nicaragua, maybe?) I'm resolved to go back to learn from Ray at some point. I definitely feel in a funk with my surfing; I'm just not getting better and not really seeing how I'm going to with how infrequent my sessions are.

But. It felt really good to walk into the water today and get on the board and give it a go. There's really nothing like it. So I'm going to keep trying. 

And Now You're Up To Date

• I went to see Moneyball the other night - what a great movie. Besides that it was a great story and the acting was very good, I appreciated seeing Brad Pitt aging somewhat normally. He must be around my age, and he has lots of wrinkles and was using reading glasses. (Or his character was - but he looked like he's getting up there.) I don't keep up on many celebrities, but they all seem to look 21. Even when they're 60. Great experience seeing the show. I might just see it again. 
• I have a couple of free tickets on SW Air that I need to use up. I'm thinking it would be neat to go to NYC and attend a Moth Slam. 
• I'm in the second week of a six-week online class taught by Brene Brown and based on her research around shame and vulnerability. It's fantastic. (You probably know and love her from her TED Talk.)
• I've been keeping up with my jogging, which has been really good, but I am developing some issues with my gluteus medius and iliotibial band. (I've probably brought this on myself by running around a track all this time.) Therefore . . .
• I went to yoga yesterday. Wow! It felt great - I haven't been in exactly a year (since I started my job). Today I am sore in all the right places. In addition to hip openers, we worked on our shoulders. What in the name of all that is holy is the dolphin? Seemed mellow enough at the time. I woke up this morning feeling like I'd surfed for about 20 hours yesterday. My paddle muscles are screaming. 
• I'm also back to acupuncture for the first time since I started my job a year ago. I've only gone twice, but I'm back in love with it. What's better than acupuncture? Not much. 
• I've decided to stay put in my apartment. To say that it's not the right time for me to move is an understatement. That will be a tear-stained check that I write out for rent every month, but I am very grateful to be still in my cozy place. 
• On Wednesday I made 6 loaves of tuna salad sandwiches for the homeless center I was volunteering at last spring. I am not finding the time to volunteer there, so I asked to be added to team that provides the meals. It took about four hours start-to-finish, and I was reminded how much I hate tuna. But I set up my MacBook and played through a ton of podcasts and really enjoyed the afternoon. My turn on the rotation doesn't come around for another couple of months, so maybe the smell will be out of my nose by that point. 
• By the way, this Moth podcast totally captivated me -- it felt so close to my own story of changing direction in my career and learning to surf. I love this one.
• After yoga last night, I had an impromptu dinner with friend Kerri Anne. I was: sweaty, stinky, sloppy, tired, weepy, worn out, worn down, and used up. What a gift to be able to show that side of yourself to a friend and have it be ok. We had a really nice time catching up.
• Last Friday night I had dinner with a friend from my school program (the one I'm no longer in) and his partner. It was really great to see this buddy again - he was one of my favorite classmates. I asked all about school and his student teaching experience, and as I listened to how he's doing, I became more and more grateful that I'm not in school right now. My god, his schedule. I told him how proud I am that he's sticking it out, and that he'll be so happy that he is powering through, and that's all true. But I am feeling more and more happy that I am not. It's not right for me right now. Yoga and movies and running and acupuncture and sleeping in and dinner with friends. That's what I need right now. I'm very grateful for what I have.

Some Poems Are Never Finished

My grandmother died on Monday. I don't know what to say - it happened very quickly. We are devastated. I have been beside myself with sadness all week. She was my last living grandparent, a miracle of a person, really, and I loved her so much.

I wrote my grandparents a letter, usually handwritten, every week for the last fifteen-plus years. I missed weeks when I got really busy, but I never let it go too long. I sent one last Friday morning before I knew she was sick, but it was probably still on its way to her when she passed away. 

I haven't really begun to find the words to describe my grief. But this blog has become a record of all of the important events in my life, and I wanted to mention my love for her and the loss I'm feeling.

(Post title is from Jayne Cortez.)

Dropping In

I got up early today and made it to the coast by 9:00 for a little surfy surf. It was so beautiful when I arrived. It's crazy how you never know - last time (and, hey, I still had fun) the waves were rolling sideways and backwards, and it took all my energy just to stand in the water. This time the waves were rolling in perfect lines, 4-5'; the intervals were short, but there was almost no wind to speak of. There were about 6 or 7 guys in the water when I arrived, but there were enough little breaks in the cove that we almost each could have had our own peak. 

My wetsuit is pretty thin (4/3? 3/2?), and my gloves are just 1.5 mm, so I was pretty worried about being cold. (Actually, I don't mind being cold at all. I just didn't want to be miserable.) It turned out to be great - water temp was about 57º - it was refreshing. No ice cream headache at all.

I'm exhausted lately - all the drama with school, work, and the apartment has taken a toll. I'm being faithful with my runs (5k about 3 times a week, sometimes 4) but that's about all I'm doing. Even though the water was beautifully gentle, I was moving slow and only stayed out for about 2 hours. I never really felt totally centered - I had a couple of long rides, but I was super fidgety and noticed I was walking around on the board the whole time, and looking at the deck instead of head/heart up.

Still, the low wind and absence of current in the water convinced me to go outside, which I've done at least a half-dozen or dozen times in lessons, but I don't think I've ever done that by myself. And more than the conditions, there was a little peak at the north end of the cove that I had to myself so I didn't have to worry about being in anyone's way, which is really what keeps me from practicing on the outside most of the time. I paddled out (even though you can almost walk it here) and was freaking exhausted paddling through the calmish 5' sets 15 yards to the outside. Lame. But I did it a few times and went for a few "real" waves and caught two. One I kind of crashed on, and one I did pretty good on. I don't pop early enough, so I end up starting to ride down the drop on my belly, but I do get up before it breaks (I think) and, well, it's progress. That's a big deal for me.

Other than that, I just rode a lot of whitewater, worked on standing up straight, thought about life, and just kind of meditated the whole time. I loved - looooooved - being in the water again after . . . my god, it's only been two weeks. It felt flowly and slow-motion and cushiony and comforting. I planned on putting my board up when I got tired and just swimming for a while. But, as usual, I couldn't force myself to get out of the water until I'd used up every ounce of energy, and wasn't even sure how I'd hoof my board back up to the parking lot. So when I was done, I was done.

I thought about Jules today. And my job. I thought about control - how surfing requires you give up every single thing you think you know. What else is like that? I thought about the reasons I came to surfing in the first place. And I thought about being 40: this weird time in life when I guess you realize you didn't grow up to be a rock star/professional basketball player/super model. I remember having lunch with a great coworker in NY several years ago, and he was telling me about a conversation he had with his teenage sons. He was telling them that they could be anything they wanted to be when they grow up, and he said to me, "So, I guess, I was lying to them." I remember being surprised that he was so cynical. But I was in my 30's then, and still wet behind the ears :) Now I understand what he meant. I thought about all of that today, and more. 

I feel impatient and disappointed with where I'm at with my surfing. Here we go into another fall/winter, and the opportunities to surf will dwindle. All morning I wavered between frustration that I'm not further skill-wise, and being pleased at my adventure on the outside. It's fun to go head-first into a wave. Even with one pearl and one washing-machine experience today. Ray from Rockaway Beach was right - even a small drop looks like 20 stories from up there.

That's all I got. I guess it sounds like a mixed bag, but I was a happy, happy girl today.