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Sunday, September 21, 2014

Haze

It's the end of summer but we are still having hot days here - it was almost 90 both days this weekend. I love the heat (even though it makes my condo pretty miserable) and everything feels lighter when it's sunny out.

I know that lots has been going on these past few months, but the only thing I can really identify is that I've been working a lot and I've been depressed. I'd never really experienced depression until a few years ago and since then it's been almost constant. I don't understand, I wonder what I've done wrong, I feel almost angry at life (but I don't really have the energy). I'm amazed at how depression neutralizes everything else I could feel or try to feel. It also makes me not want to be in touch with people or go out and do things. Which in turn makes me more depressed.

I keep trying to get a fresh start, untangle myself from depressions's ties, slip out of its reach. I don't feel like I can talk about it because of course I don't, so I'm either going 1,000 miles per hour at my intense, high -profile job, or laying on my couch mad that I'm just laying on my couch. I'm disconnected from people, angry that they're not reaching out to help (they probably are), and still, after about 3 or so years, confused at how I can feel so depressed and not be able to shake it.

I'm going to keep trying to get back to enjoying life, seeing things without the haze and discoloration that depression has added. I miss feeling motivated, optimistic, excited. I miss looking forward to the future, feeling that brief hard times are minor setbacks instead of proof that it's not worth it. I don't recognize myself or even these words - they're just not me. Except that now they are and they have been for some time. I'm going to keep on trying.