Six

My oldest nephew turned six years old last week. I tried to write about him on his birthday, but I mostly sat at the computer and cried at the absolute wonder of six. Six! Since then, I've been trying and trying to find the words to describe what he means to me, what him turning six means to me, but I can't. Even to say that he is six almost takes my breath away.

The morning of his birthday my brother texted us pictures of my nephew's school celebration - he is in the middle of a circle of children, he is wearing a birthday crown, he is sitting with some kind of treat on a plate and looking up at the camera with so much excitement it simultaneously gives me hope and breaks my heart. The world is not good enough for that toothless smile.

When he was 11 days old, I flew from New York to Seattle to meet him. I'd planned on waiting a month or two so that my brother and his new family could find their routine before having Auntie barge in. But I called him a few days after the baby was born and we agreed - I needed to come meet my nephew. Now.

Even at 11 days old, he had this presence, this personality-in-the-making, that was so strong. And he still has that today. He is a little scientist; he observes, he gathers data, he calculates and computes, and then asks questions that make you blink and stutter.

He is not now, nor has he ever been, a cuddler. If he hangs on you for a moment too long, put the inside of your wrist to his forehead because the boy is coming down with something. He is very, very loving. He just doesn't have time to cuddle and snuggle and nest. He is planning and figuring and exploring, and such things won't wait.

I spend time with him and his brother every few months, I write letters to him every few weeks, I exchange goofy voicemails and have 5-second FaceTime chats with him whenever he stays still long enough for someone on either end to dial a phone. 

There is more - so much more. This is just the beginning of the story. I have a special bond with each of my nephews, and they truly, truly have made me see the world in a different way. They give me hope, they cause me to feel fearful about the world, they convince me there is some kind of Grand Order, they teach me about loving. They break my heart. They heal my heart.

My Old Place

I'm so grateful for my condo, which I love. It's homey and such a perfect space for me. But I've noticed that it's taken longer for me to feel settled here. I worry that expressing that could come across as being ungrateful for my new home, but I'm not. I just loved that old apartment so much and never really saw myself moving from there. I guess I knew I would, but I wanted to stay as long as possible. (And I guess I did.)

In the summer, I would race home from work to put on my bathing suit and enjoy the pool. Every day. I got more use out of that pool than any other resident. I never took it for granted.

Lately our weather has turned warm again and I've been reminded of how grateful I felt every time I dipped my toes or more in the water. It kept me outside for most of the summer, and I loved it so much. At my core, I'm a fish. I always have been. And I miss those lazy evenings when time would almost stop and the warm air hung on for hours and I would take a quick nap on a chaise lounge and then do a few laps in complete silence, not even splashing when I would turn. It was like a meditation. Day after day after day.

It's been a year now since little JJ died, and I think it's kind of hard to not be in that apartment because it's where I lived with him. We occupied that space perfectly together, and I miss him. I've thought about getting another kitty, but in the past it's made me almost sick with grief to consider it. Lately I've been thinking about it more, but I just planned a couple of long weekends away like I do in the summer. It's stressful to find someone to care for a pet while you're away. I might see about finding a good match when my travel is done.

I love my new space. My sewing room is so nice for me, and the central air conditioning, which I used tonight for the first time, is a dream. (I had central air installed in my last condo and two weeks later started interviewing for the job in Japan . . . ) It's just a couple blocks from work, and it's a small enough space that it's easy to care for, but not so small that a person would go crazy. But my old apartment was a different kind of home. I walked in the neighborhood at night, my grocery store was right behind the buildings, I loved driving up the tree-lined main street in the autumn and seeing the seasonal colors. And I had a place to soak in the sun and I had my kitty. And now I'm just trying to find some of the unique things that will make my new place a special home. I think it's going to take a while.

Three Days

I've loved every second of this three-day weekend and wish it wouldn't end. (Clearly, as I'm stretching it out as late as possible.) It's been a quiet one for me, and very self indulgent. Over the past few days, I . . .

