Riding on the Merry-go-Round

I wore my boots to work this morning, and then put them on again to run an errand at lunch, and again to come home. It's crazy - I know that adults wear boots, but I haven't worn them since I was small and needed moon boots to walk to school in the snow in Central Washington. Wearing them now makes me feel like I'm eight years old.

I've been in constant mental conflict lately. It's exhausting. The idea was that I would be a banker and make enough money not following my bliss that I could do what I really want - like volunteer and travel the world - in my free time. And up until recently it's worked out extremely well. But work lately is such a complete f-ing drain that I'm not doing anything in my free time except falling asleep on the couch in front of reruns of Scrubs. And it's not the normal hum-drums, as my sister would say. I feel like my head is in a vice that is constantly being tightened. The economy is really getting to me. I have a good job with a decent salary, and I am just getting by. My heating bill was $260 last month, so I turned the heat down even further. (It was already really, really low.) I don't know, it's getting to me. This isn't living.

Every meeting I've been in this week I find myself drifting off thinking about life. Real life. I've always enjoyed banking and felt like I was able to make a contribution that was meaningful to me. I think that's still possible in some capacity, but I don't know if it is in my current position. I won't write about work in particular here, but I'll just say that I feel totally caught up in the stress of pending layoffs* and the meaningless of the day-to-day. 

Not traveling lately is really getting to me. I was listening to a favorite mixed CD on the way to work this morning and Angels and Airwaves Everything's Magic came on. Torture. I listened to this song everyday in Europe during my last trip and almost came out of my seat with excitement during the beginning of the song. I have the strongest positive associations with it. Hearing it again was a quick high and then a grouchy low, and a memory of a time when I felt really alive.

I don't know if I'm quickly becoming finished with upstate NY, or if I just need a strong drink, but I'm not having fun. I'm broke and chained to my job and a little lonely and over the routine I have. 

And yet I do get caught up in the comfort of my house and my tiny little village. I love spending time at home. I love curling up on the couch with the animal and a book or ten and listening to the familiar noises. I really do. But something isn't working lately. 

So I'm sitting in meetings everyday and you can cut the tension with a knife, and everything is serious as a heart attack, and people are raising their voices, and I'm thinking - I will kill myself if I'm doing this in five years. And I don't really mean banking or business or attending meetings. I don't really know what I mean. But it has something to do with taking shit seriously that is really meaningless, and living in this cycle of receiving my paycheck so I can pay my bills so I can heat my house so I can live comfortably (if not a bit chilly) so I can go to work and get my paycheck. And to add insult to injury, I think I'm finally old enough for this to be an official midlife crisis. 

*It's probably the pending goddamn layoffs. That is some stressful shit.