I don't think this is going to come out right, but I want to attempt to express it just in case the process of attempting can help me figure out what I'm feeling.
I'm having a hard time being myself lately. I don't know what else to say. I'm finding myself around a lot of insincere, inauthentic people and it's freaking me out. I think this has something to do with growing up in a violent, alcoholic household (not as fun as it sounds) and having my perception of reality routinely questioned (the whole pink elephant thing.)
It's not making sense yet, is it?
In general, it takes a lot of work for me to be one person, all of the time, no matter who I'm around. I try to stay pretty honest and say what's real, even if it's difficult or makes me feel overly vulnerable. And even though that means it's going to come out wrong sometimes, which, trust me, it does. I try hard specifically to be genuine. That's not to say that I'm not guarded at times. But I concentrate on maintaining the ability to let both the good and the bad in without hiding from either.
So I don't know. Something is freaking me out lately and it has something to do with everything I just said. I'm kind of figuring out that I can't really trust several folks at work that I thought I could. Nothing major, and I don't think this really has much to do with work itself, but maybe it's about trying to negotiate through another really new situation, and still feeling a bit of leftover trauma from adjusting to and from Japan. It also has something to do with this - I have a couple of friends in pretty bad, mildly abusive relationships right now. It's messing with my mind to see them go on and on, and to see these people totally give away who they are, and this has something to do with the whole pink elephant thing, too.
I think this also comes into play - I'm getting a pretty positive (overwhelmingly so, I think) response from a lot of my employees. They trust me already, and I care about them already. It's fun; I love connecting with people in real ways. Again, it's not really about work, but just about people and interaction and connection. In Japan especially some of my employees were like my family. I feel a little confused to have been so close with those people and now to have other people in their places. It's not really about that, I guess. It's more about the transition. Where am I? There's just no way I can really describe the whole expat/repat thing. Earlier today I decided I was too exhausted to cook, and that I'd just pick up CoCo's curry on the way home.
CoCo's is in Hiroshima.
Maybe it all means that I'm just feeling the effects of going through so many changes in the past year plus, and I'm looking at my weird situation (new job, new city, new house, being alone) and hoping to hell it's going to work out somehow.
I also think I'm working out some faith issues (this is called Losing My Religion, Part II, or maybe part 100) and god is a hugely loaded issue for me. The dead bigot is bringing up bad memories.
I need a vacation. And a drink. Bad.
In a way, working this kind of bullshit out makes me feel more hopeful and more like myself than anything else. I know I'm a very intense person. I can't help it.
On Monday at work an older woman who works in another department stopped me while we were passing in the hallway. She said, "You're not from around here, are you?" I had no idea where she was going with it, but I said, "No, I'm not. Why?" And she said, cute as a button, "'Cause you is a breath of fresh air." It's sweet, isn't it?
And tonight on the way out of the building I started a conversation with an older associate who is visiting from our NYC offices. We chatted for about fifteen minutes and as I was about to say goodnight and walk away she said, "You have such a great personality. Thanks for talking with me." I was surprised that she was so kind, and also that she would put herself out there like that to a stranger.
In other news, last Friday night I got roped into participating in a charity bowl-a-thon with about 100 coworkers. We bowled for a few hours (This was maybe the third time I've bowled in my life; I got a 62 on one game - that's bad, for all you non-bowlers out there) and then went to a local bar for a few more hours. It was SO FUN, SOOOO FUN, more fun than I've had in a long time, and it reminded me of the crazy karaoke sessions we would have in Japan.
Gawd, I'm exhausted. Thanks specifically for the three comments on my last post. They were so nice and accepting. I don't think any of this makes sense to me yet, but thanks for listening. What supportive peeps you are.
Wow, this all sounds like the transformation of a caterpillar into a butterfly. (I'm old now and don't remember the scientific term for this that I used to know in school.)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Glenn, I'll take it. Anything besides, "Wow, this all sounds like we need to find an inpatient facility for you" works for me.
ReplyDeleteyou're figuring it out, even if it doesn't feel like it or if it isn't fast enough. this is a huge transition! be gentle with yourself. you know what is right for you.
ReplyDeletei totally get that part about the pink elephant and also about being an intense person.
i wish we lived closer. i think we'd be fast friends! you do have a great personality- it's very warm and inviting.