• Watched a few of the games in the NBA finals - go Pacers! (I know we're gonna see a Heat/Spurs match up. I'm just enjoying Indy.) 
• Had dinner out with a friend.
• Spent some time thinking of our service members - past and present - and the sacrifices they make so that they rest of us can have peaceful weekends. 
• Went to an Al-Anon meeting - it was truly amazing, like it almost always is.
• Went to the Lego store for my nephews birthday . . . and got myself a little something while I was there :)
• Watched two documentaries - an ESPN "30 for 30" episode about Allen Iverson (my god - racism; that poor kid), and one about the early days of the AIDS epidemic, called How to Survive a Plague - it was outstanding, 5 stars. Thank God for Act Up. 
• Went on two tiny little jogs. It's something. 
• Ate an obscene amount of froyo.
• Talked with my mom and my sister. And texted a bit with my baby bro. Nice to connect with family. 
• Listened to 3 or 4 episodes of This American Life. I sure love it.
• Slept in until 10:00 AM one day! Holy crap. (Have I mentioned my new black-out shade in my bedroom? True love.)
• Spent some time sewing a gift for a friend, and then started on some patchwork. I'm not sure what I'll use it for, and it sure is time intensive (good LORD), but I really like the effect.
• Didn't think much about work or other issues. Mostly relaxed. That was nice. 

MURS for President

I saw my first Murs show back in March (good lord) and don't want to forget how great it was. He was touring with Fashawn to support their collaborative album (title track - lord, I love this song), and they had several openers including Prof (great song - Buddy.) (Prof is the white dude below; Murs is the brother. They are both pint-sized. Fashawn? Even littler.)

It was SUCH a fantastic show - one of the best I've seen by far. Murs is sharp as a freaking tack, socially aware and doing his part (hello, works with Habitat for Humanity, released Animal Style about equal rights for our gay bros & sisters - yes, before Macklemore, whom I adore, and more), and funny as hell. Murs has done lots of collaborations, and one of my favorites is with Slug of Atmosphere - their song Dirty Girl from the album A Tribue to Lisa Bonet  is the best. Download that sucker and put it on repeat. You're welcome.

Here are two of Murs' raddest tunes (no embedding allowed on the first):

Lookin' Fly, which has one of my favorite lyrics:

Spread my wings like Andre Hicks
Getting play on both coasts like the L.A. Knicks

Yesssssss.

And you might have heard this one before - Everything.



Class dismissed. :)

Stumptown Comic Fest

Hi. It's the first week of May and I'm depressed. Again. Or still. Or something. But I've been doing some fun stuff lately and I want to capture it, so I'm going to do a little back and forth.

Last weekend I went to Stumptown Comic Fest. It was so interesting. One of the many great things about me* is that I'm genuinely interested in a lot of different things. I really love learning about new things - I'm a very curious person and I love learning, seeing new perspectives, widening my frame of reference. I have a friend at work who is an artist and who talks about his artistic process, and lately I've been hanging out with another friend who is a brilliant illustrator (see comics, buy books here), and I've been thinking about the process of creating. I guess I've been thinking about it for a while because it's why I got into sewing a year or two ago - I wanted to have to make decisions about textures and colors and design. I think of all of that as related to expression, and I think I'm slowly trying to find ways to express myself. No. This is actually what it is: I'm trying to figure out ways that all of these various experiences and emotions inside of me want to be expressed.

So I was turning over these thoughts in my brain and then, bam, Comic Fest.

It was really different for me and really fun. I felt out of place, so that was challenging. But I appreciate being out of my comfort zone; that's where most learning takes place for me. I just basically wandered from table to table, not making eye contact with artist and reps so they wouldn't talk to me, and thinking about the nature of the whole thing - promoting and selling and explaining and relating things you create. A lot of it didn't appeal to me, or I should say I didn't connect with it. I'm not a Sci-fi fan (I just had to google to see if I spelled "Sci-fi" correctly) and after a while it seemed like most of the work was centered on girls with huge boobs or white men. Snore. (Seriously, can we get some people of color up in here, comic people?) But I kept looking around and I found a bunch of stuff that I liked. And I had a few fun conversations (and a couple awkward ones - mostly where the artists asked, "So, what do you do for a living?" Oh, I'm a banker . . . [crickets].) I had one interesting conversation with an artist from Seattle who said, "Why did you come?" and I thought, ok, I'll try it. So I explained how I've been exploring expression and we had a decent conversation from it.

