Sunday, April 21, 2013

This Is The Happy Version

Hello, my people. I haven't intended to be gone so long.* I am here, doing my thing, feeling my way along, figuring it out as I go. Or trying to. Of interest (at least, to me):

  • I seem to have come out of or be coming out of the burden of depression I'd been feeling for a few months. I don't know exactly when or why it came to visit, but it's been pretty difficult. One day a few weeks ago, in my therapist's office, I forget exactly what we were talking about, but I remember at one specific moment feeling some sense of weight coming off my shoulders and having the mental picture of a bird flying out of a cage. And I thought: I think it's done with me for now. Thank god. 
  • I'm having my taxes done (late, I know) and I'm stressed about the result - it's going to be a pretty big bill. I truly hate money stress - I've been very fortunate (luck + working ass off) to not have to deal with too much of it for several years, so this brings back icky feelings of desperation and fear from a long time ago. I'm going to just be strong and remind myself that it's now, not then, and get busy pinching pennies. I think that's the best I can do. 
  • I started a new job about a month and a half ago, and wow. It's exhausting. I don't talk about work stuff here, so I'll keep it at: the work itself is really fun, and some of the other parts are quite rough. We can apply for new jobs in my company every 12 months, so I keep joking (joking?) with a few friends at work: Hey, 10 1/2 months to go. Hopefully it will get better. The learning curve for this job is much steeper than for my last couple jobs.
  • This sure isn't sounding like the fun, positive update I thought it would be.
  • I've been thinking and scheming and plotting lately how I can reduce my involvement in all things technological and Internetish. I really detest how often I stare at my phone, and I do it less than almost anyone I'm around. (And more than a few people I envy.) I have a zillion bookmarks, pins, hearts, likes, saved whatevers, that I'll NEVER look at again and truly don't even care about. They don't make my life better, easier, more fun, more simple, more anything. That kind of shit distracts me from appreciating what I have and from calling my Mom more often and from looking into your eyes when you are speaking to me because I'm busy busy busy with all of the wonderful possibilities at my fingertips. It's bullshit. I've never been one to care all that much about things that fall outside of genuine connection between people. I don't know or care when all that stuff went from convenience to interference. I just want to make some changes so I control it versus it controlling me. 
  • I've started to run again. My god, it kills my knees and my time is even slower than it was before. I miss the days of being embarrassed at my 9:45 min miles. But I'm really proud of myself for getting out there, for doing my little weights and crunches in my room before bed. Sometimes. I want to be healthy, I want to move my body. I feel like moving my body is a way of showing appreciation for it. 
  • When I turned 42 last month I made a decision to put some effort into dating again. Jeeeeez, it's hard to do that sometimes. Online dating is like a little part-time job, all the correspondence and such, and, I don't know. Showing up to meet someone for a quick drink looking like it's no big deal is a huge deal. Looking like I haven't made a big fuss over getting ready takes a humongous fuss. Plus, hair. Lots of it. So it's a labor of hope, I guess, and of adventure. Lately I've had a few pretty good dates with really decent guys, and I've seen one guy several times. I don't really know what happens next and at what point I stop going on other dates if it keeps going well with this particular guy. It feels complicated and not completely fun, but I'm going to stick with it and see if I can figure it out. 
  • On one of the dates with the good guy (we'll call him the front runner), we went to see the movie 42. It's pretty good as far as Disney movies go, but I was feeling some discomfort throughout with how the subject matter was handled. Afterwards, as we were walking out of the theater, he said he thought the story depicted Racism Lite®. I thought that was funny and hit it on the head. He's super sharp and has a good sense of humor . . . we'll see what happens next. 
  • I have a three-day leadership off-site this week, and the entire thing is role playing. Could you be more jealous? Oh, and it's going to get past 70° this week without a cloud in the sky. One more: great surf report. Isn't that awesome? No surfing in perfect weather for me, please. I'd much rather be role playing. 
  • I appreciate you kittens so much. Please keep coming back and keeping me company here. If you don't mind, I'm going to turn the comments off for a post or two because I think something about them sometimes keeps me from posting. Not about your wonderful comments that encourage me so much and help me feel connected to my circle. But the feeling of not wanting to pander if I have something to complain about . . . I don't know. It's not you, it's me. Truly. Thank you for being here.  :)
*Is this sentence even English? Who knows. Grammar is hard.