This is more of a note to self than anything else, but through conversations with very patient friends, meditating while having a kick-ass workout tonight (thank you, Robbie Williams), and the Hour Power Shower that followed, I realized that at work right now I'm too worried about being liked. (I just wrote "licked" and then erased it. I'm not worried about being licked. Not at this point. I'll let you know when I am.)
It's more internal than external. But I think there's something going on where I'm worrying about fitting in, about being liked and accepted, and it's interfering with my ability to just be confident and go forward and do the right thing. In work, in life. I think I believe that my task in life is to be myself and remember that everything else is outside of the realm of my control. Because honestly, if I truly start worrying about what other people think, the implications are exponential. But I've lost that lately and it's been unsettling.
It fits, of course. Same old story - moving to the East Coast, not knowing anyone, having looked for a job for so long before landing this one. Everything feels very tentative, and slightly too good to be true, and I just know that god is waiting for me to get really comfortable having a paycheck and feeling good about taking the huge step of quitting my job in Japan (which was the equivalent of leaving an abusive relationship) before he rips the carpet out from under me. Poor god, getting blamed for all the messed up authority figures and scary church people in my life. Oh, well. He can take it.
I don't really know what it all means or what I do now, but I know that I have to be myself. God knows I'd like to be someone else sometimes - someone more confident, more beautiful, smarter; I could go on. But I know I need to go to work tomorrow inhabiting my own body and making my own choices, and then whatever happens, happens. It's a tiny light bulb, but for now it will do.