Repeat After Me: It's Not Real & Stuff, Real and Imagined

These are two posts I wrote on 6/5/13 and 12/18/15 and never published. In these, I sound like that unhinged comedian who yells everything he says. I wanted to post these now because, Jesus, I had feelings. Dramatic feelings. And I feel pretty similar now - these could have been written today if they were 50% more chill. Except that I deleted FB many years ago, Vine doesn't even exist anymore, and my sister and I totally text daily and talk weekly now and have for years. And it's not *quite* as hard to have non-device time as it sounds like it used to be. But all of this was important to me then and I guess it still is. 

One more caveat: I probably only have 30 more years on the planet now, if I'm lucky. Damn, it goes fast. 

Repeat After Me: It's Not Real

I forgot if I've mentioned why we're not Facebook friends. You and me, I mean. We're not. And you might have friend-requested me or something, and if you did I probably ignored it with the intention of sending you a quick e-mail explaining, but then I never did. Awkward. So I wanted to take this opportunity to explain why we're not Facebook friends.

1. You're not my Mom. My Mom is on Facebook and she posts lovely pictures of her sewing projects and stories about friends who have visited her. I really enjoy reading about her days. You're not her.
2. I end up hating every person I'm friends with on Facebook at one time or another (except my Mom). Even my sister and I friend and unfriend and re-friend each other each time we have an argument. If you're not a blood relative and we've somehow become connected on Facebook, at one point or another, I've hated you. I'm sorry. Or whatever. 
3. I truly hate how we've let social media come to mean shit it doesn't mean. If I unfollow you on a social media network, it means exactly this (ready): NOTHING. Jesus Christ. It's not real, people. That shit isn't real. 
4. The reason I'm not "friends" with my real friends on Facebook is because I want real relationships. It's depressing to me to know how you're doing each day for the past two years and never once have actual contact with you. If we don't get in personal touch with each other then I don't want to know how your every day is. That makes me sad and lonely. I want my relationships to have substance, be tangible. That doesn't mean I don't like you. Jesus. What's with you needing everyone to like you, anyway? (Jk.) 

Stuff, Real and Imagined

I haven't felt great this weekend, so I've mostly stuck close to home. I've spent my time resting and knitting and puttering. Tonight I had a burst of energy, so I went through a few piles in my bedroom closet and in the garage and got a bunch of bags ready for Goodwill.

I'm feeling something I want to express, but I'm not sure exactly how. It's kind of a mish-mash of things, but I think it all relates. 

I have so much stuff. It's taking over my house and life and making me feel claustrophobic. I've been looking around at it all and wondering, how does this happen? I think part of is having moved from my apartment to my condo six-ish months ago and having less storage space here. Now my crap is just out in the open so I have to see it. But I think more than that is the acquiring. Buying, buying, buying, always needing more. Everybody probably thinks they're better than most at this, but I've always, always had kind of a minimalist style and am well-known at my local Goodwill for how often I drop off. And yet, stuff. Everywhere. 

I think sometimes I acquire things as a way to distract myself from what I'm feeling or going through. Something new and shiny easily distracts me from (I never finished this sentence).

I've been trying for about 6 or 8 weeks to significantly decrease the amount of time I spend online and playing with electronic devices. It's going so-so. I've taken most of the apps off my iPhone. I keep up with random crap that I didn't care about in the first place a lot less. I just Twitter for basketball news and occasionally check in with friends. Sometimes I end up feeling a little more isolated, but then I remind myself that being privy to friends' frequent rants about work on their partners or seeing their daily selfies makes me no less isolated. I wish I could say that 100 times. 

My hatred for Facebook is well-known and documented. I have a few reasons, but it's mainly because it feels like it's about relationships, about connecting, but it has absolutely nothing to do with that. 

I think this might be half about aging and half about something else, but I feel out of place. The world has officially passed me by. This concerns me only because I hope to have another 40 good years on the planet, but my god if I spend them without authentic contact with other humans, I don't think I'll make it. 

I have a several hundred "bookmarks" between my work PC, home PC, and cell phone browser. Articles (great ones), pictures, educational charts, inspirational videos, ideas for future projects. 

I hate it all. It's meaningless. It's a fun, empty, creepy distraction from anything and everything that is real. My sister and I went years and years - literally - talking on the phone every few days. I would hear her voice, her laugh, sometimes her crying. We go weeks now and sometimes months without calling. And actually this isn't  at all about my sister - it's every friend I have! Relationships now are not overlapping, touching. They are theatrical plays - we don't have relationships, we have audiences. The latest Vine/video thing that I hate so, so much? It's such a *fun* way to feel like we know each other, isn't it? Now I don't just see your words, I hear your voice! We must be close friends!

I use Pinterest to collect inspirational surf pictures and sewing patterns. And feelings of shame and ineptitude about all the things I'm not. I detest the consumerism it forces/demands/seduces me into. I like the surfing stuff I find on there. It's fun. But it's also unsettling and empty and fake - how I can see you on there, too, and all the stuff you like, and wow, we have lot of things in common. It almost feels like I know you. Sites that like ultimately make me feel less, not more. It's all a bunch of bullshit reminders of what I don't have and what I'm not. Fuck that. I mean it. And I'm not saying that I feel that while I'm on that website - I'm sure you're thinking, Jesus, close the browser. I mean that sometimes I find myself lonely or depressed or feeling unknown, and I likely haven't been on that website for a month. It's not one thing; I'm not suited for this kind of non-relational relating we do now. I think almost everyone else is good with it, doesn't feel diminished or stolen from by it. I wish I felt that way; I think I've been trying. I feel like the only girl at the feast who is starving.

I enjoy checking in quickly with friends via text; I'm not trying to start a new Amish movement. But this is what I'm trying to say: I feel lonely knowing what you do everyday (status update) and even hearing your voice (Vine) and knowing none of it is directed at or connected to me or us. 

I guess this is what I mean: I don't want to know the 10 Secrets to Being a Great Manager. I don't want to see pictures of your kid that I've never met and will never meet. I don't want ideas for new crafts. I don't want to see the funniest video you've ever seen. I don't want to "like" your rant about your boss. Don't star my tweet. Fuck that.

This is what I want: I want one more day with my grandmother who died 2 years ago and whose birthday is looming on my calendar because I can't bring myself to take it off. I want one more conversation with my dad. I want to have a meal with my brother and have the time reflect the love and respect and affection we have for each other. I want to hear from my closest friends more than once a year, or I want to quit calling them my closest friends. I want to spend time with my mom. I want to hear my nephews giggle and sing and yell. I want to watch them run, I want to read books to them, I want to love on them in a way that matters long after they've gone home.