I'm so tired every night. Man, what is up with working? Will I ever exercise again? Who can make me dinner every night so I don't have to worry about feeding myself? Can someone just please pick out my clothes (and get them ironed) so I don't have to deal with that whole dilemma every morning? 1" heels? 2.5" heels? How much walking will I be doing? Trying to look like I have it together is really exhausting.
Well, don't get too excited, but things at work are going a little better already. I'm still not totally catching on, but I can see a tiny bit of progress. And today I had a long meeting with one of my people, and at the end he told me that he likes working for me, and that even in just one week he's already learning from me. He told me that he had applied for my job, but that he went to my boss yesterday and told her that she made the right decision in turning him down to hire me. He said that I'm the right person for that job and that he's excited to work for me. ?? He said it with such sincerity and conviction. I just stared at him for several seconds. It was so unexpected. ??
So I cried a little tonight, but only because Scrubs was sad. It - my emotions, my process, my constant thinking - is so clearly about the transition and repatriation more than the actual job. Today I was looking for some old docs that I used in Japan so I can utilize them here, and I opened my memory stick that has my entire Japan work PC on it and started going through my docs. It's incredible. Every project, every list, every spreadsheet. Every document brings back a rush of memories - Did my great leadership team work on this with me? I miss those guys. Were we in Okinawa when we planned that? We probably ate at Chili's on base that day. Was that before or after the major deployment? It was so hard to be strong and positive when the husbands would deploy. What house did I live in when that happened? I think it was the one with the neighbors that left me love notes. That project began right after I got back from Vietnam, didn't it?
It's coming together r-e-a-l-l-y slowly. I feel like I'm kind of grieving or letting go of Japan (ok, now I'm crying) or something. It's hard to let go of - you kind of do the trauma/bond thing with so many people and places and things when you're in that type of situation. I can't explain it. Americans overseas really, really bond. And then there's the bond I had with the Japanese - being so overwhelmed that strangers welcome you and take care of you.
ANYway, I think I just need to spend time remembering it all and appreciating all the amazing people who took me in and cared for me over there. My time in Japan included some of the highest highs and the lowest lows I've had. I feel like I should be posting something more interesting (or more widely applicable), but I might just post some more memories as I continue to go through the mental transition so my heart and head can catch up with my body.
Right now I'm listening to iTunes as I post, as usual, and "Dream Big" by Ryan Shupe and the Rubberband just started. I can't tell you the number of times I drove to Hiroshima in my great, silver Mark II with this song on. The road follows the coastline of the Inland Sea, and after I got past the Pas de Chat restaurant, "Words Fail You" by Kris Delmhorst would come on, but by the time I reached the first toll road entrance, it was "Superman" by Lazlo Bane. Yes, I think you're in for more of this in the coming days. Somehow it helps to write it down. It all really happened. To me. Over there.
One year ago I was preparing for, god help me, a week in Thailand.
Two years ago I was in the middle of a systems conversion and HATING life.