I've been in constant mental conflict lately. It's exhausting. The idea was that I would be a banker and make enough money not following my bliss that I could do what I really want - like volunteer and travel the world - in my free time. And up until recently it's worked out extremely well. But work lately is such a complete f-ing drain that I'm not doing anything in my free time except falling asleep on the couch in front of reruns of Scrubs. And it's not the normal hum-drums, as my sister would say. I feel like my head is in a vice that is constantly being tightened. The economy is really getting to me. I have a good job with a decent salary, and I am just getting by. My heating bill was $260 last month, so I turned the heat down even further. (It was already really, really low.) I don't know, it's getting to me. This isn't living.
Every meeting I've been in this week I find myself drifting off thinking about life. Real life. I've always enjoyed banking and felt like I was able to make a contribution that was meaningful to me. I think that's still possible in some capacity, but I don't know if it is in my current position. I won't write about work in particular here, but I'll just say that I feel totally caught up in the stress of pending layoffs* and the meaningless of the day-to-day.
Not traveling lately is really getting to me. I was listening to a favorite mixed CD on the way to work this morning and Angels and Airwaves Everything's Magic came on. Torture. I listened to this song everyday in Europe during my last trip and almost came out of my seat with excitement during the beginning of the song. I have the strongest positive associations with it. Hearing it again was a quick high and then a grouchy low, and a memory of a time when I felt really alive.
I don't know if I'm quickly becoming finished with upstate NY, or if I just need a strong drink, but I'm not having fun. I'm broke and chained to my job and a little lonely and over the routine I have.
And yet I do get caught up in the comfort of my house and my tiny little village. I love spending time at home. I love curling up on the couch with the animal and a book or ten and listening to the familiar noises. I really do. But something isn't working lately.
So I'm sitting in meetings everyday and you can cut the tension with a knife, and everything is serious as a heart attack, and people are raising their voices, and I'm thinking - I will kill myself if I'm doing this in five years. And I don't really mean banking or business or attending meetings. I don't really know what I mean. But it has something to do with taking shit seriously that is really meaningless, and living in this cycle of receiving my paycheck so I can pay my bills so I can heat my house so I can live comfortably (if not a bit chilly) so I can go to work and get my paycheck. And to add insult to injury, I think I'm finally old enough for this to be an official midlife crisis.
*It's probably the pending goddamn layoffs. That is some stressful shit.