Thursday, September 16, 2010

First Week

I mean, what am I supposed to say? I haven't known how I would explain it all to you, but then I remembered that I really only have to explain it to me. I worked Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and it was pretty depressing. The j-o-b is ok. It's fine. Mixing it with school is impossible and I can't even really think about it long-term. I am hemorrhaging homework right now. Wednesdays are terrible, tragic, no good, very bad. Work starts at 8:30 AM, school ends at 10:00 PM. The break in between the two is not quite long enough to make it from one to the other.

It all feels like an assault on my body and my brain. I just ache from sitting - everything hurts. Human bodies weren't made to sit for 9 or 14 hours a day. Everything hurts. I don't know how to tell you, but this is the hardest part for me. Jules would understand.

I had today off and I had a massage and then I went to yoga. Yoga with Sarah™. There's nothing like it, and my new schedule (let's just call all of this a new schedule, ok?) precludes me from practicing with Sarah. I did amazing today, if I do say so, and cried at the end during Savasana. But Savasana begs for tears. It's almost offended if you don't cry a little.

I'll make it, I know I will. Conditions willing, I'll probably surf next weekend or soon after, and I'll settle for a B on my first paper, and I'll keep making it to work with a minute to spare. My sister totally understands, and that means everything. This weekend is time with my brother, and we have multiple runs on the agenda. That will feel awesome, I know. He's the perfect running partner. I think it really just takes a lot of time to transition. I feel like I'm either the midwife right now, helping birth this behemoth, or I'm the thing being born. Maybe I'm both.

There are good parts, too. It's not that bad, it just feels hard. Maybe now I'll decide that we can just say it: It's all working out. At every moment right now I'm becoming more of who I want to be. It's painful, but it's worth it. Gosh, that girl was so smart.

Now, come over here and give me a big hug and a foot rub. I need 'em.


  1. I have definitely cried during Savasana.

    Being the midwife and the one being born...sounds about right, my friend.

    You are transitioning and it's supposed to be hard. Your sense of self, all this work you've put into you over the last year (lifetime), and keeping your eyes focused on what matters will keep you afloat. I believe in you.

  2. sounds like a struggle for sure, but like you can handle it just fine. you're a strong one.

  3. I have a Venn diagram book on Facebook that would just eat this little drawing up.

    Good luck with the adventuring.

  4. Girl, you ARE so smart.
    It will work out, give yourself time.


  5. As hard as so much of this is, I love this post. I can especially identify with the we are not meant to be sitting for so many hours of the day sentiment.

    I HATE that part about my job. Absolutely hate it.

    I'm sorry the transition is a bit rough, but of course as everyone has already said and will say, it will get easier. Though I hope you never get used to sitting as much as you are. I'm frankly tired of being used to it. I'm not sure what comes next right now after being tired of it. But something. Something good.

  6. Damn girl! What a schedule! I give you major points for working and schooling... I wanted to do law school for a while until I realized that I, too, would need to do both and I knew I am too ADD and, oddly, a perfectionist to be able to do both. You are awesome for even TRYING to do it!

    Thanks for cheering my no bcp trial. My doc thinks I'm a little crazy but was still supportive :)

    Enjoy your weekend!!!!

  7. Change is hard. Your "comfort zone" picture is spot on.

    You didn't choose to do anything because it was easy. And it's not going to break you. You'll see.

    "Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." (Christopher Robin to Pooh) -- A.A. Milne

  8. Jobs suck. Totally suck. I applied for a new job (that I so hopefully get!) at Lush because that's like my favorite store ever and that means that I can finally quit gap! Although it also means a longer commute (from MAX to streetcar all the way to NW 23rd) BUT I'd like it a whole lot better.

    Hi, it was time I rambled on your blog apparently.

  9. Woman, your badassery is the stuff o' legends.

    Transitions are so damned hard. I just keep chanting, "The only way out is through" and "This is the most loving thing I can do for myself right now, no matter what my feelings tell me."

    Soldier on!