Sunday, July 27, 2008

Very Moving

My landlords have been assholes again lately, so this week I started looking around for apartments. While searching, I inadvertently found a cheap, cheap, cheap house less than a mile up the street from me. It's less a house than a tiny barn, or maybe let's call it a bungalow, and it's small and about a thousand years old, but it's cute and manageable and all of the important things have been completely updated and it doesn't come with misogynist landlords. I took my sister and BIL to look at it with me, and they're helping me think through whether or not it could be a good decision to try to buy it. (Very tempting to write "whether or not it's the right decision," but I don't really believe in that line of thinking. Few things are right or wrong; you just make a decision and make it work.) A friend who is smart about house-type-stuff is coming up to visit this weekend to look at the house with me. I have no idea what the next few weeks will hold.

Since finding the house and thinking through all the possibilities, I've been overwhelmed with personal insecurities and the fear of the unknown. I've been thinking about how many places I've lived in the past ten years (9), and I feel exhausted and worried and a bit lonely. I don't think this is really any kind of home buyer cold feet whatever. I feel worried that I'll move in and really be all alone. I live alone now and really do love having time and space to myself. I just don't want to be forgotten or have people not follow me down the street and around the corner. Maybe this is the dying alone and having the cat eat your body thing. I don't know.

It should be exciting to think about buying a house, and to a degree it is. It will probably seem more real when I talk with the mortgage peeps and look at the house a second time. I guess I hope - I hope I can make the space my own and feel really comfortable there. And it's something about all the moving, all the environments. It feels fragile. Something about roots. It's hard to move that much and feel continuity, like there are common threads running through the story.

Then there's this: we've had the hottest, rainiest summer ever and I can't wait for sweatshirt weather. I can't wait for cool evenings and crisp mornings.


  1. Cool evenings and crisp mornings always bring a breath of relief to any situation. I wish you happiness on your journey to finding out the right thing to do.

  2. so, not to be all doom and gloom, but i really regret buying my house. for lots of reasons. but, you're right, you have to just make the best decision you can with the info you have on hand and not worry about what the future holds.

    i wish you much luck.

  3. Moving or the thought of moving always shifts things internally. I think we're all looking for some safety and some roots in some way or another.

    I think you'd need a dog to be eaten after you die alone. Cats are so fickle and disinterested. ;-)

  4. A little sad after reading your post. You always come across to have such an exciting life with all your "adventures", I really hope this is just a phase, as you are too beautiful to be alone. :D

    I totally understand when you said about the places you've lived in the last ten years. For me, I have lived in 8 places in the last nine years. I was sick of having to move but moreover, it was the not having a place to call home that really hit hard.

    I am sure this is a very serious decision, but don't forget to listen to your heart and trust your instinct. Sometimes, that's the best thing we can rely on.


  5. Girl, girl, girl ... I KNOW. I'm going through the same thing right now. Pondering buying a house. Wondering if I can afford it. Knowing that I've lived in five states in the past eight years. I can afford it now, but what if I lose my job? And is this me finally accepting my singleness -- as in, saying to myself, well, you'll never find a guy to share a home with, so you're on your own ...

    Nobody can answer the house question for you. I guess the biggest question would be, do you like the area you're in? Can you see yourself staying there for years? If not, is this house something you can see yourself selling or renting out? All that practical crap. :)

    The house sounds super cool and character-filled. Just the kind I love.

    Sorry for the ramblin'!!!

  6. Jennifer touched on my point--this is a common experience I have witnessed among single women (well, everyone has trepidation about buying a home!). It seems that my single girlfriends equate purchasing a home with accepting a life of solitude.

    I always think of it a little differently--creating a space for the life I am building. I like to imagine the kitchen filled with friends, helping me cook and laughing over simmering pots. The hubby shuffling around in his mismatched socks as we try to figure out how to make his stuff fit into the current scheme. It's like a buying the toy box before Christmas comes, that way I'll have a gorgeous place for all my new cool toys.

    And this is the second, far too long comment in one day. Forgive me. :)

  7. Well said.

    You know, I just realized that two (or possibly three or four) of my good friends met their boyfriends/husbands/etc shortly after they bought a house. Hmmm...