When I read this entry it reminds me of how I feel after returning home from a really good vacation....I miss the place where I was, I miss the people I was with, I feel like I belong back there and don't want to be back in my reality. It's depressing...but we work through it and soon we forget and jump back into our day to day life - that is IF you want to jump back in? Or...is it that you thought you wanted this life, but you have been there and done that already and really should be somewhere else? Lots of thinking going on...
ReplyDeleteI can relate a bit to what you're going through. As an actor and a singer I used to work out of town a lot. I'd go away for a month or two, get very close to the people was working with and the the next thing I knew I'd be back in New York home alone in my apartment. With all the back and forth it's hard to maintain friendships and any kind of consistency in your life. I figured out that I needed to set aside time to do something I really loved that helped me remember who I am. For me it was cooking. I find it theraputic, especially if I'm making a family recipe. It helps ground me.
ReplyDeleteI know you're not a big cook, but it could be anything, any hobby: writing or scrapbooking or gardening--whatever. Just make it something you love that's a part of who you are. I don't know if any of this makes sense or will even work for you, but that's what helps me cope when I feel lost. Thanks for reading my unsolicited advice. I hope it helps.
Good luck and keep us posted. :-)
Ah, doesn't the phrase "grew up in an alcoholic, abusive home" just make ya wanna go bake some apple pie?
ReplyDeleteI have found that relationship patterns, particularly the dysfunctional ones, are just as likely to be found at work as in our personal lives. It must be so difficult for you to have discomfort at work (bringing up childhood crap), watching people you care about put up with abuse (more triggers) and dealing with non-stop chatter about the dead bigot (more ouch). All of this piled on top of moving back to the States? Oy vey.
The fact that you are still able to write, to feel and to negotiate this new landscape is beyond impressive. I hope you feel proud of yourself. You should. :)
Your constant genuineness is something i've always admired about you... Those who you are closest to no doubt depend on that from you.
ReplyDeletePeople's ourward appreciation of who you are doeesn't suprise me one bit... i know you have a powerful impact on most everyone you meet. Even if you don't know it... Even if at the time, they don't know it....
Some people have it, and some people don't... i don't know what it's called... but you have it...
It's magnetic... it's powerful... you're a force for good and an influence where ever you are...
Nothing but love for ya....
I can always be a supportive peep!
ReplyDeleteThe first part of your post - the part you asked if it made any sense yet?
ReplyDeleteIt made perfect sense. Sounds like you're discovering yet something more about yourself, and that's beautiful.
So far I've found that every obstacle that I work through means unexpected growth. Go with it.
"'Cause you is a breath of fresh air." It's sweet, isn't it?
ReplyDeletethat IS sweet and it is undoubtedly true. believe it.
In my advanced age of 30s++, I have decided that I don't have to be the same person to everyone all the time. In fact, it used to bother me that clearly I could not be myself with certain people - ex-boyfriends, people I thought had wronged me. I have since decided that IS the real me.
ReplyDeleteSome people just annoy me or piss me off - or seem untrustworthy - or for whatever reason have no longer earned the right to be around my jolly, happy self. I'm accepting me however I am with whoever I'm with, even if it's not how I was with the last person I was talking to.
That's my current theory. Something to think about?
In my advanced age of 30s++, I have decided that I don't have to be the same person to everyone all the time. In fact, it used to bother me that clearly I could not be myself with certain people - ex-boyfriends, people I thought had wronged me. I have since decided that IS the real me.
ReplyDeleteSome people just annoy me or piss me off - or seem untrustworthy - or for whatever reason have no longer earned the right to be around my jolly, happy self. I'm accepting me however I am with whoever I'm with, even if it's not how I was with the last person I was talking to.
That's my current theory. Something to think about?
Wow... Thanks for sharing all that... I am ashamed it's taken me so long to read it.
ReplyDeleteBut I do hear something very distinctly... It's a Piano Bar in Vegas... and it's calling your name! And mine too! Now that just *has* to be fate. ;)
You are rad, and so real; I've told you that before, and I'm glad to see others are appreciating you for who you are as well. :) Love you girl!
Oh ya and one more thing: Coco's!!! Awwwwwwww! :)
ReplyDelete