I don't think this is going to come out right, but I want to attempt to express it just in case the process of attempting can help me figure out what I'm feeling.
I'm having a hard time being myself lately. I don't know what else to say. I'm finding myself around a lot of insincere, inauthentic people and it's freaking me out. I think this has something to do with growing up in a violent, alcoholic household (not as fun as it sounds) and having my perception of reality routinely questioned (the whole pink elephant thing.)
It's not making sense yet, is it?
In general, it takes a lot of work for me to be one person, all of the time, no matter who I'm around. I try to stay pretty honest and say what's real, even if it's difficult or makes me feel overly vulnerable. And even though that means it's going to come out wrong sometimes, which, trust me, it does. I try hard specifically to be genuine. That's not to say that I'm not guarded at times. But I concentrate on maintaining the ability to let both the good and the bad in without hiding from either.
So I don't know. Something is freaking me out lately and it has something to do with everything I just said. I'm kind of figuring out that I can't really trust several folks at work that I thought I could. Nothing major, and I don't think this really has much to do with work itself, but maybe it's about trying to negotiate through another really new situation, and still feeling a bit of leftover trauma from adjusting to and from Japan. It also has something to do with this - I have a couple of friends in pretty bad, mildly abusive relationships right now. It's messing with my mind to see them go on and on, and to see these people totally give away who they are, and this has something to do with the whole pink elephant thing, too.
I think this also comes into play - I'm getting a pretty positive (overwhelmingly so, I think) response from a lot of my employees. They trust me already, and I care about them already. It's fun; I love connecting with people in real ways. Again, it's not really about work, but just about people and interaction and connection. In Japan especially some of my employees were like my family. I feel a little confused to have been so close with those people and now to have other people in their places. It's not really about that, I guess. It's more about the transition. Where am I? There's just no way I can really describe the whole expat/repat thing. Earlier today I decided I was too exhausted to cook, and that I'd just pick up CoCo's curry on the way home.
CoCo's is in Hiroshima.
Maybe it all means that I'm just feeling the effects of going through so many changes in the past year plus, and I'm looking at my weird situation (new job, new city, new house, being alone) and hoping to hell it's going to work out somehow.
I also think I'm working out some faith issues (this is called Losing My Religion, Part II, or maybe part 100) and god is a hugely loaded issue for me. The dead bigot is bringing up bad memories.
I need a vacation. And a drink. Bad.
In a way, working this kind of bullshit out makes me feel more hopeful and more like myself than anything else. I know I'm a very intense person. I can't help it.
On Monday at work an older woman who works in another department stopped me while we were passing in the hallway. She said, "You're not from around here, are you?" I had no idea where she was going with it, but I said, "No, I'm not. Why?" And she said, cute as a button, "'Cause you is a breath of fresh air." It's sweet, isn't it?
And tonight on the way out of the building I started a conversation with an older associate who is visiting from our NYC offices. We chatted for about fifteen minutes and as I was about to say goodnight and walk away she said, "You have such a great personality. Thanks for talking with me." I was surprised that she was so kind, and also that she would put herself out there like that to a stranger.
In other news, last Friday night I got roped into participating in a charity bowl-a-thon with about 100 coworkers. We bowled for a few hours (This was maybe the third time I've bowled in my life; I got a 62 on one game - that's bad, for all you non-bowlers out there) and then went to a local bar for a few more hours. It was SO FUN, SOOOO FUN, more fun than I've had in a long time, and it reminded me of the crazy karaoke sessions we would have in Japan.
Gawd, I'm exhausted. Thanks specifically for the three comments on my last post. They were so nice and accepting. I don't think any of this makes sense to me yet, but thanks for listening. What supportive peeps you are.