Tuesday, May 1, 2007

In Which She Decides Working Just Isn't For Her

What is up with working? It's been fun and everything, I guess, but I'm ready to be done now. I know this is more of me and my first-world problems, but I am getting so grouchy, so sleep deprived, so sluggish; I can't see anything good coming of this whole "job" thing.

Here's a story that's too personal for the Internet: This morning I was having a dream about having to pee, which is what I do when I have to pee but I'm so exhausted that I don't actually wake up, and when I finally woke up I went into the bathroom, sat down on the toilet, got up from the toilet, washed my hands and went back to bed. As I started to drift off I realized that I still had to go to the bathroom. Yes, I forgot to pee. That's sleep deprivation.

Yesterday during a meeting that is in the running for the worst use of time in the history of Western Civilization, my contact lens jumped out of my head three times. I felt like it was trying to break free, tired of my bloodshot eyes and stinky attitude.

This weekend, while trying to gently coax myself out of my pajamas at 2:00 on Sunday afternoon, I tried to remember that it takes a long time to make friends in a new city, and it takes a long time to adjust to a new job. I told myself that if I just make the effort, I'll continue to adjust to Upstate, to it's shitty weather, and to my new daily routine. Later I realized that, while I know those things are true, I want to be happy and satisfied in the meantime. I don't want to wait until I find friends or understand my new line of business (people are saying it takes years!) to enjoy life or be peaceful. So that's the new task, figuring out how to live in the meantime. I know I'll figure it out, but it's a little painful right now. (For you all, too, I know.)


  1. Tomorrow might be better or if not then believe that the day after will be.

    Remember, "Then, when it seems we will never smile again, life comes back . . ."

  2. adjusting does take time. it's difficult! and you know what? working blows. why can't we get paid to be cute and lounge around in our pjs?

    it's so bogus.

  3. A shame that networking new friends isn't a paid position.

  4. Until you get adjusted at least find peace in knowing we're all out here, reading what you have to say, interested and lending moral support. :-)

  5. Im SO with you on the work thing. Over It. (I know, I have no right to say that after my last year of time off/job-hunting/disgust - but hey, screw it, that's me). Why can't I be Paris Fucking Hilton?!? But with bigger, cooler dogs? And a much more handsome albeit scruffier face? "Don't I deserve happiness? And jewelry?" (Poorly paraphrased from Joan Cusack's "Debbie" character in "Addams Family Values").

    I'm completely with you, LSL. Let's have virtual Martini Nights together. You pick the night that you're usually feeling the crappiest, and I will e-mail you something to make you smile. Promise.

  6. I was just thinking about you...
    I mentioned in my last post on Confessions... Quit that corporate world that is sucking the life out of you like a vanpire... and go work with Children.... every post you make about the children from Japan make you soooo happy.... aren't there any japaneese american schools there you can work at?

  7. At least you didn't pee in the bed! I've been meaning to get a link up for ya, so now it's up. I've been way too self-absorbed over the last little while.

    Getting to a job with no sleep is really shitty! Hope you can tough it out.

  8. i'm so sorry you're having to struggle here. there has to be a better way than work.

    Eric Brende, an MIT graduate, took a year off to live in a low tech from the land community. Wrote a book about it: Better Off: Flipping the Switch on Technology.

    If you're not too exhausted, you might snag that one from the library and give it a read. I found it very inspirational, but also ended up with a longing for a kind of simplicity that is impossible, given my partnering. Sigh. Always with the tradeoffs.

    On the other hand, be glad you didn't have one of those dreams after which you woke up wet. After a particularly exhausting 24 hour period completely without sleep last year, I had one of those dreams. I'd not had one since I was a bitty girl and it was absolutely stunning. So real, the cool feel of the bowl, the impression of the seat against my fanny. Blessed relief . . . and then the wetness.

    I have now just admitted that I wet my bed a year ago as the result of complete exhaustion. Good God, what's next? ;-)

  9. It took me two years to adjust to living in a new area and a big new city. It's tough. (That's me validating your pain. Would you like a Valium and a bottle of wine instead?)

    And for the lovely gal who suggested getting out of the corporate world--Oh, oh, ohhhhhhhh, don't think for one minute that doing work you "love" in the non-profit or helping fields doesn't also suck your will to live at times. Or even most of the time. Work is work, after all.

    One more piece of validation--it's ok to have first-world problems. In fact, we revel in them here. We have a whole industry of self-help gurus waiting to help you through it. :)

  10. LOL, forgetting to pee? At least you didn't find yourself peeing into a cup in the middle of the night because you were dreaming of camping. Don't ask ;-)

    Have a great weekend!