Saturday, April 5, 2014

Even Now

I've been in my "new" condo a year and a half this month. My old kitty, JJ, died two years ago next month. It's weird - time just keeps going. It's been 11 months since I had my last surf. It's been just over three months since I got my current job. I turned 43 last month. Crazy. The first time I mentioned my birthday on this blog (although the blog was called something else back then) was in 2005 when I just had turned 34 and was living in Japan. Time, you are a thief.

Aging is crazy. I like it ok, I guess. The physical toll, of course, is hard to deal with. There's a lot of disappointment in realizing that I'm not just tired or overworked; this is my face now. This is my body. These are my weak wrists and my aching knees. I have to let go of ideas or ideals over and over. I think I still harbor slight "waiting for the big thing to happen" tendency that isn't helpful or realistic.

I feel lonely a lot. I am alone a lot. I feel confident that this isn't how we are meant to live. And yet . . . here I am. I've struggled with depression the last few years, which I'd never previously even felt for a day, so that's been an adjustment. It's like learning to live with a roommate you hate.

I feel hopeful. At times. Although it seems whenever I start feeling good about the future, some kind of smackdown comes. But what is hope if not still believing, even then?


  1. I still have trouble believing how old I am. Wasn't I just in my 20's!? Sigh. It's not all bad. I give way less shits about stupid stuff. I like that part.

  2. I also wanted to say that yes, depression is like a roommate you hate. They don't do the dishes and "borrow" your favorite clothes and eat your Nutella. It blows.

  3. I've been following your blog for years since your time in Japan, and we've shared some things in the past. Remember that your readers like me are a community, and we're here for you if you need us. I'm about to hike the Pacific Crest Trail by myself, but I've learned that the hikers help each other out and form their own micro-community. I don't know if this will make me feel less alone, but I'm willing to see if it does. So just don't forget that we're here, and although we've never met we've spent time together and that has to be worth something.

  4. I hate aging. I hate feeling 17 but realizing that 17 was 2+ decades ago. I pride myself on being independent and single but at the same time, worry that if something happens to me, no one will know for weeks, months or years. I've been reading your blog for years. Initially I started reading because I'm a Portland native and you were connection to community I miss. But I realize more that you think like I do. Thank you for your honesty.

  5. My friend, I am so sorry you're having a rough time. I totally get the aging thing. Just this morning, I ordered a book off Amazon, something about finding the sage in the aged one ... something. Because there has to be an upside to this slow deterioration, yes? And I am here because I wanted to give you an in-the-ether hug about your most recent kitty experience. What a heartbreaker. I am so sad for you, and hope that you won't spend a second pummeling yourself for allowing her to go back to the shelter. It was what needed to happen for you and nothing wrong with it. She is now peaceful and in spirit as we all will be one day and no more illness. So onward for those left behind for the moment. I hope that life improves. It usually does over time. I remember loving my early forties, hating that decade by the end of it. My early 50s, worst time of my life. Now, possibly the best ever. The thing about life, always something else on the horizon, good and bad. I'm babbling, just wanted to reach out and let you know that I'm thinking of you and sending +++ thoughts your way. xo