Sunday, May 20, 2007

Tiny Light Bulb

This is more of a note to self than anything else, but through conversations with very patient friends, meditating while having a kick-ass workout tonight (thank you, Robbie Williams), and the Hour Power Shower that followed, I realized that at work right now I'm too worried about being liked. (I just wrote "licked" and then erased it. I'm not worried about being licked. Not at this point. I'll let you know when I am.)

It's more internal than external. But I think there's something going on where I'm worrying about fitting in, about being liked and accepted, and it's interfering with my ability to just be confident and go forward and do the right thing. In work, in life. I think I believe that my task in life is to be myself and remember that everything else is outside of the realm of my control. Because honestly, if I truly start worrying about what other people think, the implications are exponential. But I've lost that lately and it's been unsettling.

It fits, of course. Same old story - moving to the East Coast, not knowing anyone, having looked for a job for so long before landing this one. Everything feels very tentative, and slightly too good to be true, and I just know that god is waiting for me to get really comfortable having a paycheck and feeling good about taking the huge step of quitting my job in Japan (which was the equivalent of leaving an abusive relationship) before he rips the carpet out from under me. Poor god, getting blamed for all the messed up authority figures and scary church people in my life. Oh, well. He can take it.

I don't really know what it all means or what I do now, but I know that I have to be myself. God knows I'd like to be someone else sometimes - someone more confident, more beautiful, smarter; I could go on. But I know I need to go to work tomorrow inhabiting my own body and making my own choices, and then whatever happens, happens. It's a tiny light bulb, but for now it will do.


  1. Eureka. Those butterfly wings are taking shape and adding color.

  2. Somehow I have a feeling people like you. :-)

  3. I don't think there are many people in this world who don't, in some way, worry about people liking them. I don't really want to know them if they don't.

    But you ARE liked. It doesn't matter if everyone who comes across you thinks you're a goddess. The ones who DO know it, know it. And you should be one of them.

    I'm totally blanking on this quote, but there's a cool one that reads something like: "Who am I to be beautiful? Actually, who am I NOT to be?" Something about accepting the fact that you are meant to be shining and beautiful and the best and only "you" that you are. You are a fabulous person who owes it to herself to be just that. Just accept it. Realize that I'm always right and you'll be much better off. ;)

  4. that lightbulb shines pretty bright for it being tiny. good for you!

    don't worry about being licked, i am way over here across the country. ;)

  5. I can't wait to read the post when you are worried about being licked...

    I think stopping the worring about what people think and not comparing yourself to other people are the two greatest things you can ever do for yourself, your self esteem, and your ability to really have relationships with other people...

    But you know that... you are confident... you were just gong through a weird thing... Glad you snapped out of it...

    It's a bottomless blackwhole that can suck anyone into it...

    You Rock!!!

  6. so how has it gone this week? starting a new job is always rough. a year or so from now, you'll probably look back and think what the hell? why was i fretting so?

    or maybe not, but i do think this will all level out.

    as michael said, i think people probably like you a lot.

  7. The tiny light bulbs,I think, are the best. Because they can get to places that the big ones can't and illuminate those dark places. And sometimes the big lightbulbs just expose to much to quickly. Relish your tiny one, it seemed to show you good things. When and if you get licked (or are worried about it) I would like to be informed . :)

  8. LSL-
    Get outta the minor "more" zone and really set your goals to be the MOST confident, THE smartest, MOST beautiful. etc.

    Of course, you cannot be the most confident person in the entire world and the smartest person in the entire world and the most beautiful person in the entire world. Let me know if you ever figure out who is because I'd like to challenge them to a contest to see if they are the ultimate Human Being.

    Until that day, freakin' cut yourself some slack.

  9. It's Wednesday and I hope you are feeling better.

    choragus has a point. Be gentler on yourself. Stay safe.

  10. Thank you for that. I've had a not so good couple of days and what may have been your little light bulb illuminated some things for me and made the rest of this day seem less troublesome. So perhaps your little light was larger than you thought.