I've Never Even Seen That Movie

I'm not quite done with Adam yet. For the record, his tally sheet is referencing the number of times a day he thinks, "I don't recall how I ever lived without Long Story Longer." Take me to bed or lose me forever, Adam.

I'm struggling with work and life lately. (Less of a struggle, more of a wiggle, which is a small struggle.) I'm slowly, s-l-o-w-l-y, learning the business. I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to get up to speed quicker, but I think the pressure is coming mostly from myself. Tonight I asked a senior manager for some advice on a particular issue, and in his answer he included a few comments about why he thinks I'm so qualified for the job and how he thinks I'm doing great. It was surprising and very good to hear.

I can't believe how much energy work takes. And I'm only working about 45 or so hours a week! I'm exhausted all week long, and can barely drag my ass to and from work on time, much less work on other projects; much, much less get myself on my elliptical machine. The other day I found myself in a Wendy's drive-through for the first time, and I swear this is true, since Bible College in probably 1990. I know that standing in traffic is probably healthier than going to Wendy's, but it's absolutely all I can do to pull my nylons on and put my shoes on the right foot every day. I've gained several pounds in the last six weeks and it's got me thinking there's a special place in hell for those who don't struggle with their weight.

I have some fairly complex employee issues going on and it's testing me. Who can I trust? It's lonely at the top in the middle. I feel so unsure of myself and, especially as I make employee decisions, I feel a huge burden to make sure I'm being fair all the time. It's always so ironic - the employees aren't concerned with being fair to me as they spread nastiness about me around the office. But I tell myself that I want to sleep at night, so I leave them to take the low road. (Actually, if I could retaliate without getting caught, I probably would. I guess that's not exactly the high road.)

This line of business is so technical. There are so many parts to learn. I was on a conference call today and one of my employees introduced me to the other participants by saying, "My new manager is here with us" and for just a second I thought (looking right and left), where? Oh, me? God, am I driving this bus? It's so important to know what I'm doing in order to gain respect and build rapport, but very little of my past experience is helping me in this role. It's about 99% new. That's so hard for me. Poop, I've said "so" about 100 times in this post. Can you feel the earnestness? God, I'm sick of myself.

I was headed to a Levi Kreis concert in a couple of weeks - one goddamn concert - and it just got cancelled tonight. I really need something to look forward to, but I can't take any time off work for another two months (company policy.) Where can I go for a weekend that is close but makes me feel a million miles away?

In other news, I think I get paid again on Thursday. Getting a paycheck is crazy. You're going along in the day and suddenly there's money in your bank account. It's nuts. I highly recommend it.