Tuesday, October 5, 2010


Gosh. I finished formal training last week and got an actual desk in an actual cube at work. Things have started to feel like they are coming together, or like they will come together soon, or like maybe they could possibly come together someday. In theory. So that's positive.

I'm not actually doing the specific work associated with my role yet, I'm just dealing with loads of HR stuff, but so far things are going pretty well. Good people, good organization. My paycheck last Friday was a little shocking. Mon dieu! I'm going to take a look at a one bedroom apartment (I have a 2 bed/2 bath right now, which I adore) in my complex and just see if it's even fathomable. I'm not sure where the surfboard goes if I have to give up the garage, but I'm just going to look. We're causal in my office, and I have to say: wearing casual clothes every day is too awesome. I'm all over khakis and polos. And commuting 10 minutes is so great. There's a real pull to stay late and take on little extras . . . but I'm trying to keep it balanced.

School is helping me keep work balanced because it takes up so much damn time and energy. I'm finding taking time to run twice a week, which needs to be three times at least, but other than that, it's all work and homework. No socializing. No Glee. No blogging. No talking on the phone. No anything other than work and homework. To the extreme. I think that might ease up in a few weeks, but I'm not sure. I hope.

A week or so ago we started a new class and the prof had us go around and introduce ourselves and say how we were enjoying the program so far. I decided to put it out there and was honest about not loving the program and really struggling with wondering if I should keep going or not. Well. ALL HELL broke loose at that point and we spent the next couple hours debating, yelling, kicking, screaming.

School has been much better since that day. At first when ALL HELL broke loose, I thought, "Well, there it is. There's the proof that this isn't a good fit for me." But oddly enough, it was a turning point for me in a good way. I think that was the point at which I stopped being what I thought the group wanted me to be and the real me started showing up. And the real me has been going to class ever since. Sometimes it's a little awkward during class discussions because I don't say the perfect thing or agree with the rest of the nodding heads, but in general it's going much better now. I'm one person - at work, at school, when I'm surfing, when I'm running. It's just me.

In the current class, I team-teach a 20-minute segment of class every Wednesday. My first week went better than I could have imagined and really reaffirmed my desire to teach -- something I was not expecting from the experience. I hope tomorrow goes well, too. I really need that encouragement after a long week of doing homework on my breaks at work and staying up late (um, 4:30 AM last Saturday?) writing crappy papers.

I did blow off my first teaching conference last Saturday to spend a perfect, sunny day at the coast surfing. I can't wait to tell you guys about it.


  1. I'm glad to hear that you've gone through a transition at school. I imagine you've made it easier for others there, too, by being the first to 'come out' and let loose with the real LSL, engaging personally and honestly and frankly with the course. I'm sure it'll have freed up some reserves of energy for you. Well done.

  2. Does this mean you're no longer compartmentalizing? Because HOORAY for that!! It's interesting how when we actually speak our mind/heart and even if things go apeshit, you can feel a sense of wholeness in who you are. I've had a similar experience this week. It's like at least you know who you are and are honest, right? Fuck agreeing with everyone. Be yourself. Be proud of you. I am.

  3. See!!! Things are settling down quite nicely isn't it? Good to hear good to hear. Just try to update us with how you do.

    Oh, and good luck with the apartment search.

  4. Dude. Can I tell you how much I hate my art history class? I am surrounded by a bunch of stuck up hipster artists who think they see something divine in EVERY little thing from like 10,000 years ago.


    But that's awesome that you are having fun! School is so much better when you actually enjoy it then when you feel like you have to suffer through it.

    Also, I am not looking forward to the 4:30am papers I have looming in the future. (Oh November will not be kind to me.)

    Also, I vote that we should totally do something sometime now that Vahid works nights and I am stuck here by myself. Huzzah! (although I have been crazed busy the last two weeks, go figure.)

    (longest comment EVER.)

  5. Darling, you've said so much up there that speaks to me in my current, immediate situation, that I have to stop and thank you for it. God, a part of me wants your life right now - anybody else's life ... Don't worry, I'll be fine (you know that by now, don't you?)

  6. You are just so bad ass. So. Bad. Ass.

  7. Ohhh! I think you would have been at the same conference a dear friend of mine was!!! Tickles me that pieces of my world could have touched.

    However, I am even more happy to read that you did the actually wise thing and took yourself surfing! Hope there is more to come...


    M & B