Thursday, November 15, 2012

Apartment #B4

I had my final walk-through at my condo on Monday. Construction is 100% done and all the little findings from my inspection and my pre-walk were taken care of. It looked like home to me on my last few visits - or at least like a home. It's ready. I sign and pick up keys tomorrow. The movers arrive first thing Friday morning.

I'm feeling emotional tonight about leaving my apartment. I've felt this way for a few days. I've loved living in this apartment. I never really pictured myself anywhere else. When I got laid off in NY, I immediately decided to move back to Portland. I looked at apartments online and eventually ended up here, sight unseen. It's big and comfortable and it has been the perfect space for me for 3 1/2 of the hardest years of my life.

I moved back in March of 2009. And I remember the first clear evening when I realized my balcony faced exactly west and I would be able to see the sun set every night. The following fall, I remember waking with a start one morning to find my entire bedroom drenched in a deep pink reflection of the sunlight - it was the first time I knew that the tree directly outside my big bedroom window turned bright, bright red in early autumn. This apartment is where Huntington Beach and I got close. It is where I studied for months on end to be a teacher, passed all of my tests, and then let that go. I put a Christmas tree every year in the big bay window in the front room, and this garage is the only garage that's ever seen a wetsuit of mine hanging on the wall. I laid in bed for a week in this bedroom when my grandmother died and I didn't know what to do without her. The vet euthanized my kitty, JJ, in this living room so JJ wouldn't have to leave the house and suffer any more discomfort. It's somehow hard to leave this place without him.

And, of course, there's much more. So much more. I feel like the story here is unfinished in lots of ways. The condo purchase came up without warning and went very quickly. I'm think I'm glad - I don't think it would have happened otherwise, and it is good that it has happened. So ready or not, it's here. I hope I have many happy, healthy years in the condo. Starting tomorrow.


  1. I love that you have a sense of place, a sense of home. Most people don't. Of course, that means there's just another thing in life to cause you hurt in one more way or another. But it also claps with joy and enfolds you with solace. That's life.

  2. Best wishes in your new home LSL

  3. I was so emotional to leave our apartment and come to the house even though I was totally excited for the house and all the newness and all the first it represented. I'm sentimental and I attribute feelings to inanimate objects (like homes). It's only natural to be caught between the sorrow and the joy I think. That apartment was your safe place during a long stint of turmoil. It's ok to be sad & miss it. I think the new place is going to be a good salve for you in its own way. I'm hopeful for you, my sweet friend.

  4. Your guys' comments mean so much to me. Thank you.

    And Bri - I was just thinking about you a few days ago! Wonderful to hear from you.


  5. As emotionally difficult as it is, maybe there will be some healing in leaving a place where you dealt with so many difficult things, in starting over somewhere new. Good luck in your move. I hope it is as stress-free as something like that can be.

    Hello, LSL.

  6. Change is always challenging, and what I know about it is this: when I am going in the direction I should be going, everything seems to go really smoothly, almost miraculously so. When I am working against the direction the universe wants to go in, everything is a struggle.
    I think the condo is where you are suppose to be, and the apartment served you well during a difficult point in your life, but now it's time to take your experiences and move on to the next right thing.
    Love you.

  7. Ah, I was wondering if you'd get a pang about leaving the apartment, especially in light of losing JJ so recently. I imagine I'd feel the same, but it's better this way - he'd want you to move on to somewhere without the sad reminders.

    I have to say that, in that description of your bedroom lighting up pink, you've pretty much sold me on the old place - when can I move in?

    You'll make new wonderful memories in the new house. Congratulations on getting to the end of the sale process without pulling your hair out!

  8. I get emotional leaving almost every place I've lived. Especially the places that I feel I did a lot of growing in.

    I like to walk through each room and reflect on memories inside that space before I have to close the door one last time.

    I remember driving away from our very first house I lived in until I was 12. I was in the back seat of the car and I still remember looking out the back window and all the colors blurring from my tears.

    Have a wonderfully sad goodbye leaving your apartment. The space kept you warm both physically and emotionally.

    Also, your condo sounds super rad. Just sayin'.

  9. I'm glad you're blogging again! I'm just a nobody who's been reading your blog for a few years (hope that doesn't sound stalker-ish) and I've missed hearing about your life. Congrats on the condo! Buying a house was mondo stressful. I didn't relax til I literally had the keys in my hand. I'm sorry about your kitty. That's very, very hard.

  10. There is always a beginning, middle and end to every journey. This is just the end of one journey and the beginning of another.

    Your new condo will feel like home before you know it and you will have so many memories to make in it.

    I'm so excited for you! I hope you opened a bottle of your favorite on your first night there and enjoyed everything about your new place and appreciated everything about your old place. Cheers!

  11. Okay, I can't resist saying the obvious:

    Your old apartment was B4

    If that's not a sign to move on, I don't know what is.

    That is all.

    Happy Housewarming!