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I'm doing better, don't freak out. It's tough being an existentialist. In my next life, I'm really hoping for hedonism. (Ok, fine, I'm already a bit of a hedonist.) Maybe I should go for pragmatism.

I've made a few resolutions already. I haven't put too much thought into the new year yet, god knows that's coming, but these have been bumping around in my brain for a while. Ready to wonder how old I am? Midlife crisis in three . . . two . . .

1. I want to learn to snowboard. I have doubts that it's going to be my thing, but I want to take a lesson or two and give it a shot. 
2. I really want to learn to ride a skateboard. Fast. Like those girls (below). This sounds like the opposite of what I would enjoy, but I want to try it. How does one go about doing this? I'm not sure. I'll work on this and report back.
3. I want to readmorereadmorereadmore. Things that are not on my iDevices. Books and stuff. (Just kidding, that's an inside joke. I mean: books.)
4. I want to keep running. Maybe try for a 10k, which will be the farthest distance I will ever run in my entire life, I promise. But I love running (I actually jog, but can we just call it running? It makes me feel more athletic) and I want to keep doing it as long as my knees and hips will let me. A 10k would be a really big accomplishment for me. But most of all, I just want to keep going.
5. I want to date more. I started doing the online thing again a couple of weeks ago and had my first date in a while last Friday. Story forthcoming. But I want to put myself out there more. It's important. 
6. I want to take more risks - in every way. Definitely physically and emotionally. I need to offend more people. I haven't had to apologize enough in 2011. I'm fucking around, but seriously, I've been too focused on being careful. I'm almost 41. What am I waiting for? 

2011 was pretty damn rough, but I did ok. I grew a ton. I took a couple of fun trips. I invested in some very meaningful connections with other human beans. And I stayed relatively open to life despite getting bitch-slapped over and over. And over. For 2012, I would be incredibly grateful if I was lucky enough to get some of that stuff again. But more. I want more.

 

Things Fall Apart

(I wrote this on Christmas but had a hard time hitting "publish". It still feels a bit naked, but I think I'm ready.)

A few days ago, I was looking at pictures of my brother celebrating Christmas with my nephews. The boys were ripping through presents, and my brother had done a great job of capturing the looks on the kids' faces the minute they tore away enough wrapping paper to reveal the gifts inside. Wide eyes, open mouths, hands raised in the air in victory. It made me think of how Christmas really is a holiday for children - being around kids at Christmas is about as joyful as it gets. It also made me think of how nothing is really going as planned and everything is kind of fucked up and broken down.

It was December the 23rd when they were celebrating, for one. And instead of being tucked away in a cozy house, their cozy house, they were at a McDonald's - a temporary meeting place for food and fun and weekly visitation. Still, I guess you - what is the saying? - play on the string you have, and in the pictures it looked like they really were having a great time. There are worse things than boys having a loving father they see weekly, and celebrating the occasional Christmas at McDonald's.

I had dinner with one of my BFF's the other night. It was our annual dinner out to exchange gifts and celebrate Christmas and her birthday (also on Christmas). We started doing that in 1992, so, with the exception of the years I was in Japan and New York, this was our 19th celebration. Crazy. New friends are wonderful, and I'd like more of them, but there's so much to a friend who has witnessed 19 years of your life and history. We had a great conversation for hours mostly about how life is really just a series of losses. Don't you wish you'd been there? We're both, to varying degrees, existentialists, and that makes our conversations unique. Uniquely comforting, to be honest. My BFF is in a place of acceptance, of flow, and I'm so damn jealous. She's experiencing a lot of happiness and personal freedom. I'm in a place of complete opposition to the natural losses of life, and, it probably goes without saying, constipated. In terms of energy and emotion and direction, I'm plugged up. I hate it when I act in ways that aren't congruent with my beliefs, but there you have it. When the waitress came to take our order, she looked at me and said, "Can I get you a glass of wine?" I guess it was written all over my face because she quickly follow with, " . . . Or maybe a jug?"

I talked with my brother tonight and mentioned how much I loved the pictures of his Christmas celebration with the boys. I hadn't thought through my comment, and was initially surprised when he became emotional. But, of course, it's Christmas and we were talking about his boys, now far away, and their McDonald's holiday. He said it was sad and awkward to pull out the presents and just go for it right there in the middle of the restaurant, and then I waited while he cried.

I eventually said that there are all different kinds of ways for a family to look, and even different ways for Christmas to look. And that I think everyone feels the pressure to have things look a certain way, and then feels the sadness when it doesn't. And maybe his family and his holiday celebration in the middle of McDonald's took the pressure off some other folks who were feeling the same way. He said that a little girl was peering over the booth at the boys' unopened loot and said, "Are those presents?!" And when my brother told her that they were, she said about her family, "We don't celebrate Christmas."

I haven't felt right since my Grandmother died. Maybe before. I feel highly disturbed by all of the losses, big and small, in life, and largely unprepared to face them. And so, of course, with unreconciled cognitive dissonance comes some sloppy dance involving rationalization, justification, and employment of various defense mechanisms. Lather, rinse, repeat. I feel like I've been saying this for a year, but I'm working it out.

