(It's not Lawrence Welk Fridays, but what can ya do?)
Lately in therapy I've been performing an autopsy on an old relationship. I notice that many of the negative messages that I give myself seem to stem back to this one situation, so I've been thinking specifically about what happened and trying to see what I can learn from it.
The relationship was my longest at three years, and today I was remembering when I moved into his house, shortly after we started dating. I still traveled in religious circles at the time, and my large group of friends and my family members, almost without exception, permanently stopped speaking to me because I was suddenly a fornicator. I'm sure they were justified in their reasoning. You know the Bible passage that talks about God being love? Wait, that isn't that one. It was the one where Jesus chose to hang with sinners rather than saints. No, it wasn't that one. It must have been the one where Jesus invites those without sin to throw stones. Hmm. Well, anyway, I'm sure they had a good reason.
What I was thinking of today was the process of moving into his house, bringing all of my boxes inside, and how it took just about a day to unpack everything. I knew this relationship was it, and that we would be together forever. We seemed to click on so many levels, and I felt that I'd found the real deal - a person who appreciated who I was at the core. I felt the same way about him - there was no laundry list of things to try to change or "fix" - I wanted to be with him for who he really was. It was the kind of thing I'd dreamt about, but wasn't even sure existed. And I'd found it. I remember feeling confident and lucky.
And yet that day while he was somewhere else in the house unpacking my clothes and I was downstairs putting my CDs in with his, I remember sneakily putting tiny white stickers on the back of all my CD cases before I mixed the collections. You know, just in case. This strikes me as hilarious now - I was willing to give my heart away, but not my Blink-182. And I would have done the same thing with my books, but he didn't have any. (Red flag #1?) Good times.
White stickers on your CDs--I like that. I probably wouldn't over-think it, though. It's like every time I get on a plane, I scope out where I'm sitting in relation to the exits. I *know* the plane isn't going to crash, but just in case...
ReplyDeleteA fornicator?! Heavens! I'm going to have to remove your link from my blog! And you exposed your lack of knowledge of the Bible--you were looking for Genesis 23: "A painted vest Prince Voltiger had on, Which from a naked Pict his grandsire won." No, that's not it...damnit!
Trust me, that plane crashed.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had done the same thing...with the stickers. I lost a lot of CD's and DVD's over the years.
ReplyDeleteif i had only read your blog before my last big breakup, then maybe i could have held on to a lot more stuff than was lost in the more emotional, less sensical distribution.
ReplyDeleteYup, I too have lost a ton of "Christian" friends through the years. I'm still searching, too, for the right scripture to back that up. My faith is so much deeper and more clear today than it was at that shallow, pointed, narrow point in my life. And, you should have been there the day that my mother, age 70, announced that she was moving to Florida to live with a man that she had known way back in 1944! And, they weren't married (yet)! Wow...the accusations and scripture flew at her. They're happily married now. He's amazing. So is she.
ReplyDeleteAhhhA First of all I dont like to think of you as a fornicator , I like to think of you as my lil jezabelle . secondly , and perhaps the most important, seriously you dated a guy........ NAY LIVED WITH A MAN who had no books. I think that brings you up a notch or two to wonton floozy . :)
ReplyDeleteP.S. Shhesssshhh a guy goes away for 2 days of off from work time and you become quite the little blogger!!!!! Good for you . :)
p.p.s. ( or p.s.s., I can never remember how that goes) I am not sure, but I think, that even though the white stickers is a good idea. It was really a type A thing hiding inside a good idea . :)
ReplyDeleteI am soo glad I found your blog !
Iris & West - it's true that you can end up losing a lot of stuff, isn't it? And you don't really notice until later when you think, "Where did I put that ---?" And then you realize - oh. Right.
ReplyDeleteLewis - I love the story about your mom! You've gotta live life! We only go around once. She must be a strong person. And I really appreciate that you can relate to being betrayed by "Christian" friends. I think it's something that you don't anticipate if you tend to be on the trusting, naive side of things, and it hurts when it happens. And I agree - where I am now is so much better than that old, narrow point-of-view.
Scottk - I love these comments :) I like being your little Jezebel. And, I know, about dating a non-reader, WHAT WAS I THINKING? That's almost worse than anything else. And you're spot on - I think the sticker thing was an early manifestation of the Type A tendencies that were still to come. You nailed that one!
red flag #1, absolutely. it's the thing i loved about my husband above any other: he reads. praise the lord :-)
ReplyDeleteI was remembering when I moved into his house, shortly after we started dating. oh honey, we are sisters, really.
God being love? Wait, that isn't that one. It was the one where Jesus chose to hang with sinners rather than saints. No, it wasn't that one. It must have been the one where Jesus invites those without sin to throw stones. hysterical.