Anyway, I'm really glad I went and I love the two books I bought. Here are some of my favorite artists from the event:

Adult Babysitting - Tales from a real life Portland bartender - I think this is clever as hell

Definitely Far From Korea - this is great stuff, I loved this guy; I bought a book of his called This Will Pass, and I love it - probably my favorite artwork I found

Nico Hitoride - I can't get any of his pages to load, so here's his Twitter account; I really liked his illos

Last Train to Old Town - this is beautiful, beautiful stuff, heavy on concepts; I just loved this guy's vibe

* :)

From Where I Sit, You're One of a Kind

This song by Griffin House has been one of my favorites for the last couple of years.

Remember in that last post when I mentioned the Good Guy I was dating and, hey, we'll see what happens next? God damn it. I'd explain it all, but I'm smack in the middle of a terribly self-indulgent miserable streak so I'm super busy right now. I might have some time in a few weeks when I stop crying and never date again. Best guy I've ever met, such a good one. I'm telling you - first class all the way.

Still, got to be a little out of his mind, right?

This Is The Happy Version

Hello, my people. I haven't intended to be gone so long.* I am here, doing my thing, feeling my way along, figuring it out as I go. Or trying to. Of interest (at least, to me):

• I seem to have come out of or be coming out of the burden of depression I'd been feeling for a few months. I don't know exactly when or why it came to visit, but it's been pretty difficult. One day a few weeks ago, in my therapist's office, I forget exactly what we were talking about, but I remember at one specific moment feeling some sense of weight coming off my shoulders and having the mental picture of a bird flying out of a cage. And I thought: I think it's done with me for now. Thank god. 

• I'm having my taxes done (late, I know) and I'm stressed about the result - it's going to be a pretty big bill. I truly hate money stress - I've been very fortunate (luck + working ass off) to not have to deal with too much of it for several years, so this brings back icky feelings of desperation and fear from a long time ago. I'm going to just be strong and remind myself that it's now, not then, and get busy pinching pennies. I think that's the best I can do. 

• I started a new job about a month and a half ago, and wow. It's exhausting. I don't talk about work stuff here, so I'll keep it at: the work itself is really fun, and some of the other parts are quite rough. We can apply for new jobs in my company every 12 months, so I keep joking (joking?) with a few friends at work: Hey, 10 1/2 months to go. Hopefully it will get better. The learning curve for this job is much steeper than for my last couple jobs.

• This sure isn't sounding like the fun, positive update I thought it would be.

• I've been thinking and scheming and plotting lately how I can reduce my involvement in all things technological and Internetish. I really detest how often I stare at my phone, and I do it less than almost anyone I'm around. (And more than a few people I envy.) I have a zillion bookmarks, pins, hearts, likes, saved whatevers, that I'll NEVER look at again and truly don't even care about. They don't make my life better, easier, more fun, more simple, more anything. That kind of shit distracts me from appreciating what I have and from calling my Mom more often and from looking into your eyes when you are speaking to me because I'm busy busy busy with all of the wonderful possibilities at my fingertips. It's bullshit. I've never been one to care all that much about things that fall outside of genuine connection between people. I don't know or care when all that stuff went from convenience to interference. I just want to make some changes so I control it versus it controlling me. 

• I've started to run again. My god, it kills my knees and my time is even slower than it was before. I miss the days of being embarrassed at my 9:45 min miles. But I'm really proud of myself for getting out there, for doing my little weights and crunches in my room before bed. Sometimes. I want to be healthy, I want to move my body. I feel like moving my body is a way of showing appreciation for it. 

• When I turned 42 last month I made a decision to put some effort into dating again. Jeeeeez, it's hard to do that sometimes. Online dating is like a little part-time job, all the correspondence and such, and, I don't know. Showing up to meet someone for a quick drink looking like it's no big deal is a huge deal. Looking like I haven't made a big fuss over getting ready takes a humongous fuss. Plus, hair. Lots of it. So it's a labor of hope, I guess, and of adventure. Lately I've had a few pretty good dates with really decent guys, and I've seen one guy several times. I don't really know what happens next and at what point I stop going on other dates if it keeps going well with this particular guy. It feels complicated and not completely fun, but I'm going to stick with it and see if I can figure it out. 

