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Monday, November 3, 2014

Yield

Summer is gone, the Blazers season has started, and I'm doing better.

I'm a fairly private person but I'm just going to put it out there (and then wince until I forget that I did). After three years of pretty much agony, I started antidepressants. 

It feels like a miracle. 

I didn't want to, and I put it off until I was absolutely desperate for help. I had reasons - I didn't want to "feel" the med, I didn't want to be numbed out, I didn't want to be dependent on something to get through life. I don't think I'll ever understand what happened; I made it through almost 40 years without ever feeling helpless or hopeless. The past three-ish years have been very difficult, with one loss after another, but I have experienced difficult times before and I've always been able to cope. To be honest, it's never even been very hard to persevere, look at the bright side, know that "this too shall pass." And I've felt compassion for, but never really understood, people who experience crippling depression. 

And then it happened - I don't even know what or exactly when. My mind was in a constant loop of defeat; I couldn't stop the intense introspection about how difficult life had become. Every day felt like a massive, lonely effort to climb a tiny bit up a very steep mountain only to get pushed back down. It's hard to describe. 

So about 6 weeks on, I don't feel desperate anymore. I don't feel euphoric, and I don't feel like my problems are solved or that life is awesome. But it just doesn't feel as hopeless as it did. It feels normal - like I have ups and down, and if I have a challenge it's not a huge deal - I can probably overcome it. I just started gradually feeling like myself again. And it's less about what I feel now and more about what I don't feel - I don't feel hopeless; I feel free of the obsessive, hopeless introspection that was suffocating me. It's so subtle. It's very hard to describe. 

That's not very articulate, but that's all I want to say right now. I hate saying any of it out loud but I spent three years wondering if medication could help (and not wanting to try it) and I wish so much - so, so much - that I would have done this three years ago. My big sister helped me want to give it a try, and as much as we fight like cats and dogs sometimes, I'm incredibly grateful for her generous vulnerability and support. It probably saved my life. 

Back to normal ups and downs, the changing seasons, my growing nephews, and the Blazers. Thanks, community.