Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Super Duper Wednesday

I had a really great time in Philly and NY. I'm going to write about it in detail because the Mika concerts were too good to be true and I want to remember them, and the time away was really great. A friend was going to meet me, but that didn't work out. It ended up being a good thing - I feel so good and so grounded walking around new neighborhoods alone, getting off the subway at a random stop and seeing what adventure waits for me, just one person in a million. (Or ten million.) I woke up early each morning and got out right away to make the most of my time. I walked forever and each day around 1:00 or 2:00 I'd remember that I'd forgotten to eat breakfast, so I'd stop in the next place I came upon that looked interesting (that $5 egg sandwich at Vesuvio Bakery was to die for - fresh baked, hot bread) and grab something. It's those kinds of things that make me realize how much I enjoy traveling alone. With a partner it would be: What do you want to do for breakfast? I don't know, what do you want to do? Well, I don't know, what sounds good? And then four hours later, What should we do for lunch? or Where do you want to go now? How about now? I always think of that - how the adventures that I have, and I always have adventures, happen because I'm unscheduled and open to them; I just go with the flow. I'm afraid that wouldn't really happen with a partner. (I'm never going to get married, am I?) So I'll write more about my time in New York soon. I was gone five days and it felt like several weeks. Those are the good kinds of vacations.

I feel like a lot is going on. It felt amazing to actually cast a vote for Hillary on Tuesday. I'm nervous about what the final outcome will be, but enjoying every minute of the process.

I had tat appointment #8 last week. Um, ouch. I was running late this time and wasn't able to ice my leg before the treatment. WOW, that ice makes a difference. The good news is that I think I'll only need one more treatment. Boys and girls, I just can't recommend tattoos. I want to, and in between appointments or during boring evenings when I catch Miami Ink I think I'm going to, but I just can't imagine ever doing that again. There was lots of screaming.

You won't believe this, but that vacation I took last November? I still have to post about two cities - Bratislava and Budapest. I know it's old news, but I want to be sure to get it down. I'm going to try to kick that out this weekend.

Anyhoodle, the bummer is that with the great trip and everything I still feel like shit lately. I don't know what it is. The old tricks aren't working. I have a birthday next month and I was wondering if that was getting to me, but I don't think so. At some point around the holidays I lost my ability to deal and I just haven't been able to get it back. I hate parts of my job (the people, I guess, not the work) and I feel manipulated and demoralized every day. I am worrying a lot about my future and just feeling ineffective and powerless in general. I'm just not a person to get depressed, and I guess I'm depressed. It's not fun, I don't recommend it. I feel lonely, and I hear really often from a lot of supportive friends that I've had for years, but I want them to be here, in my town, meeting me after work for dinner. This is totally not what I had in mind. So I'm trying and I know I'll get there. I think it helps to a degree just to say it.

Today I had an appointment with the local AIDS support org and I'm going to start being a PLWA buddy. I'd wanted to volunteer doing hotline work - it just felt more in my comfort zone and I've done and enjoyed hotline work before - but they need buddies right now and I feel like I need to be a part of the solution, even in a small way. So I'm nervous but looking forward to starting. It will just entail weekly or biweekly trips to the grocery store, accompanying her to medical appointments, helping out with small tasks around the house. I'm hoping it will surprise me and feel like a really good fit. The person interviewing me today said over and over, "You're going to be great at this." She said things like, "You're so social (I'm not social) and easygoing (huh?), I think you're going to be great." We'll see.

Thanks for listening. I'll get there.


  1. You ARE going to be a great PLWA buddy--I'm sure of it. I was so excited to read you'll be doing that work--hopefully it will lift your spirits. The winter duldrums can sure get you down--especially in Central NY!!! Can't wait to hear all about your volunteer work. And Mika. And Budapest. And Bratislava!

  2. So fantastic to hear from you! good luck with all your doing and involved with....PLWA needs you! And I'm going to have to go back and see what tatts it is that you're having removed. Hum.

  3. isn't it interesting how others perceive us and how different it can be from how we view ourselves?

    i used to run an AIDS buddy program back in CA. it's a very good thing you are doing. i hope you get a lot out of it as well as your buddy.

  4. I agree that you're going to be a great PLWA buddy. I think you're more social and easygoing than you think. That certainly comes across to me just in writing.

  5. Wait, wait, wait! You're voting for Hilary, but D is voting for Obama.

    Who do I vote for? Which Blogger?