Now, I find that so strange. I'm 38, single, barren, unemployed, and rapidly depleting my entire life savings. I live 3,000 miles from my best friend, my seestor, and despite having lived in Portland before, I don't have that many friends here. But right then I felt a pinch-me, is this really my life? kind of happiness. And I genuinely don't feel that all the time, or even often, but I felt it intensely on Sunday. Maybe it's just an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I don't know. It felt good.
I have my second surfing lesson on Wednesday. I'm so nervous! I'm scared that I'll be terrible, that I'll totally fail, that I'll break surfing for everyone. I'll be so bad that no one, anywhere, will ever be able to surf again. That is my fear. I hope I have the guts to go through with it. I hope it's a good experience.
I started a DreamWeaver class at the local CC last week. It's exciting. I like the tiny bit of HTML that I know, and I thought that class would be a neat way to see if there is even an ounce of creativity left in me, or if 15 years of banking has killed every right-brain impulse I ever had. I was so excited to get the book and the software and start on our first assignment . . . and I couldn't figure it out. It completely stumped me. The task was an HTML review and I screwed around with it for several hours over several days. I was really getting down about it - surely I wasn't up for the class if I couldn't do the first assignment. I e-mailed the instructor and didn't understand her reply. Ugh. The whole time I had a feeling my problem was with the extension on my saved file, but I couldn't get anything to work.
Well, I'm still doing my One to One Apple sessions (and will be for the foreseeable future - there's the cutest Genius at that location, at least 6'6" and totally gorgeous) and I had an iMovie session last Thursday. As we got started, I took a chance and asked the guy if I could be so bold as to ask for help with my homework. He was incredibly, incredibly cool about it, and we spent at least 30 minutes working on it together! He really enjoyed the chance to work on something different, and, even better, the problem was with my extension! I was so stoked. So maybe I'll do ok with this new adventure. I'll check out my next assignment tomorrow.
Three weeks ago I started jogging at a local high school track. I'm really trying to lose weight. Not a crazy amount (although I would be fine with that), but enough to make throwing myself around on a surfboard a bit easier. I also find that running is the one exercise that I don't completely hate and I might even like it a little. I have pretty intense shin splints and always have to come home and throw bags of frozen broccoli on my shins, and I think I will ask my doc about them just to be sure, but this guy kicked the shit out of me using them as an excuse to not go. I started out running in the mornings but have lately switched to evenings, and I'm having a great time running at 9-ish each night, watching the sun set and the moon rise. The field is gorgeous and the sky feels huge around me. I look forward to it every day.
I don't really know all the implications or what this exactly means, and it comes and goes, but I'm realizing that I feel less stress right now than I think I have in the past ten years. Maybe twenty. I have times of intense fear about what comes next, and what if nothing comes next, and what if, what if, what if. The potential for this story to end in a bad way is probably pretty high. But for the first time in so long I don't experience the Sunday night anxiety about starting a new week, and I don't have my mind race with meeting details when I'm trying to sleep, and I don't have even one tiny piece of my brain dedicated to office politics or bosses that I hate. It's truly a new feeling for me. I think it's what I've always tried to cram into a weekend or a week-long vacation somewhere, but it never really works. I think I'm refueling in a deep way. It feels good.