Baby Chicks

I'm up late working in Santa's workshop, trying to make up for my late start at holiday shopping. I'm hoping to have most of the packages I need to mail ready to go out tomorrow . . . I don't know if that's going to happen.

I've been feeling really sad lately about the burdens that people are carrying. So many of my chickens* at work are struggling with major, real problems, and I can see the stress and pain in their faces every day. It's breaking my heart. I want to lighten their loads and I can't. And hearing about layoffs and unemployment (which aren't even the types of problems I'm referring to with my work peeps) is almost too much to bear this time of year - and I don't think I'm going looking for this kind of news. It's just all around. It's such a different world. It's not impossible to find hope or joy, but sometimes you have to look pretty hard.

(I wrote this on the 17th of December and kept it in my drafts because I didn't know where I was going with it. I found it last night and wondered why I let that stop me - I never have before.)

*This is a term of endearment. There is no actual live poultry at my job.

What Else Can You Do?

Today is my first day off at home for three weeks. I've been putting a few Christmas things out, getting laundry done, and doing a little baking. I've listened to a few RadioLab podcasts, but mostly I've just enjoyed the silence. It was a clear day here in Portland, and having the sun stream through the windows while I messed around inside was a gift.

I haven't posted in so long! One reason I think is because I've been going through some heavy shit and the ol' blog isn't very anonymous anymore. It is in the larger sense, but I kind of miss the days when only the blogging peeps read it. I want it to feel like my space again, not a passive conversation with family or friends. I guess it's up to me to make this space what I want it to be, but it's surprisingly tough. 

On to the updates. 

• Nephews: I've seen my amazing nephews twice this fall, and the second time was yesterday. I had 5 heavenly hours with them and we raced and pretended and swam and took a train ride. The little one, now 2, remembered me from last time (before that, he had forgotten who I am - which is hard to even type) and he was a sweet little love bug the whole time. The older one, now 4 1/2, amazes me with his beautiful personality and strong sense of self. He also acts like he's about 16, which kind of freaks me out. I love those boys more than life.

• Work: I am still loving my job and am still waiting for the axe to fall on my department. I'm working on a really interesting project right now that you've probably heard about if you don't have your head completely up your ass. (I work for a big bank, and I love it. And I totally support the Occupy movement. And we, along with most of the big banks, paid back our TARP money plus interest years ago, so get your facts straight and move on.) I'm grateful to have a job I love, and I hope I still do in a few months. I need to cut back on my hours, but I'm trying.

• Water: I went surfing most recently about a month ago on 11/9. It was a test run to see if I could make it out and back and still get to work only 2 hours late. (I work the afternoon shift.) I almost passed the test. My first wave of the day was really sweet - a longish, smooth ride; no fidgeting or walking around on my board - just chest up, wide stance, lots of gratitude. Everything from that point on was questionable at best. After about an hour and a half, I put my board up and just swam around for a while because I was too tired to pop up, but I wasn't quite done with the feel of the water washing over me. I'm DISCOURAGED about my surfing, and I missed the connection I had with Jules terribly that day. I just don't see how I'll ever get better - ever ride green waves consistently - living here (inland), not having a teacher, and having a job. I also felt really out of shape. I cried on the way home and wondered if I should hang it up. I don't think I was really close to doing it, but the fact that I was even thinking it was just an expression of my grief and frustration. I have a long way to go. In surfing and in life.

• Travel: I recently spent a quick weekend up in WA with my Mom, and then went to NY for the first time since moving away in 2009 to be with my sister and BIL for Thanksgiving. Both trips were really nice, although it was a bit weird to be in NY, as that was such a strange time in my life. I did feel really lucky to be with family for the holiday. Looking forward, I'm trying to plan a few weekend trips to use a couple of free tickets I have, and then a bigger trip for early 2012. I just can't decide if I should do another surf trip, or if a solo, wandering city trip would scratch the itch. I've been thinking about (shhhh) India. I know it would rock my socks, but that's kind of what I want.

• Fitness: I've been really inconsistent with my running for the past six weeks, and I have the extra 5 lbs to prove it. Add to that the 15 I already needed to lose, and it's time to get serious. I want to fit into my clothes, yes, but I'm more concerned about heart disease, diabetes, cancer, and everything else I put myself at risk of by being out of shape. Man, aging - and specifically for me, hitting 40 - truly has a way of making those risks real.  

• Once More with Feeling: I'm giving online dating another go. Or I'm trying to. I had a lot of fun last time around, and it's probably time to get over Huntington Beach, which has proven very difficult. I've traded a few e-mails with guys already and I think I can officially say there's going to plenty of blogging material in this.

• Life: I have been missing my grandmother so intensely lately. It feels like a cut that won't heal. About life in general, I would say that I have been really busy alternating between grieving and avoiding grief. Both activities are serious business. I'm not usually such an avoider, so I don't know what I've been doing, but I'm going for the gold at it. I came across this poem (below) and can attest to the first part. I don't know about that second part, though. I'm skeptical.

When sad, be really sad, sink into sadness. What else can you do? Sadness is needed. It is very relaxing, a dark night that surrounds you. Fall asleep into it. Accept it, and you will see that the moment you accept sadness, it starts becoming beautiful. – Osho