• On one of the dates with the good guy (we'll call him the front runner), we went to see the movie 42. It's pretty good as far as Disney movies go, but I was feeling some discomfort throughout with how the subject matter was handled. Afterwards, as we were walking out of the theater, he said he thought the story depicted Racism Lite®. I thought that was funny and hit it on the head. He's super sharp and has a good sense of humor . . . we'll see what happens next. 

• I have a three-day leadership off-site this week, and the entire thing is role playing. Could you be more jealous? Oh, and it's going to get past 70° this week without a cloud in the sky. One more: great surf report. Isn't that awesome? No surfing in perfect weather for me, please. I'd much rather be role playing. 

• I appreciate you kittens so much. Please keep coming back and keeping me company here. If you don't mind, I'm going to turn the comments off for a post or two because I think something about them sometimes keeps me from posting. Not about your wonderful comments that encourage me so much and help me feel connected to my circle. But the feeling of not wanting to pander if I have something to complain about . . . I don't know. It's not you, it's me. Truly. Thank you for being here.  :)

*Is this sentence even English? Who knows. Grammar is hard.

Learning into Another Year

I found these on the Internets somewhere. I am a crazy Joseph Campbell fan, and I've seen the other attributed to just about everyone. If I could only learn these two things - really learn them in a way that leaves me with no other choice but to live them - I would exceed my own expectations. Here's to trying to do just that for another year.

Almost Spring

The weather here in Portland has started to turn and we've had a week or so at about 60 degrees. It's felt miraculous, and the effect on my mood has been significant. The winter this year was colder than any I remember and I let it get to me. For the last few winters, I was excited about running through the cold months and I'd get new gear to stay warm . . . this year it felt miserable to even go from my car to my office. I don't know. Spring is coming and I couldn't be happier about it.

I'm still meeting with a personal trainer at the gym. I've done about 5 sessions and I have about 10 more left and then I'll let that go. I think it's been helpful in getting my head in the right place, and I do like my guy, but I really hate exercising indoors. I started running again fairly regularly about 3 weeks ago, and although my progress has been sooooo slowwwww, it feels really good to be back out. On sunny days, I feel that old craving to get a run in. That's huge after the dry spell and weight gain I've had. I've made it 3+ miles once or twice, but I seem to be kind of stuck at two right now. Irritating, but I'm just trying to accept it and be consistent with what I can do. If I get out 3 or so times a week and run two good miles, I'm proud of myself. 

I'm enjoying my condo. It's cozy. I'm looking forward to when the weather is nicer so I can sit on my little balcony at night and read like I used to when I lived at my apartment. I spend a fair amount of time in my sewing room (I'll post a few sewing projects I've done lately when I get a chance), and it just feels like home here. I'm very, very grateful for it. 

Work news: after a year and a half of anticipation, my department at work did shutdown. That happened about two weeks ago, and I found another position with the company at the same office (which is about two blocks from my house) just in time. I've been at the new position for a week now and so far, so good. After 19 1/2 years in banking, I don't get too, too freaked out about new assignments. I haven't met my new team (of employees) yet; I've just been training. I hope it continues to go well. It's an interesting role and I have to really use my brain, which I like :) 

I have a big birthday coming up this week. I don't know exactly why it feels big. The number is 42 (gasp) and I think the issue is that it's no longer the cute 39 or the big 4-oh - something about 42 says nothing but: I'm firmly in middle-age. I'm not completely depressed over it - I'm more encouraged lately than I have been in a while. But aging is rough. What the hell happened to my knees? I'm trying to stay on focus with my weight loss and exercise and other personal goals because that's ultimately the most satisfying thing to me in terms of aging - if I can keep my health as long as possible, then I don't have much to complain about, do I?

My brother & nephews visited last weekend.
How cute is this little guy? :)

I've been wanting to plan a getaway - something sunny to look forward to - but I've lost some creativity or something because whereas I used to think of Indonesia or Costa Rica for an adventure, now I don't think much past Hawaii. It's just so perfect and so easy. And close. But the problem is that I'm not in surfing shape right now and it would be such a shame to go to HI and not surf. I'm not sure I can even do that. I don't know, maybe I make it a quick trip just for some sun and R&R, and then plan something more for another time, maybe next year? A surfing trip to Mexico or Nicaragua or something? 

I've also been wondering about getting a kitty. It probably sounds like a simple decision, but I'm not convinced it's a good idea. I work all day and am gone a bit on the weekends (although I don't travel like I used to). And I would only want one cat because, you know, OCD. I've thought of getting an older cat who needs a quiet, mellow home. Because that's what I have. To be honest, it's been about 9 months since my kitty died, but it's still really upsetting to look online at pictures of available cats (at the HS) or to think about having another one. I don't know. I'm still thinking.

I've been going to a ton of Blazer basketball games. I think I'm only missing one this calendar year. I won't bore you with all the deets, but I will say that I get so much *joy* out of the Trail Blazers. It's been a tiny little miracle in my life this year after a few really tough years. I'm hoping I can afford a half-season ticket for next year to just keep it going. I have no idea what I'll do in the off-season. Seriously - in a couple of months, I'm going to be going through some serious withdrawals.

Blazer smiles - these are my boys.
(Photo from the official Trail Blazers Twitter feed)

Ok, you can wake up now. This post has been kind of a snoozer, but I wanted to record where I'm at. Time flies whether you're having fun or not, that's what I think. But I've been having some fun. 

Trouble Hunter

I've been slacking on a promise (threat) I made to my friend Sher Bear that I could get her to like rap. My first attempt was Brother Ali (post is here) and that went great. I have several shows and artists coming up and I know a couple of them are going to go over awesome. This one is a bit of an acquired taste, but I think we can handle it together.

I've been an Astronautalis fan for a while now and just got to see my first show of his about two weeks ago. I get tickets to a lot of shows for these indie bands/acts I like because: a) they always cost about $10, b) this is the kind of stuff I couldn't do in Japan and I don't want to take having it available for granted, c) It has to be a pretty special act to get me to a large, arena-type concert, but I pretty much always enjoy a tiny little indie show in a crappy venue. 400 max capacity and a ticket guy who doubles as a bouncer and triples as ID check is almost always going to be a good time. BUT. I'm not a spring chicken anymore, and a lot of these shows start late. I mean late, y'all. And if they're on a work night then I need to be reeeeeeally excited about it to go. I've been passing up some good ones - you can't do everything - but I knew I HAD to hit Astronautalis. No missing that show.

It was awesome. So inspiring! Andy is the dude and he is a book that can't be judged by the cover. My favorite kind. He has a powerful voice and a really unique sound and he is smart as hell. He is also super engaging live - he moves around to the beat and you think maybe he's having a seizure, but you quickly realize that he doesn't care what anyone thinks and he's just really . . . free.

His freestyling is pretty crazy, and I think it's hard to stand out because a lot of rappers are great freestylers, but he stands out. During the show, he asked the crowd for 8 or 9 topics, said they have to be things no one has ever rapped about before, and then instantly rapped for five minutes about Native Americans, tea, narcolepsy, Charles Bukowski, and 5 other things I can't remember. The Bukowski parts were beautiful - he somehow made the whole thing about absolutely refusing to give in to cynicism. (We're talking about rap music, people.) One of the lines was, "Read people who think the world is beautiful and full of options." I loved that. He also went on about his life - touring for 10 years as a rap artist with limited success, no health insurance, but meeting some many beautiful people and having authentic interactions, and he rapped, "I will live like this 'til the day that I die and that's it. So Bukowski can have his bitterness; Rest in peace, bitch." (Swoon.) Absolutely loved that. No pretense here - just smart, smart music.

This is Our Science is a great record, and I love almost everything on it. I recommend Trouble Hunters (from an old album), The River, The Woods, Dimitri Mendeleev, and This is Our Science. And Contrails is just too damn fun not to share: