I have plans with a friend tomorrow morning and while driving around today I realized that tomorrow is Wednesday. Crap! I've been waiting all week for Wednesday. It's supposed to be the first day with small enough waves for me. Ugh, I dreaded canceling plans with my friend, but I had to. Well, tonight I checked the surf report and it's back up to 12' tomorrow, so I guess I can retain that friendship. Probably for the best. (Damn.)
I had a really good run tonight, which is saying something. Three miles, couldn't run the whole thing, but I actually had energy the whole way and after, and I kept a good pace. Someone ripped off my iPod Shuffle after I dropped it at the track for about ten minutes last week, so I've been running without music. It's been kind of nice to just hear the normal sounds of life and focus on the rhythm of my feet hitting the pavement.
On the way home from running I got a call with a job offer. It's not a good one - it's the one I tweeted about last week. I called my
career life guru in DC and asked for advice, although it came down to what I already know. It always does.
I feel so conflicted about this tonight. I need a job. I budgeted for the whole year and knew January was job-time, and it's January. But I don't want this job. I'm scared. I don't want to be unhappy again. I don't want to be a banker. I don't want to be trapped. I don't want to be like every single person I know who hates their job and complains about it constantly (not you). I don't want to be unhappy. I don't want to have to be fake. I don't want to use the word "passion" about a job that involves debits and credits. I don't even know if I can anymore. I don't want to smile constantly. I don't want to be too tired to run at night. I don't want to wear clothes I can't afford. I don't want to set an example. I don't want to act like I give a single shit about stuff I don't. I don't want to be exhausted all the time.
I'm afraid of what could happen if I don't find a job. I'm afraid of the worst. I hate this dilemma. I wish I had a crystal ball.