Sunday, May 29, 2016

Love Yours

I was laid off from the bank last November, and, after six months, I found another position and went back to work two weeks ago. (Same company, different position.) It's unsettling. The whole thing. I hated the first week, although I think that was mostly dealing with an alarm clock again. I hated the second week slightly less than the first, and there were a couple enjoyable moments. I hope it keeps getting better.

The time off was crazy. In a way it felt like walking in circles for six months. Even though it's not uncommon for the industry and even though I've been through it before, this lay off felt more personal (it wasn't), scarier, more confusing than the last. I'm probably forgetting how difficult it was before.

Last summer, I had surgery on my foot - I guess I mentioned it months ago when I blogged. Jesus, it was an ordeal. It didn't heal correctly (or something) and now it's a year later and I still limp, still have significant pain, still alternate between hope and desperation. I'm 45 now; will it never feel better than it does now? That worries me. I've had little aches and pains before, but I've never had this.

This is kind of strange - I don't know if it's the pain that comes from moving around or aging or what, but I've started these new hobbies that are all very old lady-like. I've been sewing a bit for about 5 years now. I signed up for a couple knitting classes. (I want to start a Knitting Behind Bars chapter here but I need to learn more before I can teach others.) I'm finishing up an 8-week calligraphy class and have registered for a few additional weekend classes to learn additional hands (fonts.) It's very meditative work, in a way. It demands your presence. I'm enjoying all of these old lady activities.

While I was off, I spent a bunch of time with friends and then a bunch of time alone. I went home to see my mom once, up to see my nephews and brother twice, and my sister visited once. There was a lake house weekend with the girls. I took about 6 weeks of yoga classes - the first time I've done that since The Great Unemployment of 2009/2010 when I learned to surf. I watched TV. I ate a lot of ice cream, I drank more whiskey than was necessary. I laid outside in the unseasonably hot sunshine day after day.

Something inside of me has changed, is changing. Has it just been in the past year? My mom understands, my sister feels it, too. I can't really explain it, but it's this slight shift from goals and challenges, out there and future - to now. I don't know. The passing of time is more apparent than ever; it's almost a constant awareness. Life feels short. I'm trying to let go of things that bother me. Life seems harder than ever - not really mine; I just feel like I see that, or I sense that. And I want to enjoy what I have while I have it and not take the good things for granted. What else can you do? I like that saying, something like - appreciate what you have before it becomes what you had. Trite, I guess, but it speaks to